I don't even know.

What am I doing? What has my life come to?
I'll tell you what I'm doing- I'm failing. I'm taking shortcuts in my journey to recovery. Shortcuts, leading to more shortcuts, leading to.. You know. I can feel myself straying further and further away from my path to recovery.  I don't want to go away from it. I like being happy, and that's what recovery brings..

  So why am I subconsciously fighting to go back to my old habits? The very habits that have almost killed me in the past? What is going on in my subconscious that I don't know about? How is it that I've lived my entire life with myself, yet I don't even know my own mind? What is wrong with me? Why is everything inside of my fighting so hard against each other? Why can't I forget about everything and just be Mary Lynn? It's a lot harder than I could possibly explain- especially since I simply cannot explain.  I don't think I ever can. All these things, all these questions, run through my head at a hundred miles an hour, and I wish I could answer them, but.. I simply don't know.


  There is a huge hole inside of me. A black hole, slowly sucking me in from the inside out. I want it to go away, but no matter how much I feed it, or how much of myself I turn over to it, it always wants more. It's never enough- I'M never enough. I'm missing something vital from my structure, and I know not what it is. Can I ever be fixed? Will anything I do ever be enough? Will I really be able to survive this? Not just move my feelings and thoughts to the side, not just prolong my life- I mean actually survive it.. in the long run.


  I'm beginning to lose that hope I still long to hold onto. I fell physically sick admitting that I'm not doing okay. I should be doing great, I've been out of CFC for but four months.. But I can't ignore this or lie to myself anymore, I just can't.  ..Or maybe I feel sick because I'm not doing okay. I don't know.


 Why must it be so easy to fall into this again? This thing that's been torturing me for the past ten years of my life?  It's just so easy. TOO easy. You see, I don't like food.  No, not as in ED stuff (Though that's true, too..), but as in I physically DON'T LIKE IT. It tastes disgusting. It's all these weird and awkward consistencies, in my mouth of all places! Uncomfortable textures galore, making me want to gag.. Yes, literally. I do not like food, Sam  I am. I do not like it with all that I am.
It also doesn't help that I STILL don't have hunger signals. I don't get hungry, I don't like food. Bad combo.
Not liking food+ never hungry+ trying to recover from an ED= Disaster, waiting to happen.


  My doctor, Karly, is not happy with me at all. She says I keep losing weight- and a lot of it. More of me does not want to lose weight, but I have to admit.. A part of me does. A very small part of me is ecstatic every time Karly comes in, with a sad look on her face.. A look of disappointment.. A look that means something isn't okay. 85% of me feels so sad, so ashamed that I'm fighting this so hard, and I'm still losing. But that little part of me- that 15%- feels an odd sense of relief. What am I doing? Why am I losing my ground fighting against my ED? I simply don't know.


  I'm just about ready to put up my white flag and surrender to this monster inside of me, killing me. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Can I get better? Can I just go back to being Mary Lynn, no strings attached? I don't even know.