Starting up again

I feel like I need to start posting on here again, so I'm going to try starting up again.
I suppose I'll start with something I actually wrote down from a few months ago. The last half is something that's still difficult for me.
Here we go..

June 2014
So my mom just got married. I'm so super happy for her! She and Dave are SO perfect for each other!! I love that extra light in her eyes when she's with him. He really is a great guy, I'm so glad they found each other! My little sister Faith Anne and I helped my mom pick out her wedding dress a couple weeks ago. She's SO gorgeous in it! I mean, she's already an absolutely gorgeous woman, but WOW. Hot mamma!

  In related news, because of the marriage, my mother just sold her house- my childhood home. I have tears in my eyes just writing that sentence. I can't believe it. I'm so sick over this. I've always imagined living there with my own family some day. Watching my children learn and grow, making memories of their own where I once made mine. Running around the house, playing jailbreak outside, building cities in the sandbox, helping grow the garden, picking delicious grapes from the vines..

  Suddenly the images of my future life have been pulled right from under me. My most cherished place in the whole world is gone. The one place I've ever been able to truly call home, the place my heart has been for so many years, is gone. I have no home to go back to. I know it seems like an overreaction, but that's my home. I just can't believe it's gone. My dreams of a future, my memories of a wonderful past, have just come crashing down on me.

  Worse than that, it feels as if my mother is controlling the wrecking ball. I want to cry out to her, to let her know I'm in here, but she can't hear me. She's too busy using the wrecking ball with Dave. It's too loud. I'm trapped.

Crossroads No More

For the past few days, I've been throwing myself a party.
Sadly, it has been a pity fest. I was quite consciously allowing myself to go downhill.
Then.. I logged on to my blogger account (so I could catch up on the daily writings of those around me), and was reminded of my new recovery blog. I noticed something.. I made it a  recovery  blog. I could have just made it a general 'eating disorder stuff' blog, but I didn't. I chose not to.

  I subconsciously decided that recovery from my ED was more important than my ED itself. I didn't WANT to write about it, I wanted to write about getting rid of it. Deep inside of me- although it's hard for even me to see at times- I want recovery. To my very core, the very essence of Mary Lynn, this is what I want.


I have already chosen my destination.
I've chosen the path of love, the path of peace inside of myself..


I have made the decision to live.

I don't even know.

What am I doing? What has my life come to?
I'll tell you what I'm doing- I'm failing. I'm taking shortcuts in my journey to recovery. Shortcuts, leading to more shortcuts, leading to.. You know. I can feel myself straying further and further away from my path to recovery.  I don't want to go away from it. I like being happy, and that's what recovery brings..

  So why am I subconsciously fighting to go back to my old habits? The very habits that have almost killed me in the past? What is going on in my subconscious that I don't know about? How is it that I've lived my entire life with myself, yet I don't even know my own mind? What is wrong with me? Why is everything inside of my fighting so hard against each other? Why can't I forget about everything and just be Mary Lynn? It's a lot harder than I could possibly explain- especially since I simply cannot explain.  I don't think I ever can. All these things, all these questions, run through my head at a hundred miles an hour, and I wish I could answer them, but.. I simply don't know.


  There is a huge hole inside of me. A black hole, slowly sucking me in from the inside out. I want it to go away, but no matter how much I feed it, or how much of myself I turn over to it, it always wants more. It's never enough- I'M never enough. I'm missing something vital from my structure, and I know not what it is. Can I ever be fixed? Will anything I do ever be enough? Will I really be able to survive this? Not just move my feelings and thoughts to the side, not just prolong my life- I mean actually survive it.. in the long run.


  I'm beginning to lose that hope I still long to hold onto. I fell physically sick admitting that I'm not doing okay. I should be doing great, I've been out of CFC for but four months.. But I can't ignore this or lie to myself anymore, I just can't.  ..Or maybe I feel sick because I'm not doing okay. I don't know.


 Why must it be so easy to fall into this again? This thing that's been torturing me for the past ten years of my life?  It's just so easy. TOO easy. You see, I don't like food.  No, not as in ED stuff (Though that's true, too..), but as in I physically DON'T LIKE IT. It tastes disgusting. It's all these weird and awkward consistencies, in my mouth of all places! Uncomfortable textures galore, making me want to gag.. Yes, literally. I do not like food, Sam  I am. I do not like it with all that I am.
It also doesn't help that I STILL don't have hunger signals. I don't get hungry, I don't like food. Bad combo.
Not liking food+ never hungry+ trying to recover from an ED= Disaster, waiting to happen.


  My doctor, Karly, is not happy with me at all. She says I keep losing weight- and a lot of it. More of me does not want to lose weight, but I have to admit.. A part of me does. A very small part of me is ecstatic every time Karly comes in, with a sad look on her face.. A look of disappointment.. A look that means something isn't okay. 85% of me feels so sad, so ashamed that I'm fighting this so hard, and I'm still losing. But that little part of me- that 15%- feels an odd sense of relief. What am I doing? Why am I losing my ground fighting against my ED? I simply don't know.


  I'm just about ready to put up my white flag and surrender to this monster inside of me, killing me. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Can I get better? Can I just go back to being Mary Lynn, no strings attached? I don't even know.

Just Journaling.

I'm very tired and cold tonight. This past day was my four month anniversary from discharging from CFC- yay me! I've been working hard... And apparently not quite hard enough. 
 I know that.

   I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I'm doing just fine, and mostly believing it. Reality check, ML- you aren't going to make it at this rate. You need to step it up- you need to put in your all. This is the battle of my life- the battle FOR my life. This half-ass'd attempt just isn't going to do it.

   Today I went to see my ED specialist MD, Karly. She was not very happy. She says my weight is continuing to drop every week, and it's scaring her. She actually had to go ask another MD about it, because she was pretty worried.. Especially because I have my boot on from my ankle surgery, so that adds weight.. I hate that. I know I haven't been doing amazingly lately, but I was just so sure that my weight was stable at least. I'm actually not even having all that many ED thoughts, it's mainly just my will to eat. I sincerely do not like food. It tastes gross, the consistency and textures bother me.. It's just not something I think I'll ever really enjoy. I don't like it, I don't want it, and I don't remember it because of my lack of hunger signals. This sucks.

   In other news, there's an ED behavior that I really want to engage in.. But I'm not sure if it's really ''ED motivated,'' per say. I really want to purge recently. Why? Not to get the food out. Not so I can eat without feeling that twinge of guilt because I know I can reverse it.. I want to because I feel unpretty- in my face. I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but that's okay..- I've kind of fallen in love with myself- with my face. I've often felt just gorgeous because of my square-ish face, green eyes, and my smile. Seriously, I can admit that. The problem is, that I don't have my face shape anymore. The shape of my face is like the one thing that's held me together sometimes, or so it seems.. Now that I'm not throwing up for various hours every day (I actually haven't at ALL since CFC! Hazah!), my cheeks are no longer swollen. I no longer have that shape to my face- I no longer see the Mary Lynn I know in the mirror, I see an odd looking midget. Yep, that's me.

  Now, I understand that my self image can be pretty damn distorted sometimes, but I don't think this is one of those times. This time I know that I'm right, and I would feel more pretty if I could just start purging, again. I don't want to, I've been doing so well with that!! And I do want to; I want to feel good about myself. I'm so torn.

   In other news, I'm socially incompetent. Seriously, I've realized this recently. I don't know how to act in social situations, what to say, what things upset people, what's too much information, what's appropriate in the moment. I don't know what to do with myself, how I'm supposed to sit or stand, when I'm supposed to just listen and when I'm supposed to offer help. I don't know how direct to be. I constantly feel like I'm putting on this huge act, just trying to be acceptable and do things right. I try, and I fail- over and over. It's so frustrating for me, I just don't know how to be a good friend. It makes me so sad sometimes. I just want to learn how to be a ''normal'' person. Ggahhh! I just get too excited about everything and over do it.

   It's raining outside. I love rain, it's so calming, so serene. I need to move to ''Forks'' to get my rain kicks, I would fall in love with it. Probably.
I think it's time for me to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain, softly washing our beautiful Earth and nourishing the amazing plant life we are so blessed with.
 Goodnight, my friends. Sleep well.

Recovery

Recovery is like a helium balloon.

First, you, your balloon of recovery, 

gets slowly filled up.

But instead of being filled of air,

You are filled with potential confidence,

epiphanies,

and the tools you need

to be able to build self-love.. Your helium.

(Oh, and not to mention, food.) (;

You hold onto your balloon of recovery for dear life

As it begins to raise you into the air..
Your arms aren't strong enough.

You begin to lose your grip.
You slip, and fall to the ground. 

HARD.
You relapse.

 

You try re-filling your balloon

It takes less time than before.
It still has some helium left in it.
A kick start,

A boost.

 

You begin floating up, again. 

This time you're prepared for a slip

..This time you've tied a knot to hang on to.

You stay in the air for a long time.
You start getting so tired
Your hands are sweaty
One slips.
Both slip.
You fall.
You relapse.

Third try.
You're getting the hang of it.

Again, youstart flying up.

Up, up, and away..

You are in the air for a very long time.

Longer than you thought possible.

Until....

You start to run low on helium.

You run low on all those things you were filled with.

You stop going up.
You've tried so hard

Prepared so much

Hung tightly on for so long..
And you fail.

 

You hold onto your balloon for a time
Staying right where you are.
No progression
Just heart ache at your fail

And confusion.


You notice you're moving, again.
You get excited.

And then you begin to fall.

How long will you fall for?
How far off the ground are you?
How much do you have to lose?
You don't know.


You soon realize there are other balloons
Floating upward, nearby.
You know what you have to do to stay up.

The question then is
Do you jump?

Do you have enough "fuel" to swing to the next balloon?

Do you have the confidence, self-love, and strength
To take a leap of faith?

If not, you fall back to the ground 

And start over.
You do not pass "Go".
You do not collect $200.

But

If you do have what it takes to jump..

You jump.
You take your leap of faith, and hope for the best..

You catch another balloon.

You balloon skip.

Until you reach the clouds-

Until you reach safety.

The point where you can finally say the word "recovered"

without feeling fear,

guilt,

or shame.

That moment when you become independent 

and live your own life without therapists,

dietitians, doctors, and hospitals surrounding you, 

making your load feel heavier under all of the pressure

.

That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief 

And know that YOU have just won the battle.

..But not the war. 

You will inevitably slip

Through the safety of the clouds
At one point or another.
You will fall.
And if you can't catch a balloon on the way down,
You hit the ground.  

HARD.

And it WILL take more than one balloon to reach the top.

And you WILL fall.

But not necessarily to the bottom.

Just enough to realize the difference between sick, stuck, recovering, and recovered.

 

Each balloon is filled with something different.

The first is filled with what was mentioned above.

But the ones after are filled of all different kinds of things. 

I couldn't tell you what they're all filled with,
Even if I wanted to. 

It depends upon which balloon you grasp

And how heavy the load you carry is.

Each balloon is a different color.

Each color is something different..

That's the excitement of balloon skipping.

 

You learn and gain new things with each balloon,

and you never know exactly what you'll be learning next

until you're there.

So, where am I at?
I know you're likely wondering..

I would give you an answer..
But I can't.
I suppose, if I have to say,
I am on a balloon pretty high up there
Grasping on to that balloon's frail string.

My balloon is most definitely running out of helium.
I'm losing my ground.
I'm very slowly getting further from the clouds
And slightly closer to the ground.

I need a balloon. I need someone, something,
To help me find one.
My glasses are foggy,
I can't make out the balloons
Floating right by me
Passing me by.

 

I don't care if I can see them.
I need one.

I get ready to take the leap.

When another balloon passes me by

Can I make it? 

We'll have to see.

There is no answer for that until it has arrived.

I will admit,

I'm scared to jump..
Especially with my newly- fogged glasses.

I like my current balloon.

What if the next one is different?

Where is my next journey?

What parts of the myself,
Even, of the sky,

Will I be sent to explore next?

I guess I'll have to go on an adventure
and see where it takes me.

It may be scary, 

but I can't be recovered with only learning about one part of myself.

I must learn all there is to know in the  mind, body, and soul
of ME, of Mary Lynn,

to truly and fully recover.

Three Years in the Making (& some good news!!)

  (Scratch that last post!!! Ed found a job, he's not going to move in with us, after all!! WAHOOO!! Oh, happy day!!!)

  
  In other news,  I think this whole "eating" thing is working well for me. I just feel so good about life!

  Here, we have a picture of me, a little less than three years ago. This was about four months before I was so engulfed in my ED that I was finally admitted into the ICU.  (Oops.)

  Now, notice the very puffy cheeks. Normally, you'd think someone with Anorexia would have a very sunken in face, right?   Wrong. Not if they throw up twenty times a day, even if all they've had is water. The stomach acids are very erosive, causing your cheeks to swell a lot.. It was all I could do to smile, and you can kinda tell. I also notice how colorless my eyes look..

This next photo was taken yesterday. My cheeks aren't puffy, as I haven't purged since I was barely admitted to CFC. Over all, I've been doing fairly well with eating, too. And guess what? I feel HAPPY now! My skin is brighter- and so much CLEARER! Granted, one pic is indoors, one is out.. But that's because I was too depressed to leave my room at all. Another difference! My hair is lighter, which happens when I'm eating healthier and am outside in the sun more! (My hair is SUPER sun-sensitive, and people who are malnourished's hair color quite often turns fades to something more dull)

  So, here's the difference three years and a bit of food and help makes (Do the scrolling from one to the next thing, you can really tell the difference!) :

This makes me feel good about all the work I've been doing. YAY for being the HEALTHY Mary Lynn!! I like her better, anyway. SO. THERE!! :D


PS- Neither of these pictures are edited.

The Center for Change!!!!! AH!!! :D

I'm headed into CFC ED treatment center TODAY!! It's about time, we've been trying to get me in there for THREE YEARS!! I'm so excited for this amazing opportunity!! To be honest, I'm also QUITE scared.. But if I believe I can do it, I can! And I know I can! I'll be there for a few months:) Snail mail is our friend, so if you wanna write me (And I know you DO!) ♥

"Center for Change-
Mary Lynn Bennett,
1790 North State Street,
Orem, Utah 84057"


http://www.centerforchange.com/

(Or just click the title of this post and it'll take you to the CFC website!)

Center For Change

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.

My girls.

As you may or may not know, I coach an elementary jump rope team. Yes, you read right. I coach JUMP ROPE. It's actually a pretty amazing job. I LOVE IT.
Anyway, they just had their last performance of the year. I wanted to share with you what I do, and the final result.
Here is a short video of a select few. The three girls in green are on my team, the one in red is my sister Faith Anne (who is on the other team).
Be sure you have speakers or it's not even HALF as cool. ;)

This started filming too soon, so the routine actually starts 30 seconds in.
Give it a sec to load for best quality!

Also- after the video is finished, there should be some thumbnails on the little screen. Feel free to click them and watch us perform other routines!

Shinanigans. & Other stuff too. :)

Firstly, I'd like you to pause for a moment and take a gander at THIS:


I know, it's a small poor quality picture of some weird piece of paper, right?
WRONG! That is a diploma stating that I, Mary Lynn Bennett, have officially graduated from USP and am now a Certified Phlebotomist in the State of Utah. OH YES. Take THAT.
:D

In other news, do you know this man?:

What? NO?? Well let me fill you in then.. This is Alex. The sweetest, most caring, most hilarious, most sensitive, most loving, most AMAZING guy you've ever not met. He's also my boyfriend (Sorry ladies!). Anyway, We've been dating for about a month, but I've known him for a year and a half. He really is such a great guy. And on Monday night, he told me he loved me for the first time. It wasn't one of those passing moments where you just say it to say it either. I had been having a rough time and started breaking out in tears despite my efforts to conceal my anguish. He just hugged me, said to just let it all out, and held me until I had. After I calmed down and we talked through it a bit, He paused- looked right into my eyes and said
"Mary Lynn?"
(me)"..Yeah?"
"I love you."
It totally just made my heart melt in two. I love this man.
I love my Alex.

Glasses

Aww, my baby sister got glasses. Isn't she just the cutest thing?? I think she looks chique.
(..Though I suppose my baby sister isn't a baby anymore! Oh no!)
Anyway, here's a picture of her and me the day she got her glasses (about a week ago).


(click the image to make it bigger if you so please.)

Frustrations

I hate that I can't ever depend on my father. Then when I mention anything about it, he gets all pissed off and starts calling me a liar, then usually hangs up on me. It just makes me so mad. I love him, I want desperately to be able to trust him. He is the funniest guy I've ever met, and a REALLY good person. He just isn't dependable. He gets all pissed at me and says I just announce to the world that he is undependable. I have NEVER done such a thing. Except for NOW. Now I am blogging about it, but you aren't the world. My blog is for me. I write how I feel, and this is how I feel.
Sometimes I just wish I could know him better- After all, he is my father.
But then sometimes I just wish I never have to see him again, never have to put up with his crap again, never have to be disappointed by a father who just won't come through.
I feel distraught right now. I feel distraught whenever I think of him.
I love him with all of my heart, I think he is amazing, fun, and hilarious- but I can't possibly respect a man whom I would have cut out of my life long ago if he weren't in my family. I can't fully respect a man who takes his children wherever he wishes as if money is not an issue, and tells his children stories of how he is really a great person and how nothing is ever his fault, makes promises of visiting more, taking his children places THEY want to go, getting them birthday or christmas presents- then goes back to his real life with his new wife at the other side of the country and forgets the promises he's made or twists them- and can't even pay child support so his old family can just get by.
I wonder if I even really know the guy. After all, I know I change when I'm around him. I try not to, but I just can't be myself when I'm around him. I'm not sure I know him anymore.
I suppose I'm wishing for a perfect father, but then again I suppose everyone wishes they had a perfect father.
I know, I'm complaining. For this I apologize.
I'm just overly frustrated at this moment. No, at every moment.
I just need to take a chill pill.
..But It still makes me sad to think about..

It's going to be alright after all.

I am so blessed to be able to be in this beautiful world God has created for us.
This wonderful world in which we can smile, laugh, play, & cry tears of joy- in which we can mourn, cry, hurt, get lost & stuck- yet we don't lose sight of the truth that everything will be alright. Some time, somehow, some way- It's going to be alright. We will get through it. It may take longer than we want, it may be in a different way than we had hoped- but all in all..
It's going to be alright.

I think our family is growing up!

The Happy Ramblings of an Almost-19-Year-Old. :P

I'm just a daughter of God, simply trying to live this life he's blessed me with to the fullest. Some days I'm just making it by with what I have, surviving, existing.. But then there are those days when I know there's a purpose to why I'm here. Quite random and fickle, I like to find smiles and giggles in even the smallest of things. Life is too short, sometimes I forget that.
I don't follow status quo or the 'normal', whatever 'normal' is.. Sometimes a wallflower, at times a social butterfly. I'll laugh and cry without notice. I love to feel love- For everyone and everything around me, and sometimes even for myself. I take each step of faith beside the one who loves me, my savior.
I'm just an average girl, grateful to be. I can talk and play and walk and write! I can help those around me, I can be an example, I can dance around my room, I can love and be loved, I can pray to my heart's content!
Friends have come and gone away, and I treasure the ones that have stuck by my side, on good days and on those days in the rain.
I know God's transforming me into that beautiful butterfly, because right now I'm just that fuzzy caterpillar, wrapped in it's comforting cocoon.
I'm the girl who thinks too much, and just needs to slow down and realize that everything will be okay
Because God cares..
Because
God is love.

Third Grade

So I've been trying to organize this place a bit better within the past few weeks. Upon closer inspection of an unlabeled box, I found that it was full of written papers, pictures, certificates, and awards from my elementary school days.
I found one that I particularly like (after fifteen minutes of trying to decipher what it says). Just thought I'd share!
Here it is (and I'm keeping the off grammar, spelling, and random use of caps!)
It seems I was trying to figure out cursive writing, and didn't know how to do some letters in caps, and vice versa.. ;)
"
Mary Lynn
Very flexable, Shy, Helpful
Daughter of Sherie and Steven
lover of family, friends, and Cat's
who feels Happy, excited, and Scared
who needs Challenges, Sleep, and love.
who gives love, fun, and Understandindg
who fears Dogs, Small places, and People I now Dieing.
who hopes for money →Happiness, always Being a Kid, no Homelessnes
who enjoys going to Utah lake, Duck creek and SPending time wiTh My family
Resident of Magna, Utah
Bennett
"

Wings

How sad it would be
If a bird didn't fly
Though given wings,
it just never tried

Because of the fear
of falling from grace
It stayed on the ground,
A cat's prey, making waste

The bird was created
with wings to fly high
Oh, how often we're like
a bird who won't fly

Afraid of our place,
Of falling from grace

Our wings are the trials
God has given to us
That we might fly high
And in Him, place our trust.

Christ is the wind
Beneath our frail wings
That he may carry us
Through even all things

So many dreams buried,
Talents covered by sand
Because of the fear
Of rejection by man

And though sometimes we wonder
Why he puts us through pain
If we spread out our wings
We'll see what we've gained

Love makes a promise
If we give it our all-
If by faith we believe
He will never let us fall.

This fight gives us flight
This fight makes us strong
This fight gives us power
To know where we belong

Oh, was that today?

Woah. What am I doing in this crazy life??
Today, I was awakened all too early for my own good, being begged to take Tim and Amelia back to their moms house, only 20 minutes away..
After only about an hour of them yanking me in every which direction, stealing my blankets & pillow, and nagging at me to get up, I got up.
But of course (and all too conveniently) the car was gone. It was at the Elementary school with my mother, of course.
So we hiked ALL THE WAY up there (okay, so it's only two blocks.. but still!) to get the car.
Anyway, We finally got the car and I took them home.
Then MY adventures began!

Their house is right by the SLCC Redwood road campus- exactly where I needed to go.
So what did I do?
I went, of course!
After only about ten minutes of driving around, looking for where I needed to go and attempting to find a place to park, I was finally able to get out of the car.
..But I didn't. I sat there, with my awesome EFY music on, and prayed.
It may sound a bit weird, I know.. But I don't care.
I was scared! 'College? ME? Oh, no. Not yet.'
But yes, it is time already. After a good 20 minutes, I finally got up the guts to go.
And off I went- to the placement Testing Center.
Sounds exhilarating, I know!
And what did I do?
I took the tests. Yes, all four! Two English, two Math.
What a way to stress a kid out (and YES, I still refer to myself as a kid. Deal with it)!! :P

So, here are the results! ..Or some of them at least.. ;)

By the way, the highest score possible is 120.

On the first English test, I got a 112!
On the second.. a 117! W00t.
If you didn't get the picture..
That means I pawnzorx. Yep, that's right.
The testing lady was even surprised at it! So yeah.. I know my English. (Who'd have guessed?!)
Umm... MATH, on the other hand..
I am going to choose not to disclose, for good reason!
I must admit, I am pretty much the worst math...doer..? EVER.
Like, as in- In all of history. Seriously.
Anyway, after that was over, and I had walked around campus for a bit, I headed off. I sign up for classes tomorrow. Or online tonight.. which I did for one class. :)
And yes, it's nutrition. Of course.
I wish they had a music therapy program there! I am too impatient to wait to go to Utah State.

.. But I digress!
I left the campus and went to Chili's and Ihop. Why?
What? Are you crazy? Do you really think it was to satisfy my inner need for MEATY substances and loaded pancakes??
Sorry to break the news, but it's not happenin'.
No, silly.. I went to apply for a job. Yes, I did!
I hear you can make quite the money waiting tables! haha
Anyway.. Right as I was leaving Ihop, my phone rang.
Oh, yea! JUMP TEAM TRYOUTS ARE TODAY!!
I rushed straight to the Elementary school and we began tryouts.
Oh, goodness.. I forgot how frustrating it can be at the beginning of the year..
If you don't work with students, let me explain:
You work with them all year, and they just keep improving! By the end of the year, They are totally PROs at it. And they are WELL BEHAVED at the end!
..well, as well behaved as third to sixth graders will ever be!
They have the routines memorized, and they can go every trick you could think of!
I even had two girls jumping rope on pogo sticks in a routine!
So.. that's what you expect at the beginning of the next year.
NEWSFLASH!
It doesn't work like that! While some of the kids are the same as previous years, all of my sixth graders are now.. oh, yes.. SEVENTH graders. They have moved on to Jr. High! And now I must find new recruits to fill up the team spots.
I will have 20 on my team this year. The more the merrier?
Ha. I think not!
How can I possibly give individual attention to 20 kids at a time, by myself?
Every year there seem to be more! This will be the fourth year? I think. :P

The first year, there was one little team, maybe eight to ten kids in all. The next year, we broke it into two teams (a top team and a lower team).. Though, of course, we did not let them know those were the categories. "It's totally random!"
There were about eight on each team. I had the lower team. If you don't know, te lower team is more work, for obvious reasons. ...b the end of the year though, my team had exceeded that of the top team! (Go Jiminey Crickets!)

The next year, I was assigned to the top team. How many kids were on it?
15, count 'em. They were all so amazing! And we could work so much faster, since they mostly already knew the tricks, and they were able to choreograph some of the routines with me! Lovely :) And less work for me, woot!

So this year is twenty. I have the top team again, but I'm thinking I want the lower team now.. Why? Well, there are still twenty in it, that's for sure! (yes, forty in all.) I feel bad for the kids who don't make it every year, but there just isn't enough room!
..But again, I digress!
I think I may want the lower team because I feel like I am helping them to learn and grow, I am teaching them, and I can see the spark in their eyes when they get something! It is SO amazing!
As much as I love my top team kids.. They aren't as much fun. They are more fun to watch perform, yes! But they are always like "I already know how to do everything. I'm bored. You should bring us candy since we're amazing and you love us so much. Let's not practice today, we already know it. Can we go home or play a game??"
I DO love them very much! And yes, I'm a sucker, and I take them candy all the time!
And during performances, I feel overly proud of them, and I love the reaction of the people watching! It is truly amazing!
However, nothing really compares to the feeling you get when you can help a child to learn and grow. I can see them do things that they thought they would never be able to do! Doing the lower team, I would often hear an "I can't do it, Mary Lynn!"
..Sometimes, followed by red teary eyes. I would be able to console and help them overcome their fears of not being good enough. After all, I know what it's like!

THAT is what I love most. Showing them that they CAN! If only you could see the look in their eyes when they finally are able to do what they thought they would never do. It is the most amazing thing in the world to see a childs face light up like that!
It may sound a bit stuck-up.. But I feel like I am helping change the world. After all,
Children are the future of our world.

Hide and seek

I was never good at hide and seek, because I'd always make so much noise my friends would be sure to find me. I don't have anyone to play those games with any more, but now and then I make enough noise to be found, because I'm still looking for myself.

Newspaper Writings

Hope for Mary Lynn: a cello and a scholarship

CAPTION:
The Granite Education Foundation presented Cyprus High student Mary Lynn Bennett with a cello last week, giving her hope for a career as a music therapist. Left to right: Principal John Welburn, GEF Executive Director Scott Whipple, Mary Lynn Bennett, Cyprus Instrumental Music Director John McCallister.

By Colin B. Douglas
News Editor

"It gives me hope," Mary Lynn Bennett said.

Last Thursday, Scott Whipple, executive director of the Granite Education Foundation, presented Mary Lynn with a cello at the Cyprus High School office.

Mary Lynn, daughter of Sheri and Stephen Bennett, moved to Magna with her mother and five of her siblings about ten years ago. She started on the cello in fifth grade, at Magna Elementary School. Private lessons were beyond her family's means, but with musically inclined father, She picked up music easily. With instruction from her elementary school teachers and later from junior high teacher, she achieved a degree of proficiency that got her a place in the Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra in only the ninth grade.

Meanwhile, she also learned drums, Irish penny whistle, piano, Bassoon, xylophone/bells, Bass, and Violin.

"I enrolled in orchestra at Cyprus as a sophomore, but I have been unable to since then," she said. "I've always rented school instruments, but there haven't always been enough cellos to go around, now."

Mary Lynn is planning on going to school to be a music therapist.

"This gives me hope," she said. "I didn't have the means to afford such an instrument, and it can really help me on my way to becoming a music therapist."

Whipple said that the GEF is also giving Mary Lynn a scholarship to get her started at SLCC.

Whipple explained that the GEF gives scholarships to give a chance to worthy students, recommended by school officials, who otherwise would not have such an opportunity.

"The GEF consists of 33 board member who focus on helping kids and teachers in the classroom," Whipple said.

The GEF is funded by private donations and fund raising activities, including auctions.