Wednesday, November 2, 2011

One last goodbye

  As some of you may know, my friend Emily passed away recently. She was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.

  I didn't see it coming. None of us did. She seemed so happy and healthy. Then she was gone. She took her own life, and no one even saw how badly she was hurting.

I wish I did.

  Why does God take people away so quickly? You blink your eyes, and suddenly they're gone. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel as if it's a cruel game God loves to play. And even though I know that's not true, a part of me still wonders. Why would he take someone when their life is still just beginning? I mean, she was 23. She never even got a chance to really start her life. She had so much going on for her, such a bright future it was almost blinding. Her life was taken so quickly.. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

  I just don't understand.. I know, no one does, blah blah.. I wish we could, though. I feel as if it's like we're in a maze, trying to find our way.. and then something so big happens so quickly, and it's like we're all just plucked up and put somewhere else in the maze, blindfolded and spinning. Left to start all over again. We lose our way. We are left dumbfounded.
I just don't know what to think, what to do. I seem to be  feeling just about every emotion there IS, I just don't know what to do with it all.

  She died because she killed herself.. So what happens to her? Where does she go?
She was SUCH a good person. Always so kind to EVERYONE, loving, generous, funny.. Really, a great person all around.

  So does she just fall through the cracks? After all, suicide is a sin.. right?
I suppose, though, that there are no cracks in God's plan. That would make it less than perfect. God does not make flaws, God does not make mistakes. Yet I'm still left wondering..

  "Everyone goes when they are ready". I've heard this said before, many a time... but how can a 23 year old be ready to finish her life? How can someone, anyone, be truly READY to die?

  A very intelligent woman told me this once: "We mourn mostly for ourselves, because of the loss we have felt."
  I guess that's true. Mostly, at least.
We don't mourn for them so much as we'd like to think, do we?
We know they are in a better place. We know they are going to be okay (or we hope, at least). We just don't want to lose them, I guess. We miss them. We wish they could have had all the greatness and success in life we knew they could have had. We wish we could have seen them mature more & more, change, become a parent perhaps.. experience LIFE.
But truly, this is no longer possible. All we are doing is filling ourselves with the empty hope of what could have been.

  I think a lot of it is that we are somewhat forced to face our own mortality. We are left with questions, some that truly only God himself can answer. It makes us feel sad because we know that EVERYONE must leave this earth and go into the unknown.
THAT is scary.

  More than anything though... I really just miss her. I want her back. I know it sounds selfish, but really, I just don't care. I just wish I could have at least said goodbye.

  Is it so bad to want someone back? Because I do, with all my heart. I miss her so much. I know she is in a better place, but I just want to hold he in my arms and hug her one last time, if only for a moment.

 Just one last goodbye.


tifotontini said...

First I'd like to start off with this is the only blog I'ver ever seen besides my own and accidentally hit the next blog button but I'm very sorry for your loss, I've had several very close people to me die and its probably one of the hardest things in life to have to deal with. I know I'm not one of your friends or family like you'd need more but make sure to not numb yourself with alcohol or drugs, I've had some friends do this before and it never ever helps, and in the long run makes it harder to work threw your problems. Also never be afraid to feel your emotions, if you're out to dinner and something reminds you have her and need to cry then do it you don't need to apologize to anyone and you don't need to be politically correct right now in your life just feel what you feel and move through it. Also try not to look at the logic in situations like this because there never is and you'll never find a suitable answer to make everything alright I searched for such answers for half a decade but they just don't exist. I hope this helped even a little if not I'm sorry and I'll be praying that you can make it threw this and eventually move on.

Mary Lynn said...

Don't worry, I don't ever turn to drugs or alcohol. I'm more inclined to turn to my Eating Disorder.. But I'm doing a good job with it now, all things considered. I'm kinda proud of myself.. ;)

Angela E. Gambrel said...

I'm so sorry about your friend.


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jennifer said...

Hi, Mary, I just came across your blog the same way tifotonini did by pressing the "next blog" button.

I know its been a year since you posted about your friend, Emily, but I wanted to extend my sympathy. I know the hurt can last.

I don't know if this will be any comfort to you at all. I see that you believe in God. And I saw how you wondered about your friend, especially since she took her own life.

I think you can have confidence that she is at rest with Him. I personally believe that He loves Emily. God isn't up there with a check list waiting for us to mess up.

I hope you've been doing alright the past year. And here's hoping you can keep on moving forward.

Some people say "how can you love someone without knowing them," My feelings are, well, there are plenty of people out there that hate people they don't know, So, why is it hard to believe that you can love someone you've never met.

So, I'm sincere when I say,

with love,

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Anonymous said...

Sorry about your friend Emily. Reading this article may help heal your heart and spirit toward God.

Travis Goodsell said...

A touching article. Suicide is a condition of a mental illness - distorted thinking. My son Clayton battles with suicidal thinking. It was most likely triggered by his separation from me when he was just 2. But as a mental illness people are covered by the atonement of Jesus Christ and do indeed go to a better place. It is sad to miss what they would have accomplished had they failed in their attempt.