Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hide and seek

I was never good at hide and seek, because I'd always make so much noise my friends would be sure to find me. I don't have anyone to play those games with any more, but now and then I make enough noise to be found, because I'm still looking for myself.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Bits of sunshine, rays of hope

These are some of my favorites. They give me the hope to keep going, day after day. :) My hope is that they might give you a sense of hope, too. <3

"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

D&C 18:10

"Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"
Matt 7:7

"Ye are the light of the world! A city that is put on a hill can not be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto ALL that are in the house.
Let YOUR light so shine before men, that others may see your good works, and glorify your father which is in heaven."
Matt 5:14-16

"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
Matt 21:22

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for their is the kingdom of heaven. ...
.. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven."
Matt 5:3-10, 12

Luke 1:37

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Make it stop

I don't know what to do. Right now I want to cry. I want to throw my hands up in the air and just yell 'I'M DONE. I give up.' I can't do this anymore! I just can't. I'm not strong enough, and Ed is TOO strong. I'm quickly losing my will to fight this, and Ed is hurriedly taking over everything for me. Ed keeps getting stronger, and he's sucking the life right out of me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm shutting down. I can hardly even think straight. I know I need to FIGHT Ed... But a good 3/5 of me is happy going along with Ed- and the remaining 2/5 is just so tired of fighting, it wants to give up. It's ready to switch sides in an instant.

I can't fight this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. How am I supposed to fight Ed when he is so strong I can't even think for myself? Plus,I'm starting to think- why do I even WANT to fight? I am so scared of gaining weight.. and while I know it's not just about that, That really is like my biggest fear. I'm scared of recovering. Who will I be without Ed? Will I like me as just plain old me? I'm not so sure I want to find out. Ed makes me feel so secure. Ed takes care of my life for me, but leaves me in control. Or, at least leaves me FEELING in control. But which is better- Being technically 'in control' and feeling so out of control you can't imagine.. Or being out of control, but feeling safe and in control?

I don't want Ed to take over.. But I feel like he already has. I don't want to go back to the hospital AGAIN. I want to be okay. I'm so tired of wearing a mask of lies- always pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm a normal person.
You know what? I'M NOT. I'm not normal in any way, shape, or form. I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. And I am NOT okay. I'm so tired of hiding everything! I can't think straight, I'm dizzy, My stomach is constantly in agonizing pain, I can't concentrate, I don't have any energy left, my throat hurts so bad I can't even explain- I'm purging my freaking guts out and it just keeps going and going and going and I JUST CAN'T STOP. I need a break!

I don't want to go to the doctor. I was supposed to go to get weighed & vitals every two weeks, and to get an EKG and blood work done every month. Last time I saw him, we decided it wasn't necessary for me to come in so often, so we decided to just come in once a month for all four. It's been a month. I am supposed to see him tomorrow (Monday). This is the first time it has been a month instead of two weeks. I'm thinking about just skipping out on it. Stupid doctors. They don't realize that I have small bones, so my weight is actually way too high for me already. My whole family is skinny, I'm the only chubby one. This is ridiculous. My 24 year old sister weighs NINE effing lbs less than I do. EFF. I want to swear I'm so mad. Well, I guess mad wouldn't be the appropriate term.. I am disappointed in myself. I am PISSED at myself. I am so gross!

I want to scream, and if my throat and head didn't hurt so dang bad, I would.
I hate ME.
I need help.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Parade

Today has been an exhausting day.. and it's only 1:00! I'm POOPED!This morning it was my assignment to wake up everyone. In CASE you didn't notice, it's a weekend. That means more chillun' ('children', kids, siblings, kin.. whatever you call them..) in the house!
That is correct, MORE chillun'. Every other weekend, we have:
Glenn(22?), Scott(21), Me(18), Andrew(18), James(17), Victoria(16), Elisabeth(13..tomorrow!), Nicholas(12), Summer(10), Faith Anne(9), and Forrest(5)
..And, of course, Mom(46) and Gary(old). (Whew!)
I promise you, this is no easy task. NO ONE wants to wake up at 7:00AM in the middle of the summer.
After that, we all had to get ready to go to the American Fork Parade.. or, as the Bakers call it, the "CANDY Parade!".

We all piled in the suburban and were on our way. five minutes and 103 degrees later, we remembered why we hardly use the suburban. Here are the top ten reasons!:
1. The cooler/air conditioning.. well, there isn't one.
2. The seats are torn up, giving children access to yellow fuzzy stuffing for throwing.
4.The clock is broken, as well as the radio.
5. It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to drive/steer.
6. Half of the seat belts don't work.
7. One word: GAS.
8.There is no key. (at ALL)
9. Everything is sticky from a soda can explosion a few months ago.
10. We have to use a screwdriver to start the car.

As if thats not enough, there are not quite enough seats.

45 minutes later, we arrived at our destination.. Only to realize we are a full 45 minutes EARLY.
So we sat in the sun on the sidewalk for another hour, until it started (yes, it started late... don't they all?)
The parade was very slow moving, but still enjoyable. There were like four or five bands playing, along with their drill teams, cheerleaders, and "twisters" as they so called themselves.

Victoria was in the best one- American Fork High School Marching Band, that is. They number one in state! :)
She is one of the lovely trumpet players.
Of course (and all too conveniently) the AFHS Marching Band was the last band.. lol
But the chillun sure got a lot of candy at least!

I suppose that's why they call it the CANDY Parade... haha

And they gave me some! mmm.....
We left American Fork with two fewer people than we went with. Phew! Byebye Scott and Forrest- They stayed home with their mom this time. We then asked EVERYONE to please USE THE RESTROOM before we leave, as there will be no stops.
After about five minutes of driving, we realized that we still had their foldable chairs in the back... So we had to head right back again.
Ten minutes later, we are on the road again!
Only THIS time it smells even nicer. We have a billion sweaty children and teenagers in the car, squished together. YUM.
We finally think all is well and good, when we hear Elisabeth yell
"I have to go PPPEEEEEEEE!"


Friday, July 11, 2008


I'm scared to let go
Yet scared to hang on
I'm scared to be here
But scared to to be gone
I'm scared to feel
I'm scared to not
I'm scared to be still
And scared to walk

I'm scared of tomorrow
I'm scared of today
I'm scared of losing yesterday

I'm scared to fail
Yet scared to succeed
I'm scared to starve
But more scared to eat
I'm scared to live
I'm scared to die
I'm scared to fall
And scared to fly

I'm scared to be normal
Yet scared to be unique
I'm scared to fight
But scared to sink
I'm scared to doubt
I'm scared to believe
I'm scared to change
I'm scared to be me.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Fourth of July

Yesterday was a VERY eventful and exciting day!
I woke up in the morning and had the house to myself, as the family had all gone on a hike (I was feeling sick the night before, so they didn't want to wake me). It was quite enjoyable.

When they got back, we hung out for a bit, then I retreated to the loft for a bit, leaving my cell phone on the table. When I went back in to the house, I found that my cell phone was no longer on the table.
...or anywhere else, for that matter. I looked for a couple of hours, but to no avail.

After I gave up searching for a while, Leelou (my big sister, who was in town from Cali.) and I decided to attempt to make an album cover for our band, 'Aspen'. ..Oh, yes- We are a band now. Awesome possum, I know. So, we did that for like an hour..or three...
We got Elisabeth (our little sister) to take the photos. She is now our official photographer/videoagrapher
Then we recorded one of our songs, ..okay, our only song.. (for now), 'Blank Paper', ..terribly. Oh, well. We are definitely too lazy to re-record it. :P
We then proceeded to create a myspace music profile. Again, awesome possum, I know. :)

When Faith realized that the three of us were doing something together and she wasn't, She was noticeably upset.
Plus, even if it wasn't noticeable, she informed us of her frustration.
Needless to say, she is our designing consultant. She has good taste, anyway. :)

I proceeded to put some of the pictures we liked on the computer, Facebook, and Myspace, while Leelou got some much needed rest.
When I finished, I continued the search for my cellular device. I even dumped out EVERY trash can and searched through the nasties, as my family is well known to pull pranks on each other.. and often forget they even did it... And trust me, digging through the trash was NO laughing matter.. especially when it came to the bathroom trash! I men, Gag! That was the most DISGUSTING thing I have experienced in YEARS!
..And I STILL did not find my cell phone. Needless to say, I was getting PRETTY pissed.
...And pissed is an understatement.

We tried to wait around for James, Andrew, and Glenn to get back home for the fireworks.. but we are just an impatient family! I went inside and called them as mom and the girls started outside- luckily, they said it was fine to start without them.
We DID start.. but then, so did the fireworks show, just a few blocks north west of our house.
We put our wimpy fireworks on hold, and headed to the roof to watch.
Well, most of us, anyway. I missed most of it, searching for my phone, again (I didn't want the battery to die before I found it, or it'd be twice as hard to find).
After the 'grand finale', we noticed the sky LIT up, glowing a BRIGHT orange.
We then got a call from my brothers.
"We were ALMOST home, when we noticed the sky glowing. Then, out of nowhere, we are suddenly driving by this HUGE fire! We HAD to stop! You guys gotta get over here! It's awesome!"
We were all VERY psyched by this point, and piled in the car.
We drove for a whole of about one minute before we could see the blazing fire. Awesome Possum!! It was AMAZING!! We stood there on Glenn's car and watched for about half an hour, before the fire had burned so far east it was now behind the trees. We walked to the edge of the highway to see it better.. when *BAM!!*
No, our heads didn't explode from excitement!

Car crash! RIGHT in front of us! They weren't paying attention to the road, as they we obviously entranced by the fire.
Not sure if anyone was hurt.. but I know there was a baby in one of the cars :( How scary!

We continued to the edge of the freeway (or highway? IDK.) and watched the fire for another good hour or two, before the cops told us to leave for about the billionth time.. but seemed serious this time.
So, we left. We walked all the way back to the car (which seemed like forever, as I was in heels the entire time), and I drove us all home.
Mom and Faith Anne left early to go to bed, but the rest of us stayed up in the front room talking when we got home. We all fell asleep in there (yes, all six of us) at about 2:30 AM. Leelou slept on top of me on the little love seat. ..Not the most comfortable night's sleep, I must say...
Leelou got up at four, though, as she had a plane to catch.
When I awoke this morning, She was gone, Glenn had left to work, Andrew had been dropped off back at Lorraine's, James was on his computer, Mom was at the store, beth was on her computer, and Faith was watching TV in the den.
Oh.. and I still can't find my cell phone.

What an eventful day.