Wednesday, November 2, 2011

One last goodbye

  As some of you may know, my friend Emily passed away recently. She was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.

  I didn't see it coming. None of us did. She seemed so happy and healthy. Then she was gone. She took her own life, and no one even saw how badly she was hurting.

I wish I did.

  Why does God take people away so quickly? You blink your eyes, and suddenly they're gone. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel as if it's a cruel game God loves to play. And even though I know that's not true, a part of me still wonders. Why would he take someone when their life is still just beginning? I mean, she was 23. She never even got a chance to really start her life. She had so much going on for her, such a bright future it was almost blinding. Her life was taken so quickly.. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

  I just don't understand.. I know, no one does, blah blah.. I wish we could, though. I feel as if it's like we're in a maze, trying to find our way.. and then something so big happens so quickly, and it's like we're all just plucked up and put somewhere else in the maze, blindfolded and spinning. Left to start all over again. We lose our way. We are left dumbfounded.
I just don't know what to think, what to do. I seem to be  feeling just about every emotion there IS, I just don't know what to do with it all.

  She died because she killed herself.. So what happens to her? Where does she go?
She was SUCH a good person. Always so kind to EVERYONE, loving, generous, funny.. Really, a great person all around.

  So does she just fall through the cracks? After all, suicide is a sin.. right?
I suppose, though, that there are no cracks in God's plan. That would make it less than perfect. God does not make flaws, God does not make mistakes. Yet I'm still left wondering..

  "Everyone goes when they are ready". I've heard this said before, many a time... but how can a 23 year old be ready to finish her life? How can someone, anyone, be truly READY to die?

  A very intelligent woman told me this once: "We mourn mostly for ourselves, because of the loss we have felt."
  I guess that's true. Mostly, at least.
We don't mourn for them so much as we'd like to think, do we?
We know they are in a better place. We know they are going to be okay (or we hope, at least). We just don't want to lose them, I guess. We miss them. We wish they could have had all the greatness and success in life we knew they could have had. We wish we could have seen them mature more & more, change, become a parent perhaps.. experience LIFE.
But truly, this is no longer possible. All we are doing is filling ourselves with the empty hope of what could have been.

  I think a lot of it is that we are somewhat forced to face our own mortality. We are left with questions, some that truly only God himself can answer. It makes us feel sad because we know that EVERYONE must leave this earth and go into the unknown.
THAT is scary.

  More than anything though... I really just miss her. I want her back. I know it sounds selfish, but really, I just don't care. I just wish I could have at least said goodbye.

  Is it so bad to want someone back? Because I do, with all my heart. I miss her so much. I know she is in a better place, but I just want to hold he in my arms and hug her one last time, if only for a moment.

 Just one last goodbye.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Emily Elizabeth Roe

A few weeks ago, I lost a dear friend of mine. Her name was Emily Elizabeth Roe.  I miss her so much. She had such a beautiful spirit.. She would walk in the room, and you couldn't help but smile for her.. And now she's gone. She took her own life.

Why would she do that???  I would have been there for her, I would have stayed up all night and talked to her, I would have done ANYTHING for her, had I just known!  I feel guilty for not seeing what she was going through, and not being there for her when she needed someone most. I feel sadness for the loss of such a beautiful soul. I feel ANGER for her leaving us like that..
And toward God. He took her from us. She just turned 23. She was too young to die. It wasn't supposed to be her time! It all seems so unreal. How could she just be GONE like that? In one instant, her life was tragically lost. The life of a girl who deserved so much more than that.. The life of a girl who could have changed the world.

I can't pray to God without crying in both sadness and anger. I can say "Dear Heavenly Father.." but that's the furthest I can get without bursting in tears of sadness and anger. My soul feels so empty. I'm working hard to pretend to be who I usually am around others, but I feel like a part of me has died inside. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up from this knot in my stomach.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in the grief that's taken over.  I haven't slept in a week, other than a couple of hour-long naps. I've been having trouble eating.. I just don't want food, I don't feel like it. I went to my dietitian yesterday, and she said I lost almost 3 lbs since last Thursday. I was doing so well, but.. I just don't know. I'm stuck.

Emily Elizabeth Roe
June 1988- Sep 2011
"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
May you find solace in the arms of God, Em. You are missed greatly. You were, and will always be, loved. I wish I could have done something to help you see how important you were, not just to me, but to so many people. Rest in peace, sweet girl. Be free.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

First (& hopefully last) experience in a bar..

So I just walked 10 blocks at 1:30am in my pajamas and robe to get some people to stop with their obnoxious drumming. Turns out it wasn't just some stupid person who decided to play drums in the middle of the night, but a WHOLE BAR of stupid people blasting it in the middle of the night. It was some huge bar night at a golfing range, with music BLASTING, and drummers playing as loud as they possibly could.. Not even exaggerating. I swear when men are drunk they can play louder (not to mention WORSE) than otherwise possible.. UGH.

Needless to say, after speaking to a few gentlemen (who were upset I wasn't the stripper, but then pointed me in the right direction anyway) I walked to the main bar and kicked some butt. I went in and demand to speak to the persons in charge of the place. After they got him, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind. And after a short (but lively) debate, he made the drummers cut it out, since it was higher than he thought was legal anyway. I then had to walk the 10 blocks BACK to my house, still in my PJs of course. I got a lot of weird looks from some even weirder people, though a nice policeman stopped to see if I was alright (though I suspect he was actually checking if I was insane or not, walking about in my PJs on main street. I used my acting skills and pretended to be sane.. :P ).
I just google mapped that route. In all, I walked 2.6 miles. At 1:30am. In my PJs. Did I mention I'm sick? It hurts my throat just to swallow my own spit, so you can imagine what it was like to try to speak to those guys. Mr. Thermometer says I currently have a temp of 101.3. I mean, it's not TERRIBLY high, but it's not terribly low, either. My head hurts, and it's almost 3am now.. I think I'm heading back to bed now.
What an interesting night it's been.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


    Nov 4, 2009
-Inpatient at CFC-

I sit on the couch and ponder. I feel sad today, scared of what the future holds.
I'm uncertain of who I am, of what I need to survive.

Sometimes I'm okay, but more often I'm not.
Even though he's gone now,
the memories are stuck with me-
controlling my head, my thoughts, my life.
Do I know who I am anymore?
I've always been the girl with the smile, the girl joking around and laughing.
But none of it seems real now. I just feel like that scared little girl I see so clearly in my mind. I want to break free, I want to just be ME.
..But how is this possible when I'm in that fear?

I can't ever sleep at night. I'm afraid of the dreams that come. This is killing me. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've asked one too many times.

Monday, May 2, 2011


I'm in a writing mode. I think it's because I forgot to take my meds this morning, as I'm always so much more creative & expressive when I'm not on them. They're most definitely a necessity for me, but it's nice to let myself go every now and then, get it all out.
I'm sorry my thought are a bit scattered here. It's 5:00am, and I have yet to sleep. I couldn't.. My brain just wanted to erupt, so I'm finally just letting it.

Things are going pretty well right now.
It's hard for me to live in such a structured way, though. I'm too free spirited, I need to be running ad exploring the world. I need to express myself. I need to run wild until I can't anymore, then do it again. I'm not built for structure. But I handle it.

  When I'm not at work or anything, I just want to do anything and everything I can. It's kind of a catch 22, though.. Whatever that means.  I have such social anxiety, it's hard for me to get out unless I'm with someone else. I have yet to find someone who will chase the air with me, just because we can. And so I am trapped by my own fears. It's odd, actually. I don't really fear anything. I can do anything, I want to do EVERYTHING! Go bungee jumping, sky diving, mountain climbing.. None of these things make me feel afraid. Except.. People. Rejection. Isolation. Ridicule.
I'm not controlled by my mind- I'm controlled by my emotions.

  I was a really weird kid, I wasn't liked at all. I was home schooled at first, which was GREAT. I was way ahead of the class in most areas (other than math.. UGH). I loved being home-schooled, and it obviously taught me a LOT. However, it did not teach me social skills.

  I didn't know what was socially acceptable, and what wasn't.  I didn't understand that you were supposed to dress in a similar fashion as others. I didn't understand what was appropriate and what wasn't. I didn't understand that some things made people uncomfortable, it just didn't make sense.
I was so agonizingly scared & shy that I couldn't even raise my hand to talk to the teacher. I would walk up to her quietly and tug on her shirt a bit. I was awkward, and no one really liked me much. I never really fit in until high school. Because of this, my biggest fear is.. You guessed it. REJECTION. It's so hard for me. Even the slightest rejection makes me want to cry. It's a little annoying to me, actually.. Lol.

  I digress.

ANYway.. I have this strong urge to just blow this joint and escape the country for a while, though.. No particular reason, I just want to experience something else, something other than what I think as norm for me. It's really weird to have such a sudden strong urge! Not sure why I told you that, but I did.
Other than my odd 'cravings,' life is pretty good. I'm in love with the kids I work with- they're SO great! They make me so happy. :)
It's great to have kind co-workers as well! Well, mostly. There's one who is kind of rude to me when others aren't around or aren't really paying attention. Just little things, but she's quite belittling. I hate working with her, but you get what you get! The rest of them are awesome! Story of my life... Lol.

  I'm doing well with my ED. My dietitian is on maternity leave, so I guess I'm not sure if I'm doing well weight-wise, but I think I am. I'm going to see her.. This Saturday? Next? I'm forget. Sometime soon. I see my therapist about twice a month now. I simply don't need her as much. It's odd, really- but good. A year and a half ago, I was so bad that I had to see a dietitian once a week, an ED specialist Doctor once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist TWICE a week- though she wanted to get me in for three times a week. Now  I'm seeing my dietitian roughly 1-2x/mo, my therapist 1-2x/mo, my MD every other month if that, and my psychiatrist once every six months or so.
I never thought this possible.. Or at least not so soon. I've been struggling with this for so long.. 11 years, for heaven's sake! In & out of hospitals, not able to go to school, not even able to hold down a job.. My life taken over by this THING. Then along comes CFC. THREE MONTHS. That's it. That's how long it took to get me well on my way to recovery. That's what saved my life. Three. Freaking. Months.
It's just amazing how different I am now. How much healthier I am.. How much HAPPIER I am!
Life. Confusing? yes. Hard? hell yes. Frustrating- as much as it could be. And Good?
YES. Life is so good.

Remember that.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

DI Deals & Creativity!

Recently I've been hitting up DI, and lovin' it! I got the most adorable dress for like $6 the other day. I just HAVE to show it off!! Here we go..

The dress:

A closer look:

Being a cellist myself, I am absolutely in LOVE with this. It just screams MaryLynn!

A cute shirt I got for $3:

A closer look:
Cute, huh? I actually bought it for the material (reasons below), but was pleasantly surprised when I got home and realized it was my size. It was just meant to be! :)

  I've also decided to start making things! I'm getting plain shirts/onesies (I have a LOT of friends who are having babies soon), and making them super cute! Here are my first attempts at sewing/ making things on them.. They aren't perfect, but I'm just a beginner! You'll get over it. ;)

Sorry, I couldn't get this one rotated for the life of me! Even on iPhoto.. It would look like it was right, but kept uploading sideways! I finally just gave up on this one.

On this one I stitched the name of the little girl I made it for- Zoe. It was SO adorable, totally made the shirt. It was on the back, on the bottom right corner.. Sadly, I took this pic before finishing it, and forgot to take a pic of it finished.

Okay, so maybe none of my friends are having girls, but girl clothes are so cute! I couldn't resist. Someone's gotta have a little girl sometime!

For a woman at work who just had her little boy!

..And my favorite by a long shot, though simple as it may look (it wasn't).

Edit: My favorite one (above) was made for a baby my dietitian/friend was expecting..
Baby Cole Dee Addley was born March 29, 2011!
I suggested the name Cole.. She loved it! I totally named a baby. ;)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Life as of Lately

  Man, I have had so much anxiety lately! Life is the same as it's been for a while: Institute (When I get up in time!), Work (Which I LOVE!),  FHE @ church, or whatever I have planned for the evening, Home, eat, watch TV, Facebook, eat, and go to bed.. after 3 hours of surfing the web and filling my brain with all the knowledge I can.

  It's not like I have a big stressor in my life or anything.. I'm just stressed! Everything seems harder than it's been in the recent past.

  My Bishop stopped paying for therapy, group, and my dietitian at the end of January. I also just switched wards, so he couldn't help if he wanted to, as he is no longer my bishop. I think this is what's making it hard for me. I feel like I don't have any support, I feel lonely and a little betrayed. My therapist hasn't even bothered to email me and see how I'm doing. All of my old therapists would help me through it and help me find a way. I thought I had a close connection with Cheryl (therapist), but apparently not. I don't know what's going on with that.

  My dietitian did check up on me to see what was going on, so that helped.. Just knowing someone remembered about me and still wanted to help, even though I'm not currently paying her to. She's so great.. And she's 8 1/2 months preggo! She's awesome! I'm planning to see her next Thursday, even though it's super expensive. I realized my recovery and health are more important than my money. I really need help, so I'm so happy I can see her before she has her baby boy! ..That is, if he doesn't decide to pop out and make an arrival early! Hehe :)

  I'm struggling. It's hard for me to admit it, but I need to. It's hard for me to eat because of my high stress levels I think. Food just doesn't look appetizing at all to me. I know it's most likely psychological, but it's still a reality for me.. An annoying one, at that. I feel nauseous when I eat a lot of the time now. It's so difficult! I feel like I've been losing weight because of it, but I don't actually know. I hope not! I need to keep my weight up so I can be healthy, and therefore more happy!

  My boss pulled me aside the other day. She said she was concerned about me. She said I've been shaking (which I haven't noticed), I'm pale, I'm more spacey than usual, and I look like I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't realize you could tell at all, but she could. Estephanie (My boss) even talked to her boss (So my bosses boss, AKA the vice principal), because she (vice principal) said she'd noticed as well. The next day the pulled me aside into Jana(Vice principal)'s office, and spoke with me. They let me know they were concerned, and wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help me out, and how they could support me.

  Though there's really not much they can do, it really helped me to know there were people who cared, who were there to support me. I almost cried because I had been feeling so alone, and then someone cared. I'm kind of a crier, though. I try not to, but when I'm in a situation that's stressful, I get teary eyed from being so over-anxious. Ah, well.

  It's actually a bit easier now that I feel like there are people there to support me and help me if I need it. Tonight (Tues) I'm meeting with my bishop. I'm SUPER scared to do it, but I really need to talk to him about my situation and see if he can help out at all.

  I've been trying to go to a cheaper group @ LDS fam services on Wednesdays, but it's hard for me to part with the money I so badly need to pay off my debt! Again, I just keep telling myself that my well-being is more important than silly money.

  In other, unrelated news, I'm making cute clothes now! I just barely started, but I'm super excited. I'm hoping it will be a good outlet for relieving my stress! I'll put a picture up soon. It's adorable.

  Okay, the end.
 In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN! :P
 Hehe ;)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Did you know...

HAPPY NEDAW! In honor of this National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I've decided to post a few facts about EDs! Here we go..


  • It is estimated that 8 million Americans have eating disorders – seven million women and one million men
  • One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
  • Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
  • Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder (Note: One in five Americans suffers from mental illnesses.)
  • An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males
  • Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
  • A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
  • The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
  • 20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems
  • Only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment
  • About 80% of the girls/women who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery – they are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay
  • Treatment of an eating disorder in the US ranges from $500 per day to $2,000 per day. The average cost for a month of inpatient treatment is $30,000. It is estimated that individuals with eating disorders need anywhere from 3 – 6 months of inpatient care. Health insurance companies for several reasons do not typically cover the cost of treating eating disorders
  • The cost of outpatient treatment, including therapy and medical monitoring, can extend to $100,000 or more
  • Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents
  • 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
  • 50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight
  • 80% of 13-year-olds have attempted to lose weight
  • Rates of minorities with eating disorders are similar to those of white women
  • 74% of American Indian girls reported dieting and purging with diet pills
  • Essence magazine, in 1994, reported that 53.5% of their respondents, African-American females were at risk of an eating disorder
  • Eating disorders are one of the most common psychological problems facing young women in Japan.