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"Recovery feels like losing a best friend"
I feel like that today. I'm doing SO much better, and I'm SO much more happy without my ED...
But I miss my old best friend, sometimes. Is it okay to miss that? Am I crazy?
I don't want it back. NO WAY! I just feel my heart aching tonight. Missing the friend I had for so many years, the one that got me through the tough times when I truly did need a friend to help me through. And while I do NOT want it back.. I miss my best friend. My Eating Disorder.
I'm crazy! I love being in recovery like no other! It's awesome, all the things I can do now, all the energy I have!! My body is amazing! I had two surgeries last week.. And guess what? My body is preforming a miracle, right before my eyes. It's healing itself. I, Mary Lynn, have to power to heal. THAT is really something. I know, it's one of those things that an "average" person would shrug off- "Healing? Yeah, that's what happens when you get hurt. Duh."
No. MY body has never really healed when I've gotten hurt, as your body needs nutrition and energy in order to do so. Standing and looking at it, from my different point of view, it truly is a miracle. I had surgery. My body was CUT INTO. TWICE. That's kind of a big deal. And I can handle it. My body can handle it. I can preform miracles.
So why do I still feel like there's something missing in my life, like I just need that one old friend back, and I'll be complete? I'm happy for the most part.. But deep inside, a part of me- I don't even know how big that part of me is- feels lost and alone.
I feel like I've lost my best friend.
What happens now?
Monday, May 17, 2010
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5 comments:
Oh my gosh Mary Lynn. You took the words right out of my heart. Even after 5 years of recovery, I still have that missing piece. i still miss my eating disorder. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE recovery and am so thankful and proud of myself for getting to this point. But I miss it. I miss having a friend or secret strategy to get me through the hard times.
But I believe the void WILL go away. We need to find new things to fill it. New friendships. New coping strategies. New hobbies. The emotional nutrition vital to healing a deep emotional wound. We are all capable of healing from that type of wound. It just takes time. (hug)
Talk to that feeling of missing that piece of you. Ask it why it's there. Then, love it. Love you.
Hey Mary Lynn! It's Victoria. You write really well, did you know that? I wish I knew what to say to make everything better. . . but I don't. I know you've been my hero since I was. . .what? Six? So if anyone can pull through anything, it would be you. So keep going! Be good. And I miss you bunches!! :(
Your writing style is super. I accidentally stumbled across your blog and found it to be very interesting. So far so good… Keep providing us with useful content…
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