Thursday, August 20, 2009

Center For Change

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Happy & Proud!

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just never felt the moment was right to write.

First off are my medical updates:

I've finally been diagnosed with Epilepsy. If it's not one thing, it's another. It DOES explain a LOT though!! I hate this though. I'm not allowed to take baths- If I have an epileptic episode, I'll quickly breath in the water and die. I HATE showers. I always take baths. I think it's a family thing- my big sis Leelou will only take baths, as well as my father. I've still been taking baths. I know it's very dangerous, and it scares me very much- but I just can't do showers- they freak me out.

Also, I'm not allowed to drive within three months of having an epileptic episode. What am I supposed to do without a car?!!? It's okay, I'll drive anyway.
However, it scares me to death every time I drive now. I'm in this panic state, it's awful even thinking about it.

I've recently had the great opportunity to start meeting with a great dietitian, Elena. She's been helping me SO much!! She even got me in to see a psychologist named Wendy. Both Elena and Wendy are Eating Disorder specialists. I'm also going to continue seeing my Social Worker, Miriam and my great doctor (who also specializes in EDs), Lesli. I finally have my support team in place!! Not to mention Alesia, my Psychiatrist. And my Alex! He is SO supportive and helpful! I finally feel like I can do this. I can conquer this time!! 18th time's a charm, right? ha
I've been doing so well in recovery, despite everything that's coming my way! I'm actually proud of myself. I've never liked myself enough to be proud. I can always do better, there's no reason to be proud of myself for being second rate.

I'm not second rate. I'm Mary Lynn. I'm whoever I wish to be. I'm not second rate.
And you know what? For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself.
I can do this.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

You'd BETTER.. ;)

It's long overdue, but here's a video thin I put together of when Alex and I went to see the American Idol Live Tour! ..And you'd better watch it, I just took hours putting this together for you!! And you'll easily be able to tell- Danny Gokey is my FAVORITE!

(A few of the clips are from someone else's camera- for different views:D )

The video isn't working, so just click on the title of this post.


We had a blast!!