Sunday, June 27, 2010

Doing the Work.

Sit through a little scenario with me, if you will.. :

Once upon a time, in a land wherever you are, 
there was you.
One day, you decided to have a party.
You didn't mean for the party to get so out of control-
Friends invited friends, who invited friends..

You kept trying to calm everything down,
To no avail..

Until you were finally so tired, 

You just stopped trying to keep the peace. 
Needless to say (But I'll say it, anyway),
Your house gets pretty trashed.
Go figure.

The next day,
you want your house clean again-
Because it's so much more peaceful that way.
But it's just so messy, it's overwhelming.
You need help, you just can't get it all done by yourself!
So you call a cleaning company.
They come to your house,
and start cleaning...

Except, they don't live there.
They don't know where anything goes.
Sure, they can vacuum, pick up the trash..
Maybe you call a friend
who can help put your furniture back together
(Yes, it was that bad)
But if you want your house put together right,
Everything put in it's proper place,
Everything back to normal..
Then YOU have to do the work. 
No one else knows where everything belongs;
Where you need things to be

to have your home back together

The same goes for healing. 
You can have as many people around you, helping you,
As you could want..
But in the end,
You are your own best healer.
It's true, you cannot do it on your own-
You'll need help,
And sometimes a lot of it

But in the end,
Only you can heal yourself.
No one else can do that for you.
You are your own best healer.


Thanks to Heather Lewin for the base of this post! Love you!

Sunday, June 20, 2010


My awesome little sister, Elisabeth, is coming to visit! I haven't seen her in a long time.. Too long.

She will be here on Monday, July 5th!! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to the awesomeness of Elisabeth(/ Elisagarth/ Beelzebub/ Abisaleth/ Bubs/ Beth(ie)/ Bethaliz), in honor of her 24 day homecoming. (That's 24 days, not a 24 hr day!) Here are the many faces of my favorite almost-fifteen-year-old.Yes. This is going to be a picture overload. You will look at it, and you will love i
t. ;)
I especially love this first one!!

^ Nope.. She doesn't like lemons! ^

^ So photogenic! ^

^Elisabeth and another of our sisters, Leelou ^

^ So photogenic! ^One of her MANY hair cuts and colors.. one of my favs!

^ Queen Elisabeth^

^ On a swamp tour in da Bayou! (Louisiana)^

^Elisagarth being a mouse.. or lion?^
^ Steering a boat!^

^ Yummy^

^ She was THRILLED to pose for a pic with her new hat!^

^Isn't she just the cutest thing ever??^

^ The fading purple hair look.^
It's all the rage!

 ^Happy to be with our dad in a pub!^

^ More new hair!^

^ Fourteen isn't too old to go trick-or-treating!^

^ Spinning a staff, somewhere cool.^

^ Hiking! The faded-purple-hair look has turned into the mostly-gray look.^

^ Her personality. She loves to stand out from the rest!^

^ Street performing in Boston :) ^

^ SO cute. With my dad, about 14 years ago^

^ Zombie hunting on the streets of Boston. Ya know, the usual.^
(And you think I'm kidding about 'the usual'..)

^ Current. She now has WHITE hair!^
Actually a bit blond for her liking, so she is about to bleach it again..

^ Elisabeth and me- two days ago!^
She is SO gorgeous. Stole the beauty in our family!
(Not that the rest of us aren't, it's just that she one-upped us!)
..And she doesn't even LIKE pictures! ;)
(This pic uploaded 6/9/10- She's here!)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I don't even know.

What am I doing? What has my life come to?
I'll tell you what I'm doing- I'm failing. I'm taking shortcuts in my journey to recovery. Shortcuts, leading to more shortcuts, leading to.. You know. I can feel myself straying further and further away from my path to recovery.  I don't want to go away from it. I like being happy, and that's what recovery brings..

  So why am I subconsciously fighting to go back to my old habits? The very habits that have almost killed me in the past? What is going on in my subconscious that I don't know about? How is it that I've lived my entire life with myself, yet I don't even know my own mind? What is wrong with me? Why is everything inside of my fighting so hard against each other? Why can't I forget about everything and just be Mary Lynn? It's a lot harder than I could possibly explain- especially since I simply cannot explain.  I don't think I ever can. All these things, all these questions, run through my head at a hundred miles an hour, and I wish I could answer them, but.. I simply don't know.

  There is a huge hole inside of me. A black hole, slowly sucking me in from the inside out. I want it to go away, but no matter how much I feed it, or how much of myself I turn over to it, it always wants more. It's never enough- I'M never enough. I'm missing something vital from my structure, and I know not what it is. Can I ever be fixed? Will anything I do ever be enough? Will I really be able to survive this? Not just move my feelings and thoughts to the side, not just prolong my life- I mean actually survive it.. in the long run.

  I'm beginning to lose that hope I still long to hold onto. I fell physically sick admitting that I'm not doing okay. I should be doing great, I've been out of CFC for but four months.. But I can't ignore this or lie to myself anymore, I just can't.  ..Or maybe I feel sick because I'm not doing okay. I don't know.

 Why must it be so easy to fall into this again? This thing that's been torturing me for the past ten years of my life?  It's just so easy. TOO easy. You see, I don't like food.  No, not as in ED stuff (Though that's true, too..), but as in I physically DON'T LIKE IT. It tastes disgusting. It's all these weird and awkward consistencies, in my mouth of all places! Uncomfortable textures galore, making me want to gag.. Yes, literally. I do not like food, Sam  I am. I do not like it with all that I am.
It also doesn't help that I STILL don't have hunger signals. I don't get hungry, I don't like food. Bad combo.
Not liking food+ never hungry+ trying to recover from an ED= Disaster, waiting to happen.

  My doctor, Karly, is not happy with me at all. She says I keep losing weight- and a lot of it. More of me does not want to lose weight, but I have to admit.. A part of me does. A very small part of me is ecstatic every time Karly comes in, with a sad look on her face.. A look of disappointment.. A look that means something isn't okay. 85% of me feels so sad, so ashamed that I'm fighting this so hard, and I'm still losing. But that little part of me- that 15%- feels an odd sense of relief. What am I doing? Why am I losing my ground fighting against my ED? I simply don't know.

  I'm just about ready to put up my white flag and surrender to this monster inside of me, killing me. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Can I get better? Can I just go back to being Mary Lynn, no strings attached? I don't even know.