Monday, June 23, 2008

Recovery Reasons

Why do I want to recover? I find myself fighting with wanting recovery & not EVERY day- and I want to put an end to it! I DO want recovery!! Why? I made myself a list, so I can look at it whenever I need to- and NOT pertaining to doing it for others. I'm not doing it for others.. I'm doing it for MYSELF.

MY reasons for recovery:

1. So I can love myself
2. So I can be able to play basketball without feeling faint
3. So I can be happy!
4. So I will NEVER have to lie again!
5. So I have more energy!
6. So I can be a better coach for my kids!
7. So I can go out with my friends, party & eat, and feel only JOY from it!
8. So I can love others more fully.
9. So I can play my Cello without getting tired!
10. So I can ACT in theater, and not get dizzy!
11. So the pain really CAN end!
12. So I can LIVE LIFE!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

"Woe is LIFE"

"Woe is me."
My unwanted, yet so familiar, phrase of the day.
'Woe is me."..
What terrible way to look at life.
Thinking about it, I guess 'Woe is LIFE' would be a more appropriate phrase for me. I don't feel like it 'sucks to be me' (for lack of better termiage), it's more of a 'LIFE sucks.' I suppose everyone has those days, though.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Mystical Abyss we call "LIFE"

I am eighteen. An "adult". Finished with High School. Out of Young Womens, to be placed with the ladies of Relief Society. Oh, how I will miss Young Womens. And my leaders! They are so amazing, they have helped me through SO much, I can't even express their phenomenality!

I am planning to start college soon.
I want to be a music therapist. That is my eventual goal; My career of choice.
But.. can I handle it?
Will I actually go through with it? Or will I give up.. will I fail, like I seem to do so well, in every situation I am faced with, every obstacle I come to.. I sometimes wish THAT could be a profession. I am REALLY good at being a failure! I bet you couldn't find anyone better. But, then again, I would probably fail at that, too. Is it possible to be such a failure that you actually fail at being a failure? If it is, I bet you I could do it.
But I digress..
I truly do want to be a music therapist- with every ounce of my heart, I do. More than anything...
But then I wonder.. Am I good enough? Will I EVER be good enough? I suppose not. I always seem to fall just an inch short of even okay.
I will do my best. That's all I CAN do... But I'm still so scared I'm just not enough..

I realize I have been forced into a new phase of life. I am suddenly an adult.. a college student.. a woman of the Relief Society.. an independent individual.
There are so many choices I must make, so many paths I can take.. I am so overwhelmed and confused.. I just don't know..
Where do I go? What should I do? What choices will I make? Which one is the RIGHT? What is OF my life now? Where AM I? Where SHOULD I be? Who will I become? .. More importantly.. WHO AM I??
I just don't know right now...

Monday, June 9, 2008


The strength to rise from the pain,
To continue at all cost,
The strength to prolong all the shame,
Knowing that you've lost,
The strength to smile, when all you feel is anger,
To substitute bad days, for the best ones you can remember
The strength to say 'I'm lost’, when pride has blocked your sight,
To say 'please love me', though you've never done it right,
The strength to say you love them, knowing there may be no reply,
To stay by their side at times, when all they do is cry
The strength to try again, after many times of failing,
To finally open up after many years of waiting,
The strength to fall in love, though sacrificing your heart,
To keep a loved one close while knowing you've grown apart,
The strength to say ' I love you' when all else has gone wrong,
To keep on waiting for that something... Regardless of how long.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Nothing but a Dream

Dancing in the rain
Feeling the cold drops on my face
Washing all the pain and hurt and sadness away
Filling me with a new strength and a new peace
A sense of calm and tranquility among the thunder
Washing away the tears of sadness

Big drops of rain
Falling onto my upturned face
The beauty and strength of the storm
Rush through me
Making me believe
In charity,
In hope..
In myself
Making me believe
That one day
The sun will come out
And this will be
Nothing but a dream.

Dear God..

Dear God,
Sometimes I wonder if you still hear me, If I'm still important, if my prayers are even heard, because... well... God, I do things that hurt me. I do things that I know are not your will,-and yet, I still do them.
Today I feel lonely, Lord. I feel like hiding. How can I hurt so much and yet feel so numb? God, these tears running down my face are real. I AM REAL. I am NOT just an eating disorder! I am a real person, and I really need you,-and so do so many others out there. Please, remind us, that we are your children, that we are God's delight!!! Please wrap us in a blanket of love and cradle us tight. Please reveal the beauty in each of us, to OURSELVES. Please show us how to love ourselves the way we know others love us. Teach us God- we really do want to learn.
And, in the meantime, please let each girl know, that all the way up in heaven, there's a father who's loving her, even when she can't love herself.