One last goodbye

  As some of you may know, my friend Emily passed away recently. She was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.

  I didn't see it coming. None of us did. She seemed so happy and healthy. Then she was gone. She took her own life, and no one even saw how badly she was hurting.

I wish I did.

  Why does God take people away so quickly? You blink your eyes, and suddenly they're gone. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel as if it's a cruel game God loves to play. And even though I know that's not true, a part of me still wonders. Why would he take someone when their life is still just beginning? I mean, she was 23. She never even got a chance to really start her life. She had so much going on for her, such a bright future it was almost blinding. Her life was taken so quickly.. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

  I just don't understand.. I know, no one does, blah blah.. I wish we could, though. I feel as if it's like we're in a maze, trying to find our way.. and then something so big happens so quickly, and it's like we're all just plucked up and put somewhere else in the maze, blindfolded and spinning. Left to start all over again. We lose our way. We are left dumbfounded.
I just don't know what to think, what to do. I seem to be  feeling just about every emotion there IS, I just don't know what to do with it all.

  She died because she killed herself.. So what happens to her? Where does she go?
She was SUCH a good person. Always so kind to EVERYONE, loving, generous, funny.. Really, a great person all around.

  So does she just fall through the cracks? After all, suicide is a sin.. right?
I suppose, though, that there are no cracks in God's plan. That would make it less than perfect. God does not make flaws, God does not make mistakes. Yet I'm still left wondering..

  "Everyone goes when they are ready". I've heard this said before, many a time... but how can a 23 year old be ready to finish her life? How can someone, anyone, be truly READY to die?

  A very intelligent woman told me this once: "We mourn mostly for ourselves, because of the loss we have felt."
  I guess that's true. Mostly, at least.
We don't mourn for them so much as we'd like to think, do we?
We know they are in a better place. We know they are going to be okay (or we hope, at least). We just don't want to lose them, I guess. We miss them. We wish they could have had all the greatness and success in life we knew they could have had. We wish we could have seen them mature more & more, change, become a parent perhaps.. experience LIFE.
But truly, this is no longer possible. All we are doing is filling ourselves with the empty hope of what could have been.

  I think a lot of it is that we are somewhat forced to face our own mortality. We are left with questions, some that truly only God himself can answer. It makes us feel sad because we know that EVERYONE must leave this earth and go into the unknown.
THAT is scary.

  More than anything though... I really just miss her. I want her back. I know it sounds selfish, but really, I just don't care. I just wish I could have at least said goodbye.

  Is it so bad to want someone back? Because I do, with all my heart. I miss her so much. I know she is in a better place, but I just want to hold he in my arms and hug her one last time, if only for a moment.

 Just one last goodbye.

Crossroads No More

For the past few days, I've been throwing myself a party.
Sadly, it has been a pity fest. I was quite consciously allowing myself to go downhill.
Then.. I logged on to my blogger account (so I could catch up on the daily writings of those around me), and was reminded of my new recovery blog. I noticed something.. I made it a  recovery  blog. I could have just made it a general 'eating disorder stuff' blog, but I didn't. I chose not to.

  I subconsciously decided that recovery from my ED was more important than my ED itself. I didn't WANT to write about it, I wanted to write about getting rid of it. Deep inside of me- although it's hard for even me to see at times- I want recovery. To my very core, the very essence of Mary Lynn, this is what I want.


I have already chosen my destination.
I've chosen the path of love, the path of peace inside of myself..


I have made the decision to live.

Just Journaling.

I'm very tired and cold tonight. This past day was my four month anniversary from discharging from CFC- yay me! I've been working hard... And apparently not quite hard enough. 
 I know that.

   I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I'm doing just fine, and mostly believing it. Reality check, ML- you aren't going to make it at this rate. You need to step it up- you need to put in your all. This is the battle of my life- the battle FOR my life. This half-ass'd attempt just isn't going to do it.

   Today I went to see my ED specialist MD, Karly. She was not very happy. She says my weight is continuing to drop every week, and it's scaring her. She actually had to go ask another MD about it, because she was pretty worried.. Especially because I have my boot on from my ankle surgery, so that adds weight.. I hate that. I know I haven't been doing amazingly lately, but I was just so sure that my weight was stable at least. I'm actually not even having all that many ED thoughts, it's mainly just my will to eat. I sincerely do not like food. It tastes gross, the consistency and textures bother me.. It's just not something I think I'll ever really enjoy. I don't like it, I don't want it, and I don't remember it because of my lack of hunger signals. This sucks.

   In other news, there's an ED behavior that I really want to engage in.. But I'm not sure if it's really ''ED motivated,'' per say. I really want to purge recently. Why? Not to get the food out. Not so I can eat without feeling that twinge of guilt because I know I can reverse it.. I want to because I feel unpretty- in my face. I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but that's okay..- I've kind of fallen in love with myself- with my face. I've often felt just gorgeous because of my square-ish face, green eyes, and my smile. Seriously, I can admit that. The problem is, that I don't have my face shape anymore. The shape of my face is like the one thing that's held me together sometimes, or so it seems.. Now that I'm not throwing up for various hours every day (I actually haven't at ALL since CFC! Hazah!), my cheeks are no longer swollen. I no longer have that shape to my face- I no longer see the Mary Lynn I know in the mirror, I see an odd looking midget. Yep, that's me.

  Now, I understand that my self image can be pretty damn distorted sometimes, but I don't think this is one of those times. This time I know that I'm right, and I would feel more pretty if I could just start purging, again. I don't want to, I've been doing so well with that!! And I do want to; I want to feel good about myself. I'm so torn.

   In other news, I'm socially incompetent. Seriously, I've realized this recently. I don't know how to act in social situations, what to say, what things upset people, what's too much information, what's appropriate in the moment. I don't know what to do with myself, how I'm supposed to sit or stand, when I'm supposed to just listen and when I'm supposed to offer help. I don't know how direct to be. I constantly feel like I'm putting on this huge act, just trying to be acceptable and do things right. I try, and I fail- over and over. It's so frustrating for me, I just don't know how to be a good friend. It makes me so sad sometimes. I just want to learn how to be a ''normal'' person. Ggahhh! I just get too excited about everything and over do it.

   It's raining outside. I love rain, it's so calming, so serene. I need to move to ''Forks'' to get my rain kicks, I would fall in love with it. Probably.
I think it's time for me to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain, softly washing our beautiful Earth and nourishing the amazing plant life we are so blessed with.
 Goodnight, my friends. Sleep well.

Three Years in the Making (& some good news!!)

  (Scratch that last post!!! Ed found a job, he's not going to move in with us, after all!! WAHOOO!! Oh, happy day!!!)

  
  In other news,  I think this whole "eating" thing is working well for me. I just feel so good about life!

  Here, we have a picture of me, a little less than three years ago. This was about four months before I was so engulfed in my ED that I was finally admitted into the ICU.  (Oops.)

  Now, notice the very puffy cheeks. Normally, you'd think someone with Anorexia would have a very sunken in face, right?   Wrong. Not if they throw up twenty times a day, even if all they've had is water. The stomach acids are very erosive, causing your cheeks to swell a lot.. It was all I could do to smile, and you can kinda tell. I also notice how colorless my eyes look..

This next photo was taken yesterday. My cheeks aren't puffy, as I haven't purged since I was barely admitted to CFC. Over all, I've been doing fairly well with eating, too. And guess what? I feel HAPPY now! My skin is brighter- and so much CLEARER! Granted, one pic is indoors, one is out.. But that's because I was too depressed to leave my room at all. Another difference! My hair is lighter, which happens when I'm eating healthier and am outside in the sun more! (My hair is SUPER sun-sensitive, and people who are malnourished's hair color quite often turns fades to something more dull)

  So, here's the difference three years and a bit of food and help makes (Do the scrolling from one to the next thing, you can really tell the difference!) :

This makes me feel good about all the work I've been doing. YAY for being the HEALTHY Mary Lynn!! I like her better, anyway. SO. THERE!! :D


PS- Neither of these pictures are edited.

Letter of Hope

This is my letter of hope- It's a letter we write to the present and future girls at CFC when we are leaving the Center. I just thought I'd share mine:

When I first began my journey at the Center, I was terrified, to say the least. I was afraid that they'd take away the only life I knew. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of succeeding. I was afraid of the unknown.. And most of all, I was afraid that I'd never find myself again- that my soul had already died, and even if I tried my hardest, I'd still be powerless against this monster.

This is one of the things I had to learn for myself. Over time, I've come to realize that though sometimes it feels as if our very entity is wasting away, our souls are still stronger than we think. The worth and importance of us- of you, of your soul, is immeasurable.
And so it never dies.

When I look at each one of you, I see a perfect world shining your eyes. I only wish you could see it in yourselves, as well. If we only find the love within ourselves, then anywhere we go, we're home. Though sometimes it seems impossible to imagine, we CAN get through the darkness and find our way. Love will find a way. Happiness will find a way. Hope will find a way.

So, if you aren't happy with the direction you're going in, change the direction you're going in. If things aren't going the way you want, fight for the change you do want.

You are the one in charge of your own destiny. It's up to you to make the things happen in your life that you want to have happen. Happiness is found from within yourself and those choices that you make.

I've personally learned that if you aren't sure what to do, the best thing to do is to get down on your knees and ask for help. Your higher power is always there and willing to help, as long as you are willing to let him. (or her!)

It's tough, but with patience and a willingness to work, the pain will ease. I know each of us has endured many seemingly unfair trials and given more pain than we feel it possible to handle in our lives- but each one of us has remained standing strong through the storm. We don't always understand the why's, but with time- and if we are willing- we can learn from each one. If we choose to learn from those and hold on to those fond memories of the happy times in life, life will once again be all you can imagine and MORE.

So, if you're going to doubt something, doubt your limits.. Because you are truly limitless.

I have confidence in all of you and your capabilities, and I hope you can, too.

As I finish writing this, I realize that it's a bit scattered.. and that's okay. We aren't striving for perfection.. Just for love and hope that it will get better.

And it will.


♥ Mary Lynn Bennett

The adventures of a girl in treatment

Guess who's finally back from CFC?
Yep- ME! Welcome home, Mary Lynn!!

So the Center was the most difficult experience of my life. I was pushed past my limits in almost every way imaginable- and broke down hysterically crying too many times to count.. I felt as if the world was going to end at points and was ready to throw in the towel. It was truly HELL at points.

The center was also the most wonderful & beneficial experience of my life. I have grown in so many ways- more than I thought imaginable! I feel like a brand new person. A healthy- and HAPPY Mary Lynn. The TRUE me. I have the world in front of me! I'm finally ready to truly LIVE!! Life is good to me. I'm ready for this.. BRING IT ON.

The Center for Change!!!!! AH!!! :D

I'm headed into CFC ED treatment center TODAY!! It's about time, we've been trying to get me in there for THREE YEARS!! I'm so excited for this amazing opportunity!! To be honest, I'm also QUITE scared.. But if I believe I can do it, I can! And I know I can! I'll be there for a few months:) Snail mail is our friend, so if you wanna write me (And I know you DO!) ♥

"Center for Change-
Mary Lynn Bennett,
1790 North State Street,
Orem, Utah 84057"


http://www.centerforchange.com/

(Or just click the title of this post and it'll take you to the CFC website!)

Center For Change

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.

Happy & Proud!

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just never felt the moment was right to write.

First off are my medical updates:


I've finally been diagnosed with Epilepsy. If it's not one thing, it's another. It DOES explain a LOT though!! I hate this though. I'm not allowed to take baths- If I have an epileptic episode, I'll quickly breath in the water and die. I HATE showers. I always take baths. I think it's a family thing- my big sis Leelou will only take baths, as well as my father. I've still been taking baths. I know it's very dangerous, and it scares me very much- but I just can't do showers- they freak me out.

Also, I'm not allowed to drive within three months of having an epileptic episode. What am I supposed to do without a car?!!? It's okay, I'll drive anyway.
However, it scares me to death every time I drive now. I'm in this panic state, it's awful even thinking about it.



I've recently had the great opportunity to start meeting with a great dietitian, Elena. She's been helping me SO much!! She even got me in to see a psychologist named Wendy. Both Elena and Wendy are Eating Disorder specialists. I'm also going to continue seeing my Social Worker, Miriam and my great doctor (who also specializes in EDs), Lesli. I finally have my support team in place!! Not to mention Alesia, my Psychiatrist. And my Alex! He is SO supportive and helpful! I finally feel like I can do this. I can conquer this time!! 18th time's a charm, right? ha
I've been doing so well in recovery, despite everything that's coming my way! I'm actually proud of myself. I've never liked myself enough to be proud. I can always do better, there's no reason to be proud of myself for being second rate.

I'm not second rate. I'm Mary Lynn. I'm whoever I wish to be. I'm not second rate.
And you know what? For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself.
I can do this.

It's going to be alright after all.

I am so blessed to be able to be in this beautiful world God has created for us.
This wonderful world in which we can smile, laugh, play, & cry tears of joy- in which we can mourn, cry, hurt, get lost & stuck- yet we don't lose sight of the truth that everything will be alright. Some time, somehow, some way- It's going to be alright. We will get through it. It may take longer than we want, it may be in a different way than we had hoped- but all in all..
It's going to be alright.

Dear God,

Dear God,
I feel so alone.
I feel invisible.
Abandoned. Cold. Afraid.

Dear God,
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am in a tunnel of darkness.
And I do not see the light.
The light you promised me

Dear God,
I am frozen with fear.
I am paralyzed in my steps.
I am a girl who cries
When all the world wants to see is a smile

Dear God,
I feel numb. Listless. Unaware.
All warmth has fled
And I chill to the bone.
..I feel so utterly alone.


Dear God,
My heart aches for love
The love I lack so much.
I feel empty inside
--a wide gaping hole--
..a void that waits to be filled.

Dear God,
I want my friends back.
I want my life back.
I want myself back again.
--The girl I once knew--
..She has long been forgotten.


Dear God,
I need rescue.
Perhaps your rescue is best
I need to be recaptured by this wonderful thing called
--LIFE—-


Dear God,
take me by the hand.
Carry me on your shoulders.
I know I have become too weak to do this on my own.
I need a friend. Please, God; be my friend.

Dear God,
I am at a loss of words now.
There's not much else for me to say.
My thoughts and feelings..
They have evaporated me now..
I'm tired and sick
and sick and tired of being sick.

Dear God,
I feel alone.
Perhaps a gentle reminder
From you that I am not..
Is well-needed now

Dear God.
Please help me.




"Have mercy upon me, oh Lord God, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak...
...I am a dread to my friends---
--those on the street flee form me.
I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery, a broken vessel
For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side.....
...But I trust in You, oh Lord;
Thou art my God
My times are in thy hands.."
---Psalm 31:9-15--
(excerpt)

Wings

How sad it would be
If a bird didn't fly
Though given wings,
it just never tried

Because of the fear
of falling from grace
It stayed on the ground,
A cat's prey, making waste

The bird was created
with wings to fly high
Oh, how often we're like
a bird who won't fly

Afraid of our place,
Of falling from grace

Our wings are the trials
God has given to us
That we might fly high
And in Him, place our trust.

Christ is the wind
Beneath our frail wings
That he may carry us
Through even all things

So many dreams buried,
Talents covered by sand
Because of the fear
Of rejection by man

And though sometimes we wonder
Why he puts us through pain
If we spread out our wings
We'll see what we've gained

Love makes a promise
If we give it our all-
If by faith we believe
He will never let us fall.

This fight gives us flight
This fight makes us strong
This fight gives us power
To know where we belong

We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST

"We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST"
My amazing EFY counselor, Amber, told us this one night during devotional.
To clarify, we often find it simple to believe in Christ without doubting.. but when it comes to what Christ says, we doubt it.
It leads me to ponder what I truly believe when it comes to that.. I do not doubt that he lives. I do not doubt that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I do not doubt the teachings of the gospel- I believe it with all of my heart.
Why, then, when my OWN worth is brought up, do I suddenly show doubt in him, in his teachings? Why is it so easy to believe him when he says we are all of infinite worth, but when it becomes personal, that I am of infinite worth, The doubt comes on almost immediately, so easily? I can easily see the great worth and potential in others- why, then, can I not see it in myself? Am I the one exception, he one he doesn't love or care about, the one with no worth? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. We all (or a good amount of us at least) feel this way sometimes- each to different extremes, more or less.
Is this considered faith? Believing when it is easy to believe, and doubting when it's not?

Christ knows us each individually- one by one. He believes in us. Each and every one of us. Is it, then, really so hard to believe in him, in his teachings?

"Look unto me in every thought- Doubt not, fear not."
If we looked unto Christ in all our doings, we would not be so insecure about ourselves. Should we not all be able to see what God sees? God sees us- His beautiful children, His beloved sons and daughters with endless potential. Yet we very seldomly see this in ourselves- Some of us, perhaps never at all.

We are doubting. We are Fearing. Does that make us bad? Does that make God love us less? No. It makes us HUMAN!- Sadly, it's is what we do best. We let our minds persuade our spirits that we are less than we are- we let OTHERS' minds, others' mouths, others' actions, convince us that we are not of worth.
But you know what? We are of INFINITE worth! Not just as a people- individually.
Each one of us, individually, is of infinite worth. YOU are of infinite worth. I, Mary Lynn Bennett, am of infinite worth!
..if only we could convince our imperfect minds of this..

He believes

I shiver, as I pull blankets up to my nose.
It's been the same every night for years
I have "goosebumps" from head to toe
..Yet I am not in the cold
..I am in..
fear.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

It drives me to think things I normally wouldn't,
It wants me to do things I know that I shouldn't...
It changes who I am,
Alters personality
It drives me to hate the one person
who can truly stop this thinking..
ME.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

I now live in fear, every day and each night
I feel I'm going to lose this fight..
If it's a battle of willpower,
COUNT ME OUT.
I'm losing it now
I just want to SHOUT!

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

In the depths of despair
I remember a song..
"Walk tall, You're a daughter.."
.. I know where I belong.

He believes I can do this
He believes I am strong
He believes I can make it...
..But can God be WRONG?

Whether win or lose,
I'll still try my best
I'll give it my all;
& let God do the rest.

I think I can do this
I think I am strong
I think I can make it...
But I could be WRONG.

Each day, Every second
is a gift from above
If I reach up my hand,
I can grasp his love.

I think I can do this
I think that I'm strong
I THINK I can make it...
..But I could be WRONG.

Together we fight
Until only WE stand
I know I CAN recover
If I just reach up my hand.

I believe I can do this
I BELIEVE I am strong
I believe I can make it...
...I could always be WRONG...

He tells me I can do this
Gently lifts up my head
And now I remember
The blood that he shed.

I know I can do this.
I know I am strong.
I know I can make it
..because God's NEVER WRONG.

Going Home

Somewhere ....in my time and space
I find that I recall a place,
That comes to me,...by night or day
From a place so far away,
You can embrace this destiny
Which will find you,..as it found me
There is such a comforting force,
When taken through this special course,
To find that you have reached the place
Where you can meet.... face to face,
By returning to.. from where you came
Remembering this face... and name,
To find this peace,.....this road well trod
You know that you're,...a child of God
This place from which you will not roam,
You'll find,.. as you are.. going home.

Sunshine

The world gives me reasons
To shout, scream and cry
But the Sunshine always
Make my worries go by

The Sunshine is like an angel
It touches my very Soul
It gives me a reason to smile
Makes me complete and whole

The Sunshine is like a sound
It synchronizes the music in me
I get great cause to celebrate
As it sets my spirit free

No matter whether day or night
The Sunshine's always there
Making the cruel world all around
Look so pretty and fair

My Sunshine is soft and gentle
It's snug and soothing, too
It takes my sorrows off of me
My Sunshine, Lord, is you!

Back from EFY!

I'm back from EFY!
I must say, it was single-handedly, the most spiritual, learning, and amazing experience ever. I am just so humbled, right now.
My testimony has grown SO much, this week.
I love you all so much!
And, guess what?
I KNOW this church is true. And I sure hope YOU do, too.
WE are children of God. Do you realize how amazing that it? We are SO blessed!
We need to stay together- unify- we are SO strong. We are an ARMY.
We aren't marching into battle..
We are already fighting, on the front line.
Do you realize this? We are LITERALLY, in the middle of the greatest battle of ALL time.
It's OUR time to stand up, it's OUR time to SHINE.
There is power in number...
There is POWER IN PURITY.


Here are some lovely quotes that I jotted down, while I was there. They are really good!

"The chief cause of failure of happiness is trading what you want MOST, for what you want at the moment."

"If you ever have a problem, all you need to do is ask TWO questions:
1. Have I prayed about it? 2. Am I reading my scriptures?"

"Life is a mission, not a career!"

"Forget yourself, and get to work (helping others come to the church)"

"If there is something you want, you must take initiative!"

"We are WASTING our time if all we do is come here, sit, listen, read, and WAIT to be inspired! We need to reach inside our souls, and FIND it!"

"If you don't know where you're going, then ANY road you take, you'll get there!"

"Where there is no vision, people will perish."

"Don't be fooled into thinking that you are LESS than you really ARE."

"We have promises to keep, and MILES to go, before we can sleep"

"It's hard to wander away when you're on your knees!"

"The greatest gift-- the greatest POWER we have, today, is the POWER of PURITY."

"Don't settle for less than what you ARE!"

"What we are is more important than what we've been. What we can become is more important than what we are."

"Just because you aren't in a perfect situation, or don't come from a perfect family, doesn't mean YOU can't be perfect!"

"Answers WILL come.. Testimony WILL grow... Strength WILL enlarge."

"Let your heart not be troubled, neither be afraid."

"I WANT an added power, to make me WANT to obey!"

"EVERY problem we may have, every trial, every question, is ANSWERED, in the scriptures."

"FORGIVE, and you WILL be blessed."



Remember who you are.
Always.

The Son

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
It's hard to understand
How all of this is real.

A smile from every laugh
Yet a frown from every tear.
I don't know which I've benefited
From most this year.

There's been nights that I have mourned
Nights that I have cried
But the feelings that I've felt
These feelings deep inside,

They remind me who I am
And remind me why I fight.
For at the end of each dark tunnel
There is a light.

If I set aside my pain
And put aside my sorrow
There's a lesson to be learned
Which will help with life tomorrow.

There's always a battle to be fought,
And always a struggle to be won.
But if I turn to the light,
..I'll find it is The Son.

If I give Him my whole heart,
And reach with all my might,
He'll embrace me in His arms,
And forever hold me tight.

There's so much that I think,
And so much that I feel.
So I turn to He who loves me,
And know my happiness is real.

Now I know what I've benefited from most this year
It's the times that have been hard.
The times that without Him,
my life would have been left scarred.

I know His love is real.
I know His words are true.
And if you turn to Him,
He will gladly comfort you.

Confused

I'm so confused.... I'm feeling like-- How can God love me, if I can't even love MYSELF? .. But I KNOW that he DOES, no matter what-- and now it's MY turn! And I really AM blessed, just to KNOW that god really IS there, and really DOES love me! I don't know WHERE I would be, not knowing that-- but it definitely wouldn't be where I am today. Actually, I probably wouldn't even be alive. But I AM! And I'm so blessed to be! I'm a daughter of god... I'm a daughter of God. I, MARY LYNN BENNETT, AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD!

I say these things, and I truly DO believe them for a fleeting moment-- but then it always goes away. I wish I could just ALWAYS remember! Like, no matter WHAT! I don't WANT to forget who I am-- yet I always seem to, anyway...
I feel like I'm wearing a mask
A mask of confidence, surety, and happiness, for the world to see
But deep inside of me
All my hopes & dreams have been long gone, smashed to the floor
but I have to be perfect on the outside
for the world to see..
And I really AM happy
And I DO love life!
..I just have those days, that everyone really has..
but I even mask those days-
it doesn't matter if it's the best day of my life
or if i just want to fall down & die, right then & there
No one can tell
..Because it's all the same...

You know what I mean? I don't know.. Maybe it's just me

..But it's not like I'm a friggin' drone or something
Because I'm ALWAYS being stupid & silly & crazy- and DIFFERENT than ANY body else! - Only sometimes I just CAN'T DO IT anymore- and I really DO just want to fall down & die- but I DON'T
I just keep going
like a never ending, bottomless hole..
..I can't ever stop..
I WON'T..
story of my life...

His Love

I see the clouds gather
The rain begins to fall
I cry into the wind
I rejoice in it all

The water splashing across my face
Reminds me of the light
That guides the world, in all it does
I know its might

Moving all the heavenly spheres
On their eternal courses
Bringing the weather and the seasons
I see the forces

The rain falling gently
Each drop, a gift from above
Giving life to all
I feel HIS love.