Make it stop

I don't know what to do. Right now I want to cry. I want to throw my hands up in the air and just yell 'I'M DONE. I give up.' I can't do this anymore! I just can't. I'm not strong enough, and Ed is TOO strong. I'm quickly losing my will to fight this, and Ed is hurriedly taking over everything for me. Ed keeps getting stronger, and he's sucking the life right out of me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm shutting down. I can hardly even think straight. I know I need to FIGHT Ed... But a good 3/5 of me is happy going along with Ed- and the remaining 2/5 is just so tired of fighting, it wants to give up. It's ready to switch sides in an instant.

I can't fight this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. How am I supposed to fight Ed when he is so strong I can't even think for myself? Plus,I'm starting to think- why do I even WANT to fight? I am so scared of gaining weight.. and while I know it's not just about that, That really is like my biggest fear. I'm scared of recovering. Who will I be without Ed? Will I like me as just plain old me? I'm not so sure I want to find out. Ed makes me feel so secure. Ed takes care of my life for me, but leaves me in control. Or, at least leaves me FEELING in control. But which is better- Being technically 'in control' and feeling so out of control you can't imagine.. Or being out of control, but feeling safe and in control?

I don't want Ed to take over.. But I feel like he already has. I don't want to go back to the hospital AGAIN. I want to be okay. I'm so tired of wearing a mask of lies- always pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm a normal person.
You know what? I'M NOT. I'm not normal in any way, shape, or form. I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. And I am NOT okay. I'm so tired of hiding everything! I can't think straight, I'm dizzy, My stomach is constantly in agonizing pain, I can't concentrate, I don't have any energy left, my throat hurts so bad I can't even explain- I'm purging my freaking guts out and it just keeps going and going and going and I JUST CAN'T STOP. I need a break!



I don't want to go to the doctor. I was supposed to go to get weighed & vitals every two weeks, and to get an EKG and blood work done every month. Last time I saw him, we decided it wasn't necessary for me to come in so often, so we decided to just come in once a month for all four. It's been a month. I am supposed to see him tomorrow (Monday). This is the first time it has been a month instead of two weeks. I'm thinking about just skipping out on it. Stupid doctors. They don't realize that I have small bones, so my weight is actually way too high for me already. My whole family is skinny, I'm the only chubby one. This is ridiculous. My 24 year old sister weighs NINE effing lbs less than I do. EFF. I want to swear I'm so mad. Well, I guess mad wouldn't be the appropriate term.. I am disappointed in myself. I am PISSED at myself. I am so gross!

I want to scream, and if my throat and head didn't hurt so dang bad, I would.
STUPID ED.
I HATE THIS.
I hate ME.
I need help.