Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What have you done in your life?

This is a list of things I have done, haven't done, and possibly some day will do... The ones in Bold and Italic are the things that I have done. (My editor thing won't let me use colors!) I’d love to see your responses too, so join in! :)


1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning- (not that bad)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa – (that would be sweet… I want to do some humanitarian aid there eventually)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - When I was little we saw Pocahontas. It was pretty rad. :P
55. Been in a movie -Do school movies count? haha
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business ..Does a lemonade stand count?
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar – no way!!
72. Pieced a quilt - (I helped..)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle -When I was little.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (I've been IN a book)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -HECK no.
88. Had chickenpox -When I was 3 mo. old!
89. Saved someone’s life - Maybe someday.
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Friday, December 19, 2008

Today

My soul is crying today.
It's just so tired of fighting, it doesn't want to keep going anymore.
I can't blame it, though. I want to give up as well. My soul is running on empty, it has no fuel to keep it going, to keep it fighting for life. I would help it if I could- but alas, I have no fuel myself.
I think my soul should fade away soon, and I along with it.
I just wish I could help my little soul in need.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, the oldest living apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died at 11:30 p.m. Monday at the age of 91.

A press release from the LDS Church said Elder Wirthlin had gone to bed at his Salt Lake City home, and died peacefully of causes incident to age. His oldest daughter, Jane Wirthlin Parker, was present. A member of the family had been staying and caring for Elder Wirthlin, whose wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, died two years ago.

The release said Elder Wirthlin had continued to work at his office right up until the Thanksgiving holiday. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Elder Wirthlin's last major public appearance was at the church's most recent semi-annual general conference in October, when he shared an address many church members have since used in lessons and as a guide in dealing with personal challenges. Titled "Come What May and Love It," he spoke of a challenge after his football team lost a tough game.

As he complained about the game to his mother, he received advice that he said had stayed with him all his life. "Joseph," she said, "come what may and love it." She had taught them to "trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes and give their best effort in everything they attempted."

"When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again," he said. "In spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser and happier as a result."

He also spoke of death, saying "life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take us from the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."

He reminded Latter-day Saints that top church leaders are not immune from challenges that members face. "There may be some who think that general authorities rarely experience pain, suffering or distress. If only that were true.The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness."

Elder Wirthlin lost his wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, on Aug. 16, 2006, when she died at age 87 of causes incident to age. He spoke of his heartache at the following general conference, but expressed confidence in eternal life and Jesus Christ's power over death.

He was born June 11, 1917 in Salt Lake City to Joseph L. and Madeline Bitner Wirthlin. From his own account, he was about seven years old when his lifelong commitment to the gospel took root.

"I was in a fast and testimony meeting when a humble brother bore his testimony. He spoke with such fervency that it electrified me to the point that I partook of his great spirit as to the truthfulness of the gospel." "

Excerpt from
Carrie A. Moore
Deseret News

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Friday, November 28, 2008

Stitched- Faith Anne style!

So my little Faith Anne...
Poor, poor, Faith Anne...
I don't want to spoil her story, so here are a couple pictures taken about five minutes ago, and if you click on the title of this post, it will take you to Faith's blog.




Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgivingities.. and all of that.. :)

Hey, I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy thanksgiving!
You only have one Thanksgiving for 2008, and we never know what may happen during the course of a year- So make this one count!
Oh, and it HAS to be said- Try not to murder too many cute little innocent turkeys!!
( I know, I crack myself up.)

Also, I had a great birthday, which I may or may not write about if I ever decide I'm not too lazy to. But I WILL let you all know that I got a freaking GUITAR AMP!! YESS!!
Exactly what I wanted. :)


;) Have a good one!

PS- I have taken the liberty to make the title of this post link to a website you should check out really quick!
Loves all around!
♥ ♥ ♥



Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Happy Ramblings of an Almost-19-Year-Old. :P

I'm just a daughter of God, simply trying to live this life he's blessed me with to the fullest. Some days I'm just making it by with what I have, surviving, existing.. But then there are those days when I know there's a purpose to why I'm here. Quite random and fickle, I like to find smiles and giggles in even the smallest of things. Life is too short, sometimes I forget that.
I don't follow status quo or the 'normal', whatever 'normal' is.. Sometimes a wallflower, at times a social butterfly. I'll laugh and cry without notice. I love to feel love- For everyone and everything around me, and sometimes even for myself. I take each step of faith beside the one who loves me, my savior.
I'm just an average girl, grateful to be. I can talk and play and walk and write! I can help those around me, I can be an example, I can dance around my room, I can love and be loved, I can pray to my heart's content!
Friends have come and gone away, and I treasure the ones that have stuck by my side, on good days and on those days in the rain.
I know God's transforming me into that beautiful butterfly, because right now I'm just that fuzzy caterpillar, wrapped in it's comforting cocoon.
I'm the girl who thinks too much, and just needs to slow down and realize that everything will be okay
Because God cares..
Because
God is love.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Proposition 8..

While I personally fully believe that marriage should be between a man and woman.. I don't think it's anyone else's place to say if two people love each other or not. They have a right to live how they believe just like everyone else does, just like WE do. How would you feel if most of the world believed in only same-sex marriages, and you were in love with and ready to marry someone of the opposite gender?
I know that I don't believe it's right. I know that a LOT of people, including the church, don't believe it's right.. But I also know that everyone should have a right to live what they believe, as long as it doesn't impose on anyone else's rights- which it's not.

Why is everyone, the WORLD, so set on making everyone live, look, act, and feel the same?
We are each unique individuals, not some kind of robots! We each have our own emotions, we each have our own beliefs- and we each have the right to have them.
Why must we impose on what other beliefs? Why must we make everyone uniform to what the world wants to see?

Just because some people don't believe the same as you and I, it doesn't mean they don't have a right to believe it. I don't know about you, but I live my beliefs. I believe in the church, and I live by it's standards. By doing so, I am not in any way imposing on others rights.
I believe it's the same way with gay people (For lack of a better term). They believe that it is okay to let themselves fall in love with whomever they will. They are not imposing on others rights. Should they not, then, be able to live as they believe?
They should not be denied a legal bond simply because we don't like it.
WHO CARES what we like?? It's not about US. It's about THEM, it's THEIR lives, not ours.

Alright, I guess that is all. Please let me know what your thoughts are on the subject though, I'd really like to hear them.




Friday, October 3, 2008

My BLOG is LOVED! (is YOURS?)

I am so proud: I have been awarded the "I Love Your Blog" award by Jana AND Cherise!! So I get to try to answer these questions in one word. It will be very tricky, but don't worry...we'll get through this together.

1. Where is your cell phone? Lap

2. Where is your significant other? Canada ;)

3. Your hair color? Blonde

4. Your mother? Sleeping

5. Your father? Boston

6. Your favorite thing? Music

7. Your dream last night? Foggy..

8. Your dream/goal? Happiness.

9. The room you're in? Den

10. Your hobby? Instruments

11. Your fear? Failure

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mercury? :)

13. Where were you last night? Loft

14. What you're not? ED!

15. One of your wish-list items? Djembe

16. Where you grew up? Magna <3

17. The last thing you ate? Veggieburger

18. What are you wearing? Bracelets

19. Your TV? old

20. Your pet? Alecia!

21. Your computer? Mac

22. Your mood? Extreme

23. Missing someone? Forever

24. Your car? Black

25. Something you're not wearing? Bra

26. Favorite store? Kohls?

27. Your summer? Hot.

28. Love someone? Everyone.

29. Your favorite color? Orange!

30. When is the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? yesterday


I award the following 7 people with the "I love your blog award" and in so doing tag them to complete the above questions.

Lindsey- "Join me in the journey of finding my wings"
Shelly- "Random Musings"
KC Elaine- "Spilled Coffee"
Faith- "Rainy Days and Mondays"
Ashley- "You Like Ashley"
Katie- "Kate-thryn :)"
Eric- "√úbergeek"
Sheryl- "Midnight Nurse"
Kristin- "My Moonstars"

(Alright, it's a few more than seven.. get over it.)

<3

Friday, September 26, 2008

Third Grade

So I've been trying to organize this place a bit better within the past few weeks. Upon closer inspection of an unlabeled box, I found that it was full of written papers, pictures, certificates, and awards from my elementary school days.
I found one that I particularly like (after fifteen minutes of trying to decipher what it says). Just thought I'd share!
Here it is (and I'm keeping the off grammar, spelling, and random use of caps!)
It seems I was trying to figure out cursive writing, and didn't know how to do some letters in caps, and vice versa.. ;)
"
Mary Lynn
Very flexable, Shy, Helpful
Daughter of Sherie and Steven
lover of family, friends, and Cat's
who feels Happy, excited, and Scared
who needs Challenges, Sleep, and love.
who gives love, fun, and Understandindg
who fears Dogs, Small places, and People I now Dieing.
who hopes for money →Happiness, always Being a Kid, no Homelessnes
who enjoys going to Utah lake, Duck creek and SPending time wiTh My family
Resident of Magna, Utah
Bennett
"

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

His Love

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
It's hard to understand
How all of this is real

A smile from every laugh
A frown from every tear
I don't know which I've benefited
From most this year

There've been nights that I have mourned
Nights that I have cried..
But the feelings I've felt,
These feelings deep inside

They remind me who I am
And remind me why I fight
For at the end of each dark tunnel
There is a light.

If I set aside my pain
And put aside my sorrow,
There's a lesson to be learned
Which will help with life tomorrow.

There's always a battle to be fought
And always a struggle to be won
But if we turn to the light..
We'll find The Son.

If we give Him our whole hearts
And reach with all our might
He'll embrace us in His arms
And forever hold us tight.

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
So I turn to He, who loves me
And know my happiness is real.

Now I know which I've benefited from most this year
It's the times that have been hard
The times that without Him
My life would have been left scarred

I know His love is real
I know His words are true
And if you turn to Him
He will gladly comfort you.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Setting things straight..

It was brought to my attention that my last post (which I have now deleted) was bringing up some controversy. I just wanted to say I in no way meant to make my mother seem like the "bad guy".
My mother is a wonderful person and an amazing mother- and I love her very much.
I do not agree with the way she handles some situations, but people deal with situations in different manners. She is a mother, I am her daughter. Of COURSE we aren't going to agree on things! It's a fact of life :)

I was simply meaning to express my own feelings about a situation which I feel quite strongly about, not to impose negative speculation on anyone. For this, I apologize.

While my mother and I are very different people, she is definitely an amazing woman and mother.

I wouldn't trade her for the world.



Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sleepless..

I shiver beneath my blankets
I tighten them around me
My eyes closed tight
I cannot get to sleep
My mind refuses to stop thinking
My heart refuses to stop crying
I feel sick, as I often do
I am cold.. So very cold..
I feel it all throughout me
But my blankets are warm
And the heat's turned up
..Yet I still shiver here


Friday, September 12, 2008

Blog, Blog, Blog!

I just wanted to let everyone know that Faith Anne (My youngest sister) now has her own blog! She is just starting out, but she would LOVE people to read and comment!
It is very cute.
Check it out:
FaithAnneBee.Blogspot.com


in other news, I just wanted to mention something funny that we noticed today..

You see, our calender ran out of pages. Yes, July was the last month it had!
So, being the creative folks we are, we made the cardboard back of the calender into the month of August.. Which worked GREAT until it was suddenly September..
So, my mother created and printed off September, October, and November calender pages, stapled them together, and pasted them to the remains of the cardboard.

Today, as we are trying to figure out how long until certain events, we realize something..
Oh, yes.
Our mother, a Kindergarten teacher
Put the months together in the WRONG order.

I wouldn't worry about it too much though. It's not like she has to teach it to 45 5&6 year olds or anything...

Sorry to break the news, mom-
But October comes BEFORE November.
:)

Friday, September 5, 2008

Wings

How sad it would be
If a bird didn't fly
Though given wings,
it just never tried

Because of the fear
of falling from grace
It stayed on the ground,
A cat's prey, making waste

The bird was created
with wings to fly high
Oh, how often we're like
a bird who won't fly

Afraid of our place,
Of falling from grace

Our wings are the trials
God has given to us
That we might fly high
And in Him, place our trust.

Christ is the wind
Beneath our frail wings
That he may carry us
Through even all things

So many dreams buried,
Talents covered by sand
Because of the fear
Of rejection by man

And though sometimes we wonder
Why he puts us through pain
If we spread out our wings
We'll see what we've gained

Love makes a promise
If we give it our all-
If by faith we believe
He will never let us fall.

This fight gives us flight
This fight makes us strong
This fight gives us power
To know where we belong


Monday, September 1, 2008

Wearing a Smile

She smiles so sweetly
To hide the fear
To hide the pain
That's always near

Her stomach aches
From being sad
She wants to stop
Feeling so bad

She wishes the world
Were a happier place
That way she could put
A smile on her face

Will no one notice
The pain that's inside
Can no one see
How much she's cried?

Wanting to feel free
Wanting to be happy
Tired of pretending that
There is no misery

What will it take
For people to know
It's actually fake-
The smile that she shows

She has the world fooled
Thinking she's pleased
With how her life's going
They can be so naive

But someone will see
..Someday soon..
And notice that there
Is no bright moon

To light up her misery
To fade away pain
Make her really smile
Just one time, again


Monday, August 25, 2008

Lyrics

My favorite verse of
"Hero" By Superchick.
I love it because it is the blunt truth of our world today.
But be warned- it is definitely blunt.



No one talks to her,
She feels so alone
She's in too much pain
To survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle
Overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm,
Wants to give up her life

Each day she goes on
Is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie
That giving up is the way
Each moment of courage,
Her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out..
A hero is made.

Heroes are made when you make a choice.

You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, (Our time is NOW)
You can join the fight
For what’s right..
For what's right
For what's RIGHT.


[[Superchick]]

If you scroll to the bottom of the blog, the song is on my playlist. I would suggest you listen to it!
"HERO" by SUPERCHICK.
You got it!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Oh, was that today?

Woah. What am I doing in this crazy life??
Today, I was awakened all too early for my own good, being begged to take Tim and Amelia back to their moms house, only 20 minutes away..
After only about an hour of them yanking me in every which direction, stealing my blankets & pillow, and nagging at me to get up, I got up.
But of course (and all too conveniently) the car was gone. It was at the Elementary school with my mother, of course.
So we hiked ALL THE WAY up there (okay, so it's only two blocks.. but still!) to get the car.
Anyway, We finally got the car and I took them home.
Then MY adventures began!

Their house is right by the SLCC Redwood road campus- exactly where I needed to go.
So what did I do?
I went, of course!
After only about ten minutes of driving around, looking for where I needed to go and attempting to find a place to park, I was finally able to get out of the car.
..But I didn't. I sat there, with my awesome EFY music on, and prayed.
It may sound a bit weird, I know.. But I don't care.
I was scared! 'College? ME? Oh, no. Not yet.'
But yes, it is time already. After a good 20 minutes, I finally got up the guts to go.
And off I went- to the placement Testing Center.
Sounds exhilarating, I know!
And what did I do?
I took the tests. Yes, all four! Two English, two Math.
What a way to stress a kid out (and YES, I still refer to myself as a kid. Deal with it)!! :P

So, here are the results! ..Or some of them at least.. ;)

By the way, the highest score possible is 120.

On the first English test, I got a 112!
On the second.. a 117! W00t.
If you didn't get the picture..
That means I pawnzorx. Yep, that's right.
The testing lady was even surprised at it! So yeah.. I know my English. (Who'd have guessed?!)
Umm... MATH, on the other hand..
I am going to choose not to disclose, for good reason!
I must admit, I am pretty much the worst math...doer..? EVER.
Like, as in- In all of history. Seriously.
Anyway, after that was over, and I had walked around campus for a bit, I headed off. I sign up for classes tomorrow. Or online tonight.. which I did for one class. :)
And yes, it's nutrition. Of course.
I wish they had a music therapy program there! I am too impatient to wait to go to Utah State.

.. But I digress!
I left the campus and went to Chili's and Ihop. Why?
What? Are you crazy? Do you really think it was to satisfy my inner need for MEATY substances and loaded pancakes??
Sorry to break the news, but it's not happenin'.
No, silly.. I went to apply for a job. Yes, I did!
I hear you can make quite the money waiting tables! haha
Anyway.. Right as I was leaving Ihop, my phone rang.
Oh, yea! JUMP TEAM TRYOUTS ARE TODAY!!
I rushed straight to the Elementary school and we began tryouts.
Oh, goodness.. I forgot how frustrating it can be at the beginning of the year..
If you don't work with students, let me explain:
You work with them all year, and they just keep improving! By the end of the year, They are totally PROs at it. And they are WELL BEHAVED at the end!
..well, as well behaved as third to sixth graders will ever be!
They have the routines memorized, and they can go every trick you could think of!
I even had two girls jumping rope on pogo sticks in a routine!
So.. that's what you expect at the beginning of the next year.
NEWSFLASH!
It doesn't work like that! While some of the kids are the same as previous years, all of my sixth graders are now.. oh, yes.. SEVENTH graders. They have moved on to Jr. High! And now I must find new recruits to fill up the team spots.
I will have 20 on my team this year. The more the merrier?
Ha. I think not!
How can I possibly give individual attention to 20 kids at a time, by myself?
Every year there seem to be more! This will be the fourth year? I think. :P

The first year, there was one little team, maybe eight to ten kids in all. The next year, we broke it into two teams (a top team and a lower team).. Though, of course, we did not let them know those were the categories. "It's totally random!"
There were about eight on each team. I had the lower team. If you don't know, te lower team is more work, for obvious reasons. ...b the end of the year though, my team had exceeded that of the top team! (Go Jiminey Crickets!)

The next year, I was assigned to the top team. How many kids were on it?
15, count 'em. They were all so amazing! And we could work so much faster, since they mostly already knew the tricks, and they were able to choreograph some of the routines with me! Lovely :) And less work for me, woot!

So this year is twenty. I have the top team again, but I'm thinking I want the lower team now.. Why? Well, there are still twenty in it, that's for sure! (yes, forty in all.) I feel bad for the kids who don't make it every year, but there just isn't enough room!
..But again, I digress!
I think I may want the lower team because I feel like I am helping them to learn and grow, I am teaching them, and I can see the spark in their eyes when they get something! It is SO amazing!
As much as I love my top team kids.. They aren't as much fun. They are more fun to watch perform, yes! But they are always like "I already know how to do everything. I'm bored. You should bring us candy since we're amazing and you love us so much. Let's not practice today, we already know it. Can we go home or play a game??"
I DO love them very much! And yes, I'm a sucker, and I take them candy all the time!
And during performances, I feel overly proud of them, and I love the reaction of the people watching! It is truly amazing!
However, nothing really compares to the feeling you get when you can help a child to learn and grow. I can see them do things that they thought they would never be able to do! Doing the lower team, I would often hear an "I can't do it, Mary Lynn!"
..Sometimes, followed by red teary eyes. I would be able to console and help them overcome their fears of not being good enough. After all, I know what it's like!

THAT is what I love most. Showing them that they CAN! If only you could see the look in their eyes when they finally are able to do what they thought they would never do. It is the most amazing thing in the world to see a childs face light up like that!
It may sound a bit stuck-up.. But I feel like I am helping change the world. After all,
Children are the future of our world.

No secrets here!

Well, I guess things don't stay secrets for long with Faith Anne!
Today she made a comment to someone, who I will not name.
"---, Why am I getting so fat? I don't like it."
..
...Well THAT was straight forward! At least she is honest.
I heard ------ explain to her that when little girls are growing up, sometimes that happens, and it's okay.
"That sounds like a good answer!" I thought
Oh, but there is more.
Faith: "Well how come my friends aren't fat and I am? I want to be skinny."
----: "Well, if you want to look better, you have to watch what you eat! You should cut back on sugars and fats, that will help. And there is something on the back of packages of everything that tells you how fat it will make you. It's called "Calories". The higher the number of calories, the more fat it can make you, especially if you aren't exercising enough. So if you watch those and count them up every day, you can know if you are eating so much you are going to get fat, or so little you are going to get skinny."
OH.
MY.
GOODNESS.

NOT cool to tell a nine year old! She shouldn't be worrying about that!
Does -- really want ANOTHER child in their life with an Eating Disorder?
I would think one wold be enough.. But hey, what do I know?
Anyway,
Of course, I took her aside myself and talked to her.
"Eat when you are hungry, and stop when your tummy says you are full. Don't eat when you are just bored. Listen to your tummy, it knows what it needs! Trust it. If your stomach tells you that you are still hungry after you eat something, it's okay to eat a little bit more!"

"Remember in october when I left and was gone for a few months? You had to visit me in the hospital, and I had a tube in my nose and down my throat?
Well, do you know WHY I was sick, and I had to have that icky tube? It's because I wasn't listening to what my body was telling me to eat. I was ignoring it! I know, how SILLY of me! You don't want to have to do that, do ya? If you trust your body, you won't have to!"

I then went on to explain that being 'skinny' doesn't mean you are healthy. This was (surprisingly to me) a very hard concept for her to grasp! I explained it to the best of my abilities, but she still seemed a bit dissatisfied with the answer. She wanted someone to give her something more to do to not get fat.
I proceeded to show her the "Nutrition by Natalie" Vlogs on youtube, as I myself have found them to be extremely helpful.

I wish she would jut be happy with who she is.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Insecurities of a Nine Year Old



A nine year old girl should never have to feel insecure about herself-
And yet we see it more and more each day. It just isn't fair! A nine year old should be worrying about cooties, figuring out what their favorite color is, getting every Hannah Montana poster known to man, and showing off their scraped up knees, not their self-image!
I say this because I notice my beautiful, innocent 'baby' sister is making comments that I feel a little girl should never make, though it is widely accepted in our society today.
Upon seeing a picture of herself, Faith Anne promptly comments "Ew! Delete it. I look fat!"
Later that day, I take a few pictures of the two of us, as we often do when we are hanging out together.
I take a picture or two, and then notice Faith Anne..
She puts her hands over her tummy and pushes is in with her arms- with a worried, almost scared, look on her face.
My first thought was that she had a stomach ache- But I caught her eye, and that uncomfortable look of distress.. I know it all too well. She did not have a stomach ache. She was squirming, uncomfortable in her own skin.. Examining, poking and pinching, at her own body- and not liking it.

"Just take them of only our faces, okay?" She said, smiling, but with the most concerned look in her eyes I think I've ever seen.
I just about lost it.. but didn't let it show.
"But you're so beautiful, and you look so cute!"
She gave me her "Cut the crap, I'm not an idiot" look, which she gives when she knows we are trying to trick her into believing something she knows can't possibly be true.
"I'm serious! You look gorgeous!"
"No. i don't want to be in the pictures, then."
Needless to say, the rest of the pictures were taken almost exclusively of our faces.
How can a nine year old be so concerned about the way she looks that she doesn't even want to be seen in a picture? What has the world come to when a little girl can't stand the look of herself? It is so sad. I am at a loss of what to do. I want to tell her that it doesn't matter what he world thinks, and to love herself for who she is on the inside.
But how can I possibly do this, when I can't even believe or do it myself?
You learn by others' actions, not by others' words.




The facts:
37% of females age 11, 42% of females age 13 and 48% of females age 15 say they need to lose weight.
Health and Welfare Canada. The health of Canada's youth, views and behaviours of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds from 11 countries. (1992). Anonymous. Ottawa ON: Minister of Supply and Services..

47% of females age 11, 58% of females age 13, and 55% of females age 15 say they would change how they look if they could.
Health and Welfare Canada. The health of Canada's youth, views and behaviours of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds from 11 countries. (1992). Anonymous. Ottawa ON: Minister of Supply and Services.

Two Canadian schools were surveyed, and 50% of girls with HEALTHY WEIGHTS were dieting because they saw themselves as "overweight".
(CMAJ).

81% of 10-year-olds restrict eating (diet). At least 46% of 9-year-olds restricted eating.
Mellin, Scully and Irwin, Paper presented at American Dietetic Assoc. Annual Meeting. (Berkley study)


52% of girls begin dieting before age 14.
Johnson, et al, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 1984, 13.

71% of adolescent girls want to be thinner despite only a small proportion being over a healthy weight.
Paxton et al (1991). Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 20, 361-379.

The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that when young girls were given surveys, they stated that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents.


These are some SCARY statistics. Now I'm not saying, by any means, that Faith has a problem with eating or anything like that- she seems to be fine with it. Nor am I saying that all little girls are going to have a problem like this!
I just think it's so sad what has been drilled into their minds at such a young age.
Childhood should be about being a child!
Gosh, leave something for those teenage years, will ya?

...Just a thought.



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST

"We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST"
My amazing EFY counselor, Amber, told us this one night during devotional.
To clarify, we often find it simple to believe in Christ without doubting.. but when it comes to what Christ says, we doubt it.
It leads me to ponder what I truly believe when it comes to that.. I do not doubt that he lives. I do not doubt that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I do not doubt the teachings of the gospel- I believe it with all of my heart.
Why, then, when my OWN worth is brought up, do I suddenly show doubt in him, in his teachings? Why is it so easy to believe him when he says we are all of infinite worth, but when it becomes personal, that I am of infinite worth, The doubt comes on almost immediately, so easily? I can easily see the great worth and potential in others- why, then, can I not see it in myself? Am I the one exception, he one he doesn't love or care about, the one with no worth? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. We all (or a good amount of us at least) feel this way sometimes- each to different extremes, more or less.
Is this considered faith? Believing when it is easy to believe, and doubting when it's not?

Christ knows us each individually- one by one. He believes in us. Each and every one of us. Is it, then, really so hard to believe in him, in his teachings?

"Look unto me in every thought- Doubt not, fear not."
If we looked unto Christ in all our doings, we would not be so insecure about ourselves. Should we not all be able to see what God sees? God sees us- His beautiful children, His beloved sons and daughters with endless potential. Yet we very seldomly see this in ourselves- Some of us, perhaps never at all.

We are doubting. We are Fearing. Does that make us bad? Does that make God love us less? No. It makes us HUMAN!- Sadly, it's is what we do best. We let our minds persuade our spirits that we are less than we are- we let OTHERS' minds, others' mouths, others' actions, convince us that we are not of worth.
But you know what? We are of INFINITE worth! Not just as a people- individually.
Each one of us, individually, is of infinite worth. YOU are of infinite worth. I, Mary Lynn Bennett, am of infinite worth!
..if only we could convince our imperfect minds of this..


Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hide and seek


I was never good at hide and seek, because I'd always make so much noise my friends would be sure to find me. I don't have anyone to play those games with any more, but now and then I make enough noise to be found, because I'm still looking for myself.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bits of sunshine, rays of hope



These are some of my favorites. They give me the hope to keep going, day after day. :) My hope is that they might give you a sense of hope, too. <3


"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

"REMEMBER, THE WORTH OF SOULS IS GREAT IN THE SIGHT OF GOD."
D&C 18:10

"Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"
Matt 7:7

"Ye are the light of the world! A city that is put on a hill can not be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto ALL that are in the house.
Let YOUR light so shine before men, that others may see your good works, and glorify your father which is in heaven."
Matt 5:14-16

"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
Matt 21:22

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for their is the kingdom of heaven. ...
.. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven."
Matt 5:3-10, 12

"FOR WITH GOD, NOTHING SHALL BE IMPOSSIBLE."
Luke 1:37

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Make it stop

I don't know what to do. Right now I want to cry. I want to throw my hands up in the air and just yell 'I'M DONE. I give up.' I can't do this anymore! I just can't. I'm not strong enough, and Ed is TOO strong. I'm quickly losing my will to fight this, and Ed is hurriedly taking over everything for me. Ed keeps getting stronger, and he's sucking the life right out of me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm shutting down. I can hardly even think straight. I know I need to FIGHT Ed... But a good 3/5 of me is happy going along with Ed- and the remaining 2/5 is just so tired of fighting, it wants to give up. It's ready to switch sides in an instant.

I can't fight this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. How am I supposed to fight Ed when he is so strong I can't even think for myself? Plus,I'm starting to think- why do I even WANT to fight? I am so scared of gaining weight.. and while I know it's not just about that, That really is like my biggest fear. I'm scared of recovering. Who will I be without Ed? Will I like me as just plain old me? I'm not so sure I want to find out. Ed makes me feel so secure. Ed takes care of my life for me, but leaves me in control. Or, at least leaves me FEELING in control. But which is better- Being technically 'in control' and feeling so out of control you can't imagine.. Or being out of control, but feeling safe and in control?

I don't want Ed to take over.. But I feel like he already has. I don't want to go back to the hospital AGAIN. I want to be okay. I'm so tired of wearing a mask of lies- always pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm a normal person.
You know what? I'M NOT. I'm not normal in any way, shape, or form. I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. And I am NOT okay. I'm so tired of hiding everything! I can't think straight, I'm dizzy, My stomach is constantly in agonizing pain, I can't concentrate, I don't have any energy left, my throat hurts so bad I can't even explain- I'm purging my freaking guts out and it just keeps going and going and going and I JUST CAN'T STOP. I need a break!



I don't want to go to the doctor. I was supposed to go to get weighed & vitals every two weeks, and to get an EKG and blood work done every month. Last time I saw him, we decided it wasn't necessary for me to come in so often, so we decided to just come in once a month for all four. It's been a month. I am supposed to see him tomorrow (Monday). This is the first time it has been a month instead of two weeks. I'm thinking about just skipping out on it. Stupid doctors. They don't realize that I have small bones, so my weight is actually way too high for me already. My whole family is skinny, I'm the only chubby one. This is ridiculous. My 24 year old sister weighs NINE effing lbs less than I do. EFF. I want to swear I'm so mad. Well, I guess mad wouldn't be the appropriate term.. I am disappointed in myself. I am PISSED at myself. I am so gross!

I want to scream, and if my throat and head didn't hurt so dang bad, I would.
STUPID ED.
I HATE THIS.
I hate ME.
I need help.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Parade

Today has been an exhausting day.. and it's only 1:00! I'm POOPED!This morning it was my assignment to wake up everyone. In CASE you didn't notice, it's a weekend. That means more chillun' ('children', kids, siblings, kin.. whatever you call them..) in the house!
That is correct, MORE chillun'. Every other weekend, we have:
Glenn(22?), Scott(21), Me(18), Andrew(18), James(17), Victoria(16), Elisabeth(13..tomorrow!), Nicholas(12), Summer(10), Faith Anne(9), and Forrest(5)
..And, of course, Mom(46) and Gary(old). (Whew!)
I promise you, this is no easy task. NO ONE wants to wake up at 7:00AM in the middle of the summer.
After that, we all had to get ready to go to the American Fork Parade.. or, as the Bakers call it, the "CANDY Parade!".


We all piled in the suburban and were on our way. five minutes and 103 degrees later, we remembered why we hardly use the suburban. Here are the top ten reasons!:
1. The cooler/air conditioning.. well, there isn't one.
2. The seats are torn up, giving children access to yellow fuzzy stuffing for throwing.
3.IT SMELLS.
4.The clock is broken, as well as the radio.
5. It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to drive/steer.
6. Half of the seat belts don't work.
7. One word: GAS.
8.There is no key. (at ALL)
9. Everything is sticky from a soda can explosion a few months ago.
10. We have to use a screwdriver to start the car.

As if thats not enough, there are not quite enough seats.

45 minutes later, we arrived at our destination.. Only to realize we are a full 45 minutes EARLY.
So we sat in the sun on the sidewalk for another hour, until it started (yes, it started late... don't they all?)
The parade was very slow moving, but still enjoyable. There were like four or five bands playing, along with their drill teams, cheerleaders, and "twisters" as they so called themselves.



Victoria was in the best one- American Fork High School Marching Band, that is. They number one in state! :)
She is one of the lovely trumpet players.
Of course (and all too conveniently) the AFHS Marching Band was the last band.. lol
But the chillun sure got a lot of candy at least!

I suppose that's why they call it the CANDY Parade... haha



And they gave me some! mmm.....
We left American Fork with two fewer people than we went with. Phew! Byebye Scott and Forrest- They stayed home with their mom this time. We then asked EVERYONE to please USE THE RESTROOM before we leave, as there will be no stops.
After about five minutes of driving, we realized that we still had their foldable chairs in the back... So we had to head right back again.
Ten minutes later, we are on the road again!
Only THIS time it smells even nicer. We have a billion sweaty children and teenagers in the car, squished together. YUM.
We finally think all is well and good, when we hear Elisabeth yell
"I have to go PPPEEEEEEEE!"

..Lovely.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Scared


I'm scared to let go
Yet scared to hang on
I'm scared to be here
But scared to to be gone
I'm scared to feel
I'm scared to not
I'm scared to be still
And scared to walk

I'm scared of tomorrow
I'm scared of today
I'm scared of losing yesterday

I'm scared to fail
Yet scared to succeed
I'm scared to starve
But more scared to eat
I'm scared to live
I'm scared to die
I'm scared to fall
And scared to fly

I'm scared to be normal
Yet scared to be unique
I'm scared to fight
But scared to sink
I'm scared to doubt
I'm scared to believe
I'm scared to change
I'm scared to be me.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Fourth of July

So,
Yesterday was a VERY eventful and exciting day!
I woke up in the morning and had the house to myself, as the family had all gone on a hike (I was feeling sick the night before, so they didn't want to wake me). It was quite enjoyable.

When they got back, we hung out for a bit, then I retreated to the loft for a bit, leaving my cell phone on the table. When I went back in to the house, I found that my cell phone was no longer on the table.
...or anywhere else, for that matter. I looked for a couple of hours, but to no avail.

After I gave up searching for a while, Leelou (my big sister, who was in town from Cali.) and I decided to attempt to make an album cover for our band, 'Aspen'. ..Oh, yes- We are a band now. Awesome possum, I know. So, we did that for like an hour..or three...
We got Elisabeth (our little sister) to take the photos. She is now our official photographer/videoagrapher
(sp?).
Then we recorded one of our songs, ..okay, our only song.. (for now), 'Blank Paper', ..terribly. Oh, well. We are definitely too lazy to re-record it. :P
We then proceeded to create a myspace music profile. Again, awesome possum, I know. :)

When Faith realized that the three of us were doing something together and she wasn't, She was noticeably upset.
Plus, even if it wasn't noticeable, she informed us of her frustration.
Needless to say, she is our designing consultant. She has good taste, anyway. :)

I proceeded to put some of the pictures we liked on the computer, Facebook, and Myspace, while Leelou got some much needed rest.
When I finished, I continued the search for my cellular device. I even dumped out EVERY trash can and searched through the nasties, as my family is well known to pull pranks on each other.. and often forget they even did it... And trust me, digging through the trash was NO laughing matter.. especially when it came to the bathroom trash! I men, Gag! That was the most DISGUSTING thing I have experienced in YEARS!
..And I STILL did not find my cell phone. Needless to say, I was getting PRETTY pissed.
...And pissed is an understatement.

We tried to wait around for James, Andrew, and Glenn to get back home for the fireworks.. but we are just an impatient family! I went inside and called them as mom and the girls started outside- luckily, they said it was fine to start without them.
We DID start.. but then, so did the fireworks show, just a few blocks north west of our house.
We put our wimpy fireworks on hold, and headed to the roof to watch.
Well, most of us, anyway. I missed most of it, searching for my phone, again (I didn't want the battery to die before I found it, or it'd be twice as hard to find).
After the 'grand finale', we noticed the sky LIT up, glowing a BRIGHT orange.
We then got a call from my brothers.
"We were ALMOST home, when we noticed the sky glowing. Then, out of nowhere, we are suddenly driving by this HUGE fire! We HAD to stop! You guys gotta get over here! It's awesome!"
We were all VERY psyched by this point, and piled in the car.
We drove for a whole of about one minute before we could see the blazing fire. Awesome Possum!! It was AMAZING!! We stood there on Glenn's car and watched for about half an hour, before the fire had burned so far east it was now behind the trees. We walked to the edge of the highway to see it better.. when *BAM!!*
No, our heads didn't explode from excitement!

Car crash! RIGHT in front of us! They weren't paying attention to the road, as they we obviously entranced by the fire.
Not sure if anyone was hurt.. but I know there was a baby in one of the cars :( How scary!

We continued to the edge of the freeway (or highway? IDK.) and watched the fire for another good hour or two, before the cops told us to leave for about the billionth time.. but seemed serious this time.
So, we left. We walked all the way back to the car (which seemed like forever, as I was in heels the entire time), and I drove us all home.
Mom and Faith Anne left early to go to bed, but the rest of us stayed up in the front room talking when we got home. We all fell asleep in there (yes, all six of us) at about 2:30 AM. Leelou slept on top of me on the little love seat. ..Not the most comfortable night's sleep, I must say...
Leelou got up at four, though, as she had a plane to catch.
When I awoke this morning, She was gone, Glenn had left to work, Andrew had been dropped off back at Lorraine's, James was on his computer, Mom was at the store, beth was on her computer, and Faith was watching TV in the den.
Oh.. and I still can't find my cell phone.

What an eventful day.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Recovery Reasons

Why do I want to recover? I find myself fighting with wanting recovery & not EVERY day- and I want to put an end to it! I DO want recovery!! Why? I made myself a list, so I can look at it whenever I need to- and NOT pertaining to doing it for others. I'm not doing it for others.. I'm doing it for MYSELF.

MY reasons for recovery:

1. So I can love myself
2. So I can be able to play basketball without feeling faint
3. So I can be happy!
4. So I will NEVER have to lie again!
5. So I have more energy!
6. So I can be a better coach for my kids!
7. So I can go out with my friends, party & eat, and feel only JOY from it!
8. So I can love others more fully.
9. So I can play my Cello without getting tired!
10. So I can ACT in theater, and not get dizzy!
11. So the pain really CAN end!
12. So I can LIVE LIFE!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

"Woe is LIFE"

"Woe is me."
My unwanted, yet so familiar, phrase of the day.
'Woe is me."..
What terrible way to look at life.
Thinking about it, I guess 'Woe is LIFE' would be a more appropriate phrase for me. I don't feel like it 'sucks to be me' (for lack of better termiage), it's more of a 'LIFE sucks.' I suppose everyone has those days, though.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Mystical Abyss we call "LIFE"

I am eighteen. An "adult". Finished with High School. Out of Young Womens, to be placed with the ladies of Relief Society. Oh, how I will miss Young Womens. And my leaders! They are so amazing, they have helped me through SO much, I can't even express their phenomenality!

I am planning to start college soon.
I want to be a music therapist. That is my eventual goal; My career of choice.
But.. can I handle it?
Will I actually go through with it? Or will I give up.. will I fail, like I seem to do so well, in every situation I am faced with, every obstacle I come to.. I sometimes wish THAT could be a profession. I am REALLY good at being a failure! I bet you couldn't find anyone better. But, then again, I would probably fail at that, too. Is it possible to be such a failure that you actually fail at being a failure? If it is, I bet you I could do it.
But I digress..
I truly do want to be a music therapist- with every ounce of my heart, I do. More than anything...
But then I wonder.. Am I good enough? Will I EVER be good enough? I suppose not. I always seem to fall just an inch short of even okay.
I will do my best. That's all I CAN do... But I'm still so scared I'm just not enough..

I realize I have been forced into a new phase of life. I am suddenly an adult.. a college student.. a woman of the Relief Society.. an independent individual.
There are so many choices I must make, so many paths I can take.. I am so overwhelmed and confused.. I just don't know..
Where do I go? What should I do? What choices will I make? Which one is the RIGHT? What is OF my life now? Where AM I? Where SHOULD I be? Who will I become? .. More importantly.. WHO AM I??
I just don't know right now...

Monday, June 9, 2008

Strength

The strength to rise from the pain,
To continue at all cost,
The strength to prolong all the shame,
Knowing that you've lost,
The strength to smile, when all you feel is anger,
To substitute bad days, for the best ones you can remember
The strength to say 'I'm lost’, when pride has blocked your sight,
To say 'please love me', though you've never done it right,
The strength to say you love them, knowing there may be no reply,
To stay by their side at times, when all they do is cry
The strength to try again, after many times of failing,
To finally open up after many years of waiting,
The strength to fall in love, though sacrificing your heart,
To keep a loved one close while knowing you've grown apart,
The strength to say ' I love you' when all else has gone wrong,
To keep on waiting for that something... Regardless of how long.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Nothing but a Dream

Dancing in the rain
Feeling the cold drops on my face
Washing all the pain and hurt and sadness away
Filling me with a new strength and a new peace
A sense of calm and tranquility among the thunder
Washing away the tears of sadness

Big drops of rain
Falling onto my upturned face
The beauty and strength of the storm
Rush through me
Making me believe
In charity,
In hope..
In myself
Making me believe
That one day
The sun will come out
And this will be
Nothing but a dream.

Dear God..

Dear God,
Sometimes I wonder if you still hear me, If I'm still important, if my prayers are even heard, because... well... God, I do things that hurt me. I do things that I know are not your will,-and yet, I still do them.
Today I feel lonely, Lord. I feel like hiding. How can I hurt so much and yet feel so numb? God, these tears running down my face are real. I AM REAL. I am NOT just an eating disorder! I am a real person, and I really need you,-and so do so many others out there. Please, remind us, that we are your children, that we are God's delight!!! Please wrap us in a blanket of love and cradle us tight. Please reveal the beauty in each of us, to OURSELVES. Please show us how to love ourselves the way we know others love us. Teach us God- we really do want to learn.
And, in the meantime, please let each girl know, that all the way up in heaven, there's a father who's loving her, even when she can't love herself.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Newspaper Writings

Hope for Mary Lynn: a cello and a scholarship


CAPTION:
The Granite Education Foundation presented Cyprus High student Mary Lynn Bennett with a cello last week, giving her hope for a career as a music therapist. Left to right: Principal John Welburn, GEF Executive Director Scott Whipple, Mary Lynn Bennett, Cyprus Instrumental Music Director John McCallister.



By Colin B. Douglas
News Editor

"It gives me hope," Mary Lynn Bennett said.

Last Thursday, Scott Whipple, executive director of the Granite Education Foundation, presented Mary Lynn with a cello at the Cyprus High School office.

Mary Lynn, daughter of Sheri and Stephen Bennett, moved to Magna with her mother and five of her siblings about ten years ago. She started on the cello in fifth grade, at Magna Elementary School. Private lessons were beyond her family's means, but with musically inclined father, She picked up music easily. With instruction from her elementary school teachers and later from junior high teacher, she achieved a degree of proficiency that got her a place in the Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra in only the ninth grade.

Meanwhile, she also learned drums, Irish penny whistle, piano, Bassoon, xylophone/bells, Bass, and Violin.

"I enrolled in orchestra at Cyprus as a sophomore, but I have been unable to since then," she said. "I've always rented school instruments, but there haven't always been enough cellos to go around, now."

Mary Lynn is planning on going to school to be a music therapist.

"This gives me hope," she said. "I didn't have the means to afford such an instrument, and it can really help me on my way to becoming a music therapist."

Whipple said that the GEF is also giving Mary Lynn a scholarship to get her started at SLCC.

Whipple explained that the GEF gives scholarships to give a chance to worthy students, recommended by school officials, who otherwise would not have such an opportunity.

"The GEF consists of 33 board member who focus on helping kids and teachers in the classroom," Whipple said.

The GEF is funded by private donations and fund raising activities, including auctions.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Memories of Childhood..

I can feel the rain
Gently sprinkling on my face
The rain is calm and peaceful
I take a deep breath
..And inhale memories of childhood
..Playing in the rain
Splashing in every puddle
..The faint scent of wet rocks..
I would hold them in my hands
And savor that blessed smell

I wiggle my nose, in an attempt to keep ii warm
Brrr... I love the cold

I start to slowly twirl
My arms, reaching out
I tilt back my head
And stick out my tongue
I want to catch the rain
..Feel that familiar coolness on my tongue

I laugh, as I fall back, into the grass
I stare up at the sky..
I see a dragon
Floating on his way...
A dog.. Barking from the heavens

I can see one big cloud,
Brighter than all the rest
Lit up, by the hiding sun
I look at it for a moment, and think..
"I imagine that is heaven.."
I wonder what it's like..
Maybe that was Jesus' dog, barking...
I hope he's a nice dog..

I suddenly realize I'm laying...
...In a puddle of mud.
This makes me smile.
I feel all "Gooey".. and happy.
The thick mud slowly slips through my fingers,
As I begin to coat my feet with it..
They look like Indian feet, now..

I reach for more mud..
And smear thick stripes on my face
I find a dandelion
and place it behind my ear.
I am an Indian princess..
..My long hair, flowing in the wind..
I feel like the most beautiful girl
In the world.
I don't care what anyone else says..
I will be who I WISH to be..
...And as I sit and think..
I realize that I wish..
To be none other than
ME.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

He believes

I shiver, as I pull blankets up to my nose.
It's been the same every night for years
I have "goosebumps" from head to toe
..Yet I am not in the cold
..I am in..
fear.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...

I guess I was WRONG.

It drives me to think things I normally wouldn't,
It wants me to do things I know that I shouldn't...
It changes who I am,
Alters personality
It drives me to hate the one person
who can truly stop this thinking..
ME.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...

I guess I was WRONG.

I now live in fear, every day and each night
I feel I'm going to lose this fight..
If it's a battle of willpower,
COUNT ME OUT.
I'm losing it now
I just want to SHOUT!

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...

I guess I was WRONG.

In the depths of despair
I remember a song..
"Walk tall, You're a daughter.."
.. I know where I belong.

He believes I can do this
He believes I am strong
He believes I can make it...

..But can God be WRONG?

Whether win or lose,
I'll still try my best
I'll give it my all;
& let God do the rest.

I think I can do this
I think I am strong
I think I can make it...

But I could be WRONG.

Each day, Every second
is a gift from above
If I reach up my hand,
I can grasp his love.

I think I can do this
I think that I'm strong
I THINK I can make it...

..But I could be WRONG.

Together we fight
Until only WE stand
I know I CAN recover
If I just reach up my hand.

I believe I can do this
I BELIEVE I am strong
I believe I can make it...

...I could always be WRONG...

He tells me I can do this
Gently lifts up my head
And now I remember
The blood that he shed.

I know I can do this.
I know I am strong.
I know I can make it

..because God's NEVER WRONG.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Going Home

Somewhere ....in my time and space
I find that I recall a place,
That comes to me,...by night or day
From a place so far away,
You can embrace this destiny
Which will find you,..as it found me
There is such a comforting force,
When taken through this special course,
To find that you have reached the place
Where you can meet.... face to face,
By returning to.. from where you came
Remembering this face... and name,
To find this peace,.....this road well trod
You know that you're,...a child of God
This place from which you will not roam,
You'll find,.. as you are.. going home.