The Fourth of July

So,
Yesterday was a VERY eventful and exciting day!
I woke up in the morning and had the house to myself, as the family had all gone on a hike (I was feeling sick the night before, so they didn't want to wake me). It was quite enjoyable.

When they got back, we hung out for a bit, then I retreated to the loft for a bit, leaving my cell phone on the table. When I went back in to the house, I found that my cell phone was no longer on the table.
...or anywhere else, for that matter. I looked for a couple of hours, but to no avail.

After I gave up searching for a while, Leelou (my big sister, who was in town from Cali.) and I decided to attempt to make an album cover for our band, 'Aspen'. ..Oh, yes- We are a band now. Awesome possum, I know. So, we did that for like an hour..or three...
We got Elisabeth (our little sister) to take the photos. She is now our official photographer/videoagrapher

(sp?).
Then we recorded one of our songs, ..okay, our only song.. (for now), 'Blank Paper', ..terribly. Oh, well. We are definitely too lazy to re-record it. :P
We then proceeded to create a myspace music profile. Again, awesome possum, I know. :)

When Faith realized that the three of us were doing something together and she wasn't, She was noticeably upset.
Plus, even if it wasn't noticeable, she informed us of her frustration.
Needless to say, she is our designing consultant. She has good taste, anyway. :)

I proceeded to put some of the pictures we liked on the computer, Facebook, and Myspace, while Leelou got some much needed rest.
When I finished, I continued the search for my cellular device. I even dumped out EVERY trash can and searched through the nasties, as my family is well known to pull pranks on each other.. and often forget they even did it... And trust me, digging through the trash was NO laughing matter.. especially when it came to the bathroom trash! I men, Gag! That was the most DISGUSTING thing I have experienced in YEARS!
..And I STILL did not find my cell phone. Needless to say, I was getting PRETTY pissed.
...And pissed is an understatement.

We tried to wait around for James, Andrew, and Glenn to get back home for the fireworks.. but we are just an impatient family! I went inside and called them as mom and the girls started outside- luckily, they said it was fine to start without them.
We DID start.. but then, so did the fireworks show, just a few blocks north west of our house.
We put our wimpy fireworks on hold, and headed to the roof to watch.
Well, most of us, anyway. I missed most of it, searching for my phone, again (I didn't want the battery to die before I found it, or it'd be twice as hard to find).
After the 'grand finale', we noticed the sky LIT up, glowing a BRIGHT orange.
We then got a call from my brothers.
"We were ALMOST home, when we noticed the sky glowing. Then, out of nowhere, we are suddenly driving by this HUGE fire! We HAD to stop! You guys gotta get over here! It's awesome!"
We were all VERY psyched by this point, and piled in the car.
We drove for a whole of about one minute before we could see the blazing fire. Awesome Possum!! It was AMAZING!! We stood there on Glenn's car and watched for about half an hour, before the fire had burned so far east it was now behind the trees. We walked to the edge of the highway to see it better.. when *BAM!!*
No, our heads didn't explode from excitement!

Car crash! RIGHT in front of us! They weren't paying attention to the road, as they we obviously entranced by the fire.
Not sure if anyone was hurt.. but I know there was a baby in one of the cars :( How scary!

We continued to the edge of the freeway (or highway? IDK.) and watched the fire for another good hour or two, before the cops told us to leave for about the billionth time.. but seemed serious this time.
So, we left. We walked all the way back to the car (which seemed like forever, as I was in heels the entire time), and I drove us all home.
Mom and Faith Anne left early to go to bed, but the rest of us stayed up in the front room talking when we got home. We all fell asleep in there (yes, all six of us) at about 2:30 AM. Leelou slept on top of me on the little love seat. ..Not the most comfortable night's sleep, I must say...
Leelou got up at four, though, as she had a plane to catch.
When I awoke this morning, She was gone, Glenn had left to work, Andrew had been dropped off back at Lorraine's, James was on his computer, Mom was at the store, beth was on her computer, and Faith was watching TV in the den.
Oh.. and I still can't find my cell phone.

What an eventful day.

Recovery Reasons

Why do I want to recover? I find myself fighting with wanting recovery & not EVERY day- and I want to put an end to it! I DO want recovery!! Why? I made myself a list, so I can look at it whenever I need to- and NOT pertaining to doing it for others. I'm not doing it for others.. I'm doing it for MYSELF.

MY reasons for recovery:

1. So I can love myself
2. So I can be able to play basketball without feeling faint
3. So I can be happy!
4. So I will NEVER have to lie again!
5. So I have more energy!
6. So I can be a better coach for my kids!
7. So I can go out with my friends, party & eat, and feel only JOY from it!
8. So I can love others more fully.
9. So I can play my Cello without getting tired!
10. So I can ACT in theater, and not get dizzy!
11. So the pain really CAN end!
12. So I can LIVE LIFE!!

"Woe is LIFE"

"Woe is me."
My unwanted, yet so familiar, phrase of the day.
'Woe is me."..
What terrible way to look at life.
Thinking about it, I guess 'Woe is LIFE' would be a more appropriate phrase for me. I don't feel like it 'sucks to be me' (for lack of better termiage), it's more of a 'LIFE sucks.' I suppose everyone has those days, though.

The Mystical Abyss we call "LIFE"

I am eighteen. An "adult". Finished with High School. Out of Young Womens, to be placed with the ladies of Relief Society. Oh, how I will miss Young Womens. And my leaders! They are so amazing, they have helped me through SO much, I can't even express their phenomenality!

I am planning to start college soon.
I want to be a music therapist. That is my eventual goal; My career of choice.
But.. can I handle it?
Will I actually go through with it? Or will I give up.. will I fail, like I seem to do so well, in every situation I am faced with, every obstacle I come to.. I sometimes wish THAT could be a profession. I am REALLY good at being a failure! I bet you couldn't find anyone better. But, then again, I would probably fail at that, too. Is it possible to be such a failure that you actually fail at being a failure? If it is, I bet you I could do it.
But I digress..
I truly do want to be a music therapist- with every ounce of my heart, I do. More than anything...
But then I wonder.. Am I good enough? Will I EVER be good enough? I suppose not. I always seem to fall just an inch short of even okay.
I will do my best. That's all I CAN do... But I'm still so scared I'm just not enough..

I realize I have been forced into a new phase of life. I am suddenly an adult.. a college student.. a woman of the Relief Society.. an independent individual.
There are so many choices I must make, so many paths I can take.. I am so overwhelmed and confused.. I just don't know..
Where do I go? What should I do? What choices will I make? Which one is the RIGHT? What is OF my life now? Where AM I? Where SHOULD I be? Who will I become? .. More importantly.. WHO AM I??
I just don't know right now...

Strength

The strength to rise from the pain,
To continue at all cost,
The strength to prolong all the shame,
Knowing that you've lost,
The strength to smile, when all you feel is anger,
To substitute bad days, for the best ones you can remember
The strength to say 'I'm lost’, when pride has blocked your sight,
To say 'please love me', though you've never done it right,
The strength to say you love them, knowing there may be no reply,
To stay by their side at times, when all they do is cry
The strength to try again, after many times of failing,
To finally open up after many years of waiting,
The strength to fall in love, though sacrificing your heart,
To keep a loved one close while knowing you've grown apart,
The strength to say ' I love you' when all else has gone wrong,
To keep on waiting for that something... Regardless of how long.

Nothing but a Dream

Dancing in the rain
Feeling the cold drops on my face
Washing all the pain and hurt and sadness away
Filling me with a new strength and a new peace
A sense of calm and tranquility among the thunder
Washing away the tears of sadness

Big drops of rain
Falling onto my upturned face
The beauty and strength of the storm
Rush through me
Making me believe
In charity,
In hope..
In myself
Making me believe
That one day
The sun will come out
And this will be
Nothing but a dream.

Dear God..

Dear God,
Sometimes I wonder if you still hear me, If I'm still important, if my prayers are even heard, because... well... God, I do things that hurt me. I do things that I know are not your will,-and yet, I still do them.
Today I feel lonely, Lord. I feel like hiding. How can I hurt so much and yet feel so numb? God, these tears running down my face are real. I AM REAL. I am NOT just an eating disorder! I am a real person, and I really need you,-and so do so many others out there. Please, remind us, that we are your children, that we are God's delight!!! Please wrap us in a blanket of love and cradle us tight. Please reveal the beauty in each of us, to OURSELVES. Please show us how to love ourselves the way we know others love us. Teach us God- we really do want to learn.
And, in the meantime, please let each girl know, that all the way up in heaven, there's a father who's loving her, even when she can't love herself.

Newspaper Writings

Hope for Mary Lynn: a cello and a scholarship

CAPTION:
The Granite Education Foundation presented Cyprus High student Mary Lynn Bennett with a cello last week, giving her hope for a career as a music therapist. Left to right: Principal John Welburn, GEF Executive Director Scott Whipple, Mary Lynn Bennett, Cyprus Instrumental Music Director John McCallister.

By Colin B. Douglas
News Editor

"It gives me hope," Mary Lynn Bennett said.

Last Thursday, Scott Whipple, executive director of the Granite Education Foundation, presented Mary Lynn with a cello at the Cyprus High School office.

Mary Lynn, daughter of Sheri and Stephen Bennett, moved to Magna with her mother and five of her siblings about ten years ago. She started on the cello in fifth grade, at Magna Elementary School. Private lessons were beyond her family's means, but with musically inclined father, She picked up music easily. With instruction from her elementary school teachers and later from junior high teacher, she achieved a degree of proficiency that got her a place in the Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra in only the ninth grade.

Meanwhile, she also learned drums, Irish penny whistle, piano, Bassoon, xylophone/bells, Bass, and Violin.

"I enrolled in orchestra at Cyprus as a sophomore, but I have been unable to since then," she said. "I've always rented school instruments, but there haven't always been enough cellos to go around, now."

Mary Lynn is planning on going to school to be a music therapist.

"This gives me hope," she said. "I didn't have the means to afford such an instrument, and it can really help me on my way to becoming a music therapist."

Whipple said that the GEF is also giving Mary Lynn a scholarship to get her started at SLCC.

Whipple explained that the GEF gives scholarships to give a chance to worthy students, recommended by school officials, who otherwise would not have such an opportunity.

"The GEF consists of 33 board member who focus on helping kids and teachers in the classroom," Whipple said.

The GEF is funded by private donations and fund raising activities, including auctions.

Memories of Childhood..

I can feel the rain
Gently sprinkling on my face
The rain is calm and peaceful
I take a deep breath
..And inhale memories of childhood
..Playing in the rain
Splashing in every puddle
..The faint scent of wet rocks..
I would hold them in my hands
And savor that blessed smell

I wiggle my nose, in an attempt to keep ii warm
Brrr... I love the cold

I start to slowly twirl
My arms, reaching out
I tilt back my head
And stick out my tongue
I want to catch the rain
..Feel that familiar coolness on my tongue

I laugh, as I fall back, into the grass
I stare up at the sky..
I see a dragon
Floating on his way...
A dog.. Barking from the heavens

I can see one big cloud,
Brighter than all the rest
Lit up, by the hiding sun
I look at it for a moment, and think..
"I imagine that is heaven.."
I wonder what it's like..
Maybe that was Jesus' dog, barking...
I hope he's a nice dog..

I suddenly realize I'm laying...
...In a puddle of mud.
This makes me smile.
I feel all "Gooey".. and happy.
The thick mud slowly slips through my fingers,
As I begin to coat my feet with it..
They look like Indian feet, now..

I reach for more mud..
And smear thick stripes on my face
I find a dandelion
and place it behind my ear.
I am an Indian princess..
..My long hair, flowing in the wind..
I feel like the most beautiful girl
In the world.
I don't care what anyone else says..
I will be who I WISH to be..
...And as I sit and think..
I realize that I wish..
To be none other than
ME.

He believes

I shiver, as I pull blankets up to my nose.
It's been the same every night for years
I have "goosebumps" from head to toe
..Yet I am not in the cold
..I am in..
fear.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

It drives me to think things I normally wouldn't,
It wants me to do things I know that I shouldn't...
It changes who I am,
Alters personality
It drives me to hate the one person
who can truly stop this thinking..
ME.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

I now live in fear, every day and each night
I feel I'm going to lose this fight..
If it's a battle of willpower,
COUNT ME OUT.
I'm losing it now
I just want to SHOUT!

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was WRONG.

In the depths of despair
I remember a song..
"Walk tall, You're a daughter.."
.. I know where I belong.

He believes I can do this
He believes I am strong
He believes I can make it...
..But can God be WRONG?

Whether win or lose,
I'll still try my best
I'll give it my all;
& let God do the rest.

I think I can do this
I think I am strong
I think I can make it...
But I could be WRONG.

Each day, Every second
is a gift from above
If I reach up my hand,
I can grasp his love.

I think I can do this
I think that I'm strong
I THINK I can make it...
..But I could be WRONG.

Together we fight
Until only WE stand
I know I CAN recover
If I just reach up my hand.

I believe I can do this
I BELIEVE I am strong
I believe I can make it...
...I could always be WRONG...

He tells me I can do this
Gently lifts up my head
And now I remember
The blood that he shed.

I know I can do this.
I know I am strong.
I know I can make it
..because God's NEVER WRONG.

Going Home

Somewhere ....in my time and space
I find that I recall a place,
That comes to me,...by night or day
From a place so far away,
You can embrace this destiny
Which will find you,..as it found me
There is such a comforting force,
When taken through this special course,
To find that you have reached the place
Where you can meet.... face to face,
By returning to.. from where you came
Remembering this face... and name,
To find this peace,.....this road well trod
You know that you're,...a child of God
This place from which you will not roam,
You'll find,.. as you are.. going home.

Fighting

I'm fighting
Fighting myself
Fighting this demon, inside of me
I need to get rid of him
He's making me weak
This monster is all I can see

I'm getting so sick
..He's killing me
This sadness engulfs me..
Come set me FREE!

I never wanted it to go this far
And now I am stuck
Behind these inner bars

I'm trapped in these walls
Of Iron, of Steel
I want to get out
I just want to FEEL!

I'm fighting for freedom
Each and every day
This monster inside me
Will NEVER get his way

I'm fighting for freedom
I'm fighting for Strife
I'm lighting for love
..I'm fighting for LIFE.