Sunday, May 23, 2010

Just Journaling.

I'm very tired and cold tonight. This past day was my four month anniversary from discharging from CFC- yay me! I've been working hard... And apparently not quite hard enough. 
 I know that.

   I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I'm doing just fine, and mostly believing it. Reality check, ML- you aren't going to make it at this rate. You need to step it up- you need to put in your all. This is the battle of my life- the battle FOR my life. This half-ass'd attempt just isn't going to do it.

   Today I went to see my ED specialist MD, Karly. She was not very happy. She says my weight is continuing to drop every week, and it's scaring her. She actually had to go ask another MD about it, because she was pretty worried.. Especially because I have my boot on from my ankle surgery, so that adds weight.. I hate that. I know I haven't been doing amazingly lately, but I was just so sure that my weight was stable at least. I'm actually not even having all that many ED thoughts, it's mainly just my will to eat. I sincerely do not like food. It tastes gross, the consistency and textures bother me.. It's just not something I think I'll ever really enjoy. I don't like it, I don't want it, and I don't remember it because of my lack of hunger signals. This sucks.

   In other news, there's an ED behavior that I really want to engage in.. But I'm not sure if it's really ''ED motivated,'' per say. I really want to purge recently. Why? Not to get the food out. Not so I can eat without feeling that twinge of guilt because I know I can reverse it.. I want to because I feel unpretty- in my face. I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but that's okay..- I've kind of fallen in love with myself- with my face. I've often felt just gorgeous because of my square-ish face, green eyes, and my smile. Seriously, I can admit that. The problem is, that I don't have my face shape anymore. The shape of my face is like the one thing that's held me together sometimes, or so it seems.. Now that I'm not throwing up for various hours every day (I actually haven't at ALL since CFC! Hazah!), my cheeks are no longer swollen. I no longer have that shape to my face- I no longer see the Mary Lynn I know in the mirror, I see an odd looking midget. Yep, that's me.

  Now, I understand that my self image can be pretty damn distorted sometimes, but I don't think this is one of those times. This time I know that I'm right, and I would feel more pretty if I could just start purging, again. I don't want to, I've been doing so well with that!! And I do want to; I want to feel good about myself. I'm so torn.

   In other news, I'm socially incompetent. Seriously, I've realized this recently. I don't know how to act in social situations, what to say, what things upset people, what's too much information, what's appropriate in the moment. I don't know what to do with myself, how I'm supposed to sit or stand, when I'm supposed to just listen and when I'm supposed to offer help. I don't know how direct to be. I constantly feel like I'm putting on this huge act, just trying to be acceptable and do things right. I try, and I fail- over and over. It's so frustrating for me, I just don't know how to be a good friend. It makes me so sad sometimes. I just want to learn how to be a ''normal'' person. Ggahhh! I just get too excited about everything and over do it.

   It's raining outside. I love rain, it's so calming, so serene. I need to move to ''Forks'' to get my rain kicks, I would fall in love with it. Probably.
I think it's time for me to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain, softly washing our beautiful Earth and nourishing the amazing plant life we are so blessed with.
 Goodnight, my friends. Sleep well.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Feelings are confusing

"Recovery feels like losing a best friend" 
I feel like that today. I'm doing SO much better, and I'm SO much more happy without my ED...
But I miss my old best friend, sometimes. Is it okay to miss that? Am I crazy?
I don't want it back. NO WAY! I just feel my heart aching tonight. Missing the friend I had for so many years, the one that got me through the tough times when I truly did need a friend to help me through. And while I do NOT want it back.. I miss my best friend. My Eating Disorder.

I'm crazy! I love being in recovery like no other! It's awesome, all the things I can do now, all the energy I have!! My body is amazing! I had two surgeries last week.. And guess what? My body is preforming a miracle, right before my eyes. It's healing itself. I, Mary Lynn, have to power to heal. THAT is really something. I know, it's one of those things that an "average" person would shrug off- "Healing? Yeah, that's what happens when you get hurt. Duh."

No. MY body has never really healed when I've gotten hurt, as your body needs nutrition and energy in order to do so.  Standing and looking at it, from my different point of view, it truly is a miracle. I had surgery. My body was CUT INTO. TWICE. That's kind of a big deal. And I can handle it. My body can handle it. I can preform miracles.

So why do I still feel like there's something missing in my life, like I just need that one old friend back, and I'll be complete? I'm happy for the most part.. But deep inside, a part of me- I don't even know how big that part of me is- feels lost and alone.
I feel like I've lost my best friend.

What happens now?

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Recovery is like a helium balloon.

First, you, your balloon of recovery, 
gets slowly filled up.
But instead of being filled of air,
You are filled with potential confidence,
and the tools you need
to be able to build self-love.. Your helium.
(Oh, and not to mention, food.) (;

You hold onto your balloon of recovery for dear life
As it begins to raise you into the air..
Your arms aren't strong enough.
You begin to lose your grip.
You slip, and fall to the ground. 
You relapse.
You try re-filling your balloon
It takes less time than before.
It still has some helium left in it.
A kick start,
A boost.
You begin floating up, again. 
This time you're prepared for a slip
..This time you've tied a knot to hang on to.

You stay in the air for a long time.
You start getting so tired
Your hands are sweaty
One slips.
Both slip.
You fall.
You relapse.

Third try.
You're getting the hang of it.
Again, youstart flying up.
Up, up, and away..

You are in the air for a very long time.
Longer than you thought possible.
You start to run low on helium.
You run low on all those things you were filled with.
You stop going up.
You've tried so hard
Prepared so much
Hung tightly on for so long..
And you fail.
You hold onto your balloon for a time
Staying right where you are.
No progression
Just heart ache at your fail
And confusion.

You notice you're moving, again.
You get excited.
And then you begin to fall.
How long will you fall for?
How far off the ground are you?
How much do you have to lose?
You don't know.

You soon realize there are other balloons
Floating upward, nearby.
You know what you have to do to stay up.

The question then is
Do you jump?
Do you have enough "fuel" to swing to the next balloon?
Do you have the confidence, self-love, and strength
To take a leap of faith?

If not, you fall back to the ground 
And start over.
You do not pass "Go".
You do not collect $200.

If you do have what it takes to jump..
You jump.
You take your leap of faith, and hope for the best..

You catch another balloon.
You balloon skip.
Until you reach the clouds-
Until you reach safety.
The point where you can finally say the word "recovered"
without feeling fear,
or shame.
That moment when you become independent 
and live your own life without therapists,
dietitians, doctors, and hospitals surrounding you, 
making your load feel heavier under all of the pressure
That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief 
And know that YOU have just won the battle.

..But not the war. 
You will inevitably slip
Through the safety of the clouds
At one point or another.
You will fall.
And if you can't catch a balloon on the way down,
You hit the ground.  

And it WILL take more than one balloon to reach the top.
And you WILL fall.
But not necessarily to the bottom.
Just enough to realize the difference between sick, stuck, recovering, and recovered.
Each balloon is filled with something different.
The first is filled with what was mentioned above.
But the ones after are filled of all different kinds of things. 
I couldn't tell you what they're all filled with,
Even if I wanted to. 
It depends upon which balloon you grasp
And how heavy the load you carry is.
Each balloon is a different color.
Each color is something different..
That's the excitement of balloon skipping.
You learn and gain new things with each balloon,
and you never know exactly what you'll be learning next
until you're there.

So, where am I at?
I know you're likely wondering..

I would give you an answer..
But I can't.
I suppose, if I have to say,
I am on a balloon pretty high up there
Grasping on to that balloon's frail string.

My balloon is most definitely running out of helium.
I'm losing my ground.
I'm very slowly getting further from the clouds
And slightly closer to the ground.

I need a balloon. I need someone, something,
To help me find one.
My glasses are foggy,
I can't make out the balloons
Floating right by me
Passing me by.
I don't care if I can see them.
I need one.
I get ready to take the leap.

When another balloon passes me by
Can I make it? 
We'll have to see.
There is no answer for that until it has arrived.

I will admit,
I'm scared to jump..
Especially with my newly- fogged glasses.
I like my current balloon.
What if the next one is different?
Where is my next journey?
What parts of the myself,
Even, of the sky,
Will I be sent to explore next?
I guess I'll have to go on an adventure
and see where it takes me.

It may be scary, 
but I can't be recovered with only learning about one part of myself.
I must learn all there is to know in the  mind, body, and soul
of ME, of Mary Lynn,
to truly and fully recover.

Gang McDonald

So, last week I went to group- And there were only three of us! I love it when it's like that.. it makes it cozy  :)
  Anyway, after group the three of us decided to head to McDonald's. As we were sitting there munching on our fries, some gangsa looking black guys came up to us and started majorly hitting on us..

"Hey, ladies. Mind if we sit with you? What're your names?"
Kiera: "...I'm Danny."
Danielle(A little taken off-guard with Kiera using a name so similar to hers): "D..err..  Danielle."
Mary Lynn: "I'm Mary Lynn."

 Gangsta #1 (G1):"Well helloo, I'm Gangsta#1." (Okay, so maybe I forgot his name a little..)

Gangsta 2: "I'm G2"

G3: "I'm G3..."

..Anyway, they start up a convo with us, G1 being the obviously more outspoken and most interested one of the group.

G1: "Hey, you ladies from around here?"

US: "Yep. Just hangin' out."

G1: "Well, we all from Chicago- how about you ladies show us around?"

Kiera: "Well, I actually have to get back to my husband and son, soon." (Which is true.)

G1: Oh, y'all married with a kid at 24? Daang, girl."

ME *Drawing attention to her wedding ring*: Yeah, isn't that the most gorgeous ring you've ever seen??" (So he doesn't get offended and think she's lying.)

G1(to Danielle): "How about you, you married, boyfriend..?"

Danielle: "Yep. I live with my boyfriend and my six year old daughter." (Also true.)

G1(to me): "How about you, babe?"

Me: "..Nope. No boyfriend. No husband. No kids."

G1: "Well how 'bout YOU show us around town, then? Maybe we could make it a night, get something to eat.. Our hotel is just around the corner.."

Me: "Uhm, no thanks."

G1: "Why's that? We just need someone showing us around, where all the good places to be are."

ML: " Nope. That's pretty weird."

G1: "Weird? How's that weird? What's a guy gotta do to get a date with you?"

ML: "Well, I kinda have to know him, not just meet him and his posse randomly at McDonalds. That's pretty creeper, I'm not gonna lie. That's like a classic date rape set-up goin' on there, straight up. Sorry, no offense, but seriously. It's a scene straight from Law & Order waiting to happen."

G1: "Wha? You think I'm weird?"

ML: "No, not necessarily you, just the concept of you. I don't know you, dude."

G1: " Well, How's about I get your number, & we can get to know each other?"

ML: "Uhm, Stranger Danger! Not happening. Sorry, dude. Also, I'm on crutches. How am I supposed to show you around town?I mean seriously. Think ahead, here. Anyway, we need to go. It's getting late, and 'Danny' and Danielle need to put their kids to bed. Later."

G1 (still laughing a bit): "Alright.. You sure you don't want to give me your number?"

ML:"Yep. Sorry, dude."

..Uhm, yeah. Can I just say how freaking GOOD that felt, to just tell him what was goin' on, straight up? To not be making lame excuses so as to not hurt their feelngs, just announcing what was going to happen straight up, in a kind manner?

Uhm. That was epic. I felt so empowered!! Wahoo!!

I know, that was a long (and likely boring) story, but I just had to share!
Guess what, world? I'm BOLD and BEAUTIFUL!!!
       Suck. On. THAT.