Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Missing my little 'Cougars' and 'Cheetahs'...

Writhing in misery.. I'm no longer allowed to go to work until I get a signed note from my neurologist stating that, with my epilepsy, it's safe for me to be working with children. This is a bunch of crap! I LOVE work, I'm seriously in physical pain and feel like I'm gonna barf (Not purposefully..) because it makes me so sick to have to be away from my kids. I've been crying for hours, now. Did you know that it takes 6-8 months on average to get an apt with a given neurologist? Luckily, it looks like getting a not only takes a few weeks.. Which I started trying to get a few weeks ago. Hopefully soon.. Then, on TOP of that, they're sending me a bunch of paperwork to fill out and want me to release my medical records for them. I can't release my medical records, and they can't make me! Pretty sure that's against the ADA. Normally I wouldn't care, but I've been in the psych ward more times than I can count (literally) for my Eating Disorder, and I feel like once they see how many times I've been admitted to Psych wards, they'll think I'm unstable, and therefore not suitable to work with children. Doesn't matter that it was just because of an ED, it's still a psych ward. I can't release that information to them, and I don't have to.. What the heck is this crap? I mean, I'm grateful that I'm still getting paid while all this drama is going on, but I don't care. I'd rather go to work and not get paid than not go to work and get paid for it. I just want to go to work. I want my kids back.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Jackson Jump?

So my coordinator at work, Estephanie, got an email from the district office a few days ago.. Apparently they want me to start a jump team at Jackson Elem! Exciting, right?
It'll be hard starting w/ new kids (they don't have experience, so they can't help others), but It can be done!

It sounds like we're going to be able to have auditions for it (thank goodness!), but only kids currently in the after-school program can try out. Not sure how I feel about that vs what I'm used to.
At Magna Elem, all 3-6 graders could try out, so we could really pick and choose the best ones- and there were older, more experienced kids, who could help out the newer ones. I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing, I feel like they may have these huge expectations of me.. What if I can't live up to those? What if there aren't enough kids in there with rhythm and potential talent? What if we don't find good speed ropes and can't do it? What if, for some reason, the whole thing fails miserably?

Geez, I can get myself so worked up over these things! I've done JT for five years. I've been missing it a lot. I LOVE coaching JT. Why am I so nervous, then??
Probably because it's different. Though I've done it before, it's new. It's change.
I've found a pattern in myself, which I've been telling myself I want to change. I tend to shy away from almost anything and everything involving change (Probably the reason I haven't worked on this pattern; that would involve changing!).
Why? Who in the heck knows.

Mary Lynn, you're a big kid. You can do this. You can deal with change. You've made a lot of changes in the past year, and you've managed to survive. No need to panic, ML. No need to freak out.

It will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
CHILL.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Long-Time No-Blog! ;)

So guess what? I FINALLY GOT A JOB, after MONTHS of looking!!
And it's a great one- I get to work in an elementary school!
I'm a group leader for the second graders. This means I do a bunch of stuff with them after school- Like we do snack, movement/recess time, computers, homework, enrichment activities I get to plan, gym time... That sort of thing. I interviewed for it on Monday, and was hired on the spot. I 'officially' started on Tuesday, but that was just meeting with HR people for a few hours and getting fingerprinted etc.
Wednesday I shadowed someone & helped with her kids, and Thursday was.. well, an odd day. They didn't take into account that it was an early day (No school Friday), so it was kind of a mess that day.
On Monday, I'm going to be with my second graders by myself. I'm excited!

Also, I'm scared. No, not scared because of the kids or the responsibility.. I'm scared of the adults. I'm scared of doing things in the wrong order and getting in trouble.
The girl I shadowed wasn't helpful at ALL. I tried to ask questions and stuff, but she wouldn't really answer. She would answer with maybe a head nod/shake or a "Just whatever you think, I don't know."
It drove me crazy! I feel so incompetent now. I learned like nothing, and I'm expected to single-handedly do a bunch of things with a bunch of seven and eight year olds I've hardly met, all of whom, by the way, think it's hilarious to tell me rules that don't exist and remove the ones that do.
Yeah. Hilarious.  Let's make teacher freak! Baahaha. Kids are cute.

I'm SO scared of messing up though, guys!  Again, don't get me wrong- I'm absolutely amazing with kids, there's no doubt about it. I know I can do that, it's just my niche. No anxieties or anything.
Darn adults.. Haha. It's okay, though. I suppose anxieties are to be expected with this sort of thing.


Anyway, here's me at my first day of work at Jackson Elementary, getting ready to head in!



And this is the FRONT of Jackson Elementary- It's Rose Park area, as you can probably tell by how high-class it is! ;)  Lol. Kind of looks like an old office building or something, huh? Haha

In other news, I'm doing pretty well therapeutically and eating-wise.  I've been struggling for a while , but that's to be expected in recovery. The important thing is that I'm back on track! I'm working hard to be  okay! I've re-realized something recently:
Living life in darkness and agony- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... Being afraid of sleep because you're afraid that you literally won't wake up again.. being so engulfed in misery, you can't even leave your room.. The life of my ED just isn't the life I want anymore. Therefore, I'm refusing to live it. I'm ready to create my own life, away from that of my Eating Disorder.
I think I'm finally ready to live my life.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Lure them out, perhaps?

I can't help but get this odd feeling that there are birds wanting to live in my cooler (In the window), thus causing me to keep my only source of cool air off.
Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that there ARE birds trying to move into my cooler.

In other news, I have an uggo-blog- I know!! Sorry guys, this darn new formatting is messin' with my groove! I was finally pro at making layouts, until.. The new formatting thing appeared, and my background was due for a changing. Darn!

Also, other stuff.

ML

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Vyvanse

So, my psychiatrist put me on this new med- Vyvanse. It's a strong Rx for my ADD. My ADD gets in the way of a lot of things. For instance: I can't read a book without stopping and re-reading a thousand times. I read the words in my mind, but I pay no to attention to what it's actually saying a lot of the time. I don't mean to do this, but my mind just inevitably goes to other subjects. I'll realize this after a little while, and have to go back and read what I 'missed'.

  Sometimes it will happen more than once on the same thing- meaning I'll go back to re-read something, and space off again- making me need to re-read it even again. It takes me forever to read a book. Luckily, I'm a very good and very fast reader. English stuff is kinda my thing, though I know doesn't always show in my writings. Sorry about that..

But I digress. I can read a book fairly quickly because, let's face it, I'm an awesome reader.. And I totally tested at a college level reading when I was in fifth grade. I'm just sayin'.. 
  However, if I'm SUPER interested in the book, I can usually keep my mind on it.. Which happens once or twice every few years. It's kind of dreadful.

  Now, with MOVIES.. I can only watch them at home, as I can pause and rewind when my mind wanders, and I can be actively doing something else at the same time- keeping me busy, and allowing me to be more focused. I cannot follow the story lines in movie theaters.

 So, those are two minor things, even though I kind of went on & on. Two of the more major(ish) and annoying ones are: SHOWERING/BATHING. It generally takes me an hour to an hour and a half to do this. Why? Because my mind wanders so much. I don't remember what I'm doing at all- and when I do, I do it really slowly.. Because I can't pay attention to it. I don't have something right in front of me, reminding me. The water doesn't appear to be enough to make me remember. I usually realize and hurry when all the hot water is gone. Blast!

The last major one I can think of is driving. I'm actually not entirely sure if it's normal or not, but I just can't pay attention to the road. I mean, don't get me wrong, I pay attention absentmindedly- just not actively. Well, most of the time. I'm a VERY good driver. Granted, I've been in one accident in which I was the driver- but it had absolutely nothing to do with my driving skills. I had a seizure while driving (in which, by pure luck, no one was hurt but me- and mine weren't that major), but that was a fluke in my body, not my abilities. Not to honk my own horn (pun intended), but I'm a really great driver. Ask anyone. ;)

  So, I'm not really sure what impact that may have on my driving- that is, if it isn't normal. I keep myself occupied, though. I drive an hour away every Wednesday, and sometimes just forget to turn on the music, as I'm already watching my vivid imagination in my head. It's cool, whether or not others do it.

  Okay, so back to the POINT of this post!! I was just put on Vyvanse a little over a week ago. It seemed to be working a little bit the first couple of days. For two to four days, I was supposed to take half- then three fourths for that amt of time, then up to a full capsule (This is all because it's so strong).
I was on a different medication a long time ago, but I was taken off because they were afraid it would interact with my seizure meds.. And we all know that's no good! Vyvanse is a fairly new med, which they have tested with epilepsy meds, and were found to be safe. Therefore, I started taking it.

  Now, the problem is.. I'm having side effects. I tend to have reactions or side effects to most things, so it was entirely expected that I would.. Just not this much! I have like 2/3 of the side effects mentions, I swear! It's to the point I think I'm going to slowly take myself off of it.. But I'm not entirely certain about it. I can't visit my psychiatrist about it, as I lost my health insurance Aug. 1st.
Now, for those few of you that actually got through this entire post, I have something to ask..
Could I possibly get any thoughts on this? On what you think I could/should possibly do? It would be greatly appreciated, I'm at a dead end here.

   To help you get an idea of what's going on, I will share with you the side effects that I, personally, and experiencing:
Depression, decreased appetite, dizziness, dry mouth, increased sweating episodes, mild irritability, nervousness, restlessness, constipation, nausea, difficulty sleeping, unpleasant taste, weight loss, agitation, headaches, increased obsessive compulsive behaviors, anxiety, skin irritation/itching, slight tremor (likely from not sleeping well).

..Yeah. That's it. Most of it is very very minor, just enough to make me feel a bit 'off'. The only stronger one is, of course, decreased appetite.. Probably leading to weight loss, that's why I put that one on there. I don't actually know, as I don't own a scale. I'm visiting my dietitian today (Thank Heavenly Father for my church, who pays for me to see my dietitian, my therapist, and my ED group!), and she'll weigh me. She won't tell me my weight, but she will likely tell me if I lost weight or not.

Anyway, thanks guys!! Sorry if this post is confusing- with the whole "difficulty sleeping" thing going on, it's 6:30 in the morning, and I have yet to be able to get some sleep. Excuse my terrible writing and grammar mistakes I'm sure I've made!


           The warning at the top of every Vyvanse  page...             
               v         v         v         v          v          v         v         v         v                    
 ^         ^         ^         ^         ^         ^         ^         ^   

           IDK why, but I find this a tiny bit funny.. BAD Mary Lynn,  BAD!                      


Okay, so LOVES to you all!!
Thank you so much for supporting me through this madness
I call recovery.. and life. ;)

<3
Mary Lynn

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Crossroads No More

For the past few days, I've been throwing myself a party.
Sadly, it has been a pity fest. I was quite consciously allowing myself to go downhill.
Then.. I logged on to my blogger account (so I could catch up on the daily writings of those around me), and was reminded of my new recovery blog. I noticed something.. I made it a  recovery  blog. I could have just made it a general 'eating disorder stuff' blog, but I didn't. I chose not to.

  I subconsciously decided that recovery from my ED was more important than my ED itself. I didn't WANT to write about it, I wanted to write about getting rid of it. Deep inside of me- although it's hard for even me to see at times- I want recovery. To my very core, the very essence of Mary Lynn, this is what I want.



I have already chosen my destination.
I've chosen the path of love, the path of peace inside of myself..



I have made the decision to live.





Sunday, June 27, 2010

Doing the Work.

Sit through a little scenario with me, if you will.. :

Once upon a time, in a land wherever you are, 
there was you.
One day, you decided to have a party.
You didn't mean for the party to get so out of control-
Friends invited friends, who invited friends..

You kept trying to calm everything down,
To no avail..

Until you were finally so tired, 

You just stopped trying to keep the peace. 
Needless to say (But I'll say it, anyway),
Your house gets pretty trashed.
Go figure.

The next day,
you want your house clean again-
Because it's so much more peaceful that way.
But it's just so messy, it's overwhelming.
You need help, you just can't get it all done by yourself!
So you call a cleaning company.
They come to your house,
and start cleaning...

Except, they don't live there.
They don't know where anything goes.
Sure, they can vacuum, pick up the trash..
Maybe you call a friend
who can help put your furniture back together
(Yes, it was that bad)
But if you want your house put together right,
Everything put in it's proper place,
Everything back to normal..
Then YOU have to do the work. 
No one else knows where everything belongs;
Where you need things to be

to have your home back together



The same goes for healing. 
You can have as many people around you, helping you,
As you could want..
But in the end,
You are your own best healer.
It's true, you cannot do it on your own-
You'll need help,
And sometimes a lot of it

But in the end,
Only you can heal yourself.
No one else can do that for you.
You are your own best healer.

...

Thanks to Heather Lewin for the base of this post! Love you!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Elisabeth!

My awesome little sister, Elisabeth, is coming to visit! I haven't seen her in a long time.. Too long.

She will be here on Monday, July 5th!! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to the awesomeness of Elisabeth(/ Elisagarth/ Beelzebub/ Abisaleth/ Bubs/ Beth(ie)/ Bethaliz), in honor of her 24 day homecoming. (That's 24 days, not a 24 hr day!) Here are the many faces of my favorite almost-fifteen-year-old.Yes. This is going to be a picture overload. You will look at it, and you will love i
t. ;)
I especially love this first one!!

^ Nope.. She doesn't like lemons! ^

^ So photogenic! ^
 

^Elisabeth and another of our sisters, Leelou ^

^ So photogenic! ^One of her MANY hair cuts and colors.. one of my favs!


^ Queen Elisabeth^

 
^ On a swamp tour in da Bayou! (Louisiana)^

^Elisagarth being a mouse.. or lion?^
^ Steering a boat!^


^ Yummy^


^ She was THRILLED to pose for a pic with her new hat!^


^Isn't she just the cutest thing ever??^

^ The fading purple hair look.^
It's all the rage!

 ^Happy to be with our dad in a pub!^

 
^ More new hair!^


  
^ Fourteen isn't too old to go trick-or-treating!^

^ Spinning a staff, somewhere cool.^


^ Hiking! The faded-purple-hair look has turned into the mostly-gray look.^


^ Her personality. She loves to stand out from the rest!^


^ Street performing in Boston :) ^


^ SO cute. With my dad, about 14 years ago^


^ Zombie hunting on the streets of Boston. Ya know, the usual.^
(And you think I'm kidding about 'the usual'..)

^ Current. She now has WHITE hair!^
Actually a bit blond for her liking, so she is about to bleach it again..

^ Elisabeth and me- two days ago!^
She is SO gorgeous. Stole the beauty in our family!
(Not that the rest of us aren't, it's just that she one-upped us!)
..And she doesn't even LIKE pictures! ;)
(This pic uploaded 6/9/10- She's here!)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I don't even know.

What am I doing? What has my life come to?
I'll tell you what I'm doing- I'm failing. I'm taking shortcuts in my journey to recovery. Shortcuts, leading to more shortcuts, leading to.. You know. I can feel myself straying further and further away from my path to recovery.  I don't want to go away from it. I like being happy, and that's what recovery brings..

  So why am I subconsciously fighting to go back to my old habits? The very habits that have almost killed me in the past? What is going on in my subconscious that I don't know about? How is it that I've lived my entire life with myself, yet I don't even know my own mind? What is wrong with me? Why is everything inside of my fighting so hard against each other? Why can't I forget about everything and just be Mary Lynn? It's a lot harder than I could possibly explain- especially since I simply cannot explain.  I don't think I ever can. All these things, all these questions, run through my head at a hundred miles an hour, and I wish I could answer them, but.. I simply don't know.


  There is a huge hole inside of me. A black hole, slowly sucking me in from the inside out. I want it to go away, but no matter how much I feed it, or how much of myself I turn over to it, it always wants more. It's never enough- I'M never enough. I'm missing something vital from my structure, and I know not what it is. Can I ever be fixed? Will anything I do ever be enough? Will I really be able to survive this? Not just move my feelings and thoughts to the side, not just prolong my life- I mean actually survive it.. in the long run.


  I'm beginning to lose that hope I still long to hold onto. I fell physically sick admitting that I'm not doing okay. I should be doing great, I've been out of CFC for but four months.. But I can't ignore this or lie to myself anymore, I just can't.  ..Or maybe I feel sick because I'm not doing okay. I don't know.


 Why must it be so easy to fall into this again? This thing that's been torturing me for the past ten years of my life?  It's just so easy. TOO easy. You see, I don't like food.  No, not as in ED stuff (Though that's true, too..), but as in I physically DON'T LIKE IT. It tastes disgusting. It's all these weird and awkward consistencies, in my mouth of all places! Uncomfortable textures galore, making me want to gag.. Yes, literally. I do not like food, Sam  I am. I do not like it with all that I am.
It also doesn't help that I STILL don't have hunger signals. I don't get hungry, I don't like food. Bad combo.
Not liking food+ never hungry+ trying to recover from an ED= Disaster, waiting to happen.


  My doctor, Karly, is not happy with me at all. She says I keep losing weight- and a lot of it. More of me does not want to lose weight, but I have to admit.. A part of me does. A very small part of me is ecstatic every time Karly comes in, with a sad look on her face.. A look of disappointment.. A look that means something isn't okay. 85% of me feels so sad, so ashamed that I'm fighting this so hard, and I'm still losing. But that little part of me- that 15%- feels an odd sense of relief. What am I doing? Why am I losing my ground fighting against my ED? I simply don't know.


  I'm just about ready to put up my white flag and surrender to this monster inside of me, killing me. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Can I get better? Can I just go back to being Mary Lynn, no strings attached? I don't even know.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Just Journaling.

I'm very tired and cold tonight. This past day was my four month anniversary from discharging from CFC- yay me! I've been working hard... And apparently not quite hard enough. 
 I know that.

   I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I'm doing just fine, and mostly believing it. Reality check, ML- you aren't going to make it at this rate. You need to step it up- you need to put in your all. This is the battle of my life- the battle FOR my life. This half-ass'd attempt just isn't going to do it.


   Today I went to see my ED specialist MD, Karly. She was not very happy. She says my weight is continuing to drop every week, and it's scaring her. She actually had to go ask another MD about it, because she was pretty worried.. Especially because I have my boot on from my ankle surgery, so that adds weight.. I hate that. I know I haven't been doing amazingly lately, but I was just so sure that my weight was stable at least. I'm actually not even having all that many ED thoughts, it's mainly just my will to eat. I sincerely do not like food. It tastes gross, the consistency and textures bother me.. It's just not something I think I'll ever really enjoy. I don't like it, I don't want it, and I don't remember it because of my lack of hunger signals. This sucks.

   In other news, there's an ED behavior that I really want to engage in.. But I'm not sure if it's really ''ED motivated,'' per say. I really want to purge recently. Why? Not to get the food out. Not so I can eat without feeling that twinge of guilt because I know I can reverse it.. I want to because I feel unpretty- in my face. I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but that's okay..- I've kind of fallen in love with myself- with my face. I've often felt just gorgeous because of my square-ish face, green eyes, and my smile. Seriously, I can admit that. The problem is, that I don't have my face shape anymore. The shape of my face is like the one thing that's held me together sometimes, or so it seems.. Now that I'm not throwing up for various hours every day (I actually haven't at ALL since CFC! Hazah!), my cheeks are no longer swollen. I no longer have that shape to my face- I no longer see the Mary Lynn I know in the mirror, I see an odd looking midget. Yep, that's me.

  Now, I understand that my self image can be pretty damn distorted sometimes, but I don't think this is one of those times. This time I know that I'm right, and I would feel more pretty if I could just start purging, again. I don't want to, I've been doing so well with that!! And I do want to; I want to feel good about myself. I'm so torn.

   In other news, I'm socially incompetent. Seriously, I've realized this recently. I don't know how to act in social situations, what to say, what things upset people, what's too much information, what's appropriate in the moment. I don't know what to do with myself, how I'm supposed to sit or stand, when I'm supposed to just listen and when I'm supposed to offer help. I don't know how direct to be. I constantly feel like I'm putting on this huge act, just trying to be acceptable and do things right. I try, and I fail- over and over. It's so frustrating for me, I just don't know how to be a good friend. It makes me so sad sometimes. I just want to learn how to be a ''normal'' person. Ggahhh! I just get too excited about everything and over do it.

   It's raining outside. I love rain, it's so calming, so serene. I need to move to ''Forks'' to get my rain kicks, I would fall in love with it. Probably.
I think it's time for me to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain, softly washing our beautiful Earth and nourishing the amazing plant life we are so blessed with.
 Goodnight, my friends. Sleep well.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Feelings are confusing


"Recovery feels like losing a best friend" 
I feel like that today. I'm doing SO much better, and I'm SO much more happy without my ED...
But I miss my old best friend, sometimes. Is it okay to miss that? Am I crazy?
I don't want it back. NO WAY! I just feel my heart aching tonight. Missing the friend I had for so many years, the one that got me through the tough times when I truly did need a friend to help me through. And while I do NOT want it back.. I miss my best friend. My Eating Disorder.


I'm crazy! I love being in recovery like no other! It's awesome, all the things I can do now, all the energy I have!! My body is amazing! I had two surgeries last week.. And guess what? My body is preforming a miracle, right before my eyes. It's healing itself. I, Mary Lynn, have to power to heal. THAT is really something. I know, it's one of those things that an "average" person would shrug off- "Healing? Yeah, that's what happens when you get hurt. Duh."


No. MY body has never really healed when I've gotten hurt, as your body needs nutrition and energy in order to do so.  Standing and looking at it, from my different point of view, it truly is a miracle. I had surgery. My body was CUT INTO. TWICE. That's kind of a big deal. And I can handle it. My body can handle it. I can preform miracles.


So why do I still feel like there's something missing in my life, like I just need that one old friend back, and I'll be complete? I'm happy for the most part.. But deep inside, a part of me- I don't even know how big that part of me is- feels lost and alone.
I feel like I've lost my best friend.

What happens now?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Recovery

Recovery is like a helium balloon.

First, you, your balloon of recovery, 
gets slowly filled up.
But instead of being filled of air,
You are filled with potential confidence,
epiphanies,
and the tools you need
to be able to build self-love.. Your helium.
(Oh, and not to mention, food.) (;


You hold onto your balloon of recovery for dear life
As it begins to raise you into the air..
Your arms aren't strong enough.
You begin to lose your grip.
You slip, and fall to the ground. 
HARD.
You relapse.
 
You try re-filling your balloon
It takes less time than before.
It still has some helium left in it.
A kick start,
A boost.
 
You begin floating up, again. 
This time you're prepared for a slip
..This time you've tied a knot to hang on to.

You stay in the air for a long time.
You start getting so tired
Your hands are sweaty
One slips.
Both slip.
You fall.
You relapse.

Third try.
You're getting the hang of it.
Again, youstart flying up.
Up, up, and away..

You are in the air for a very long time.
Longer than you thought possible.
Until....
You start to run low on helium.
You run low on all those things you were filled with.
You stop going up.
You've tried so hard
Prepared so much
Hung tightly on for so long..
And you fail.
 
You hold onto your balloon for a time
Staying right where you are.
No progression
Just heart ache at your fail
And confusion.


You notice you're moving, again.
You get excited.
And then you begin to fall.
How long will you fall for?
How far off the ground are you?
How much do you have to lose?
You don't know.


You soon realize there are other balloons
Floating upward, nearby.
You know what you have to do to stay up.

The question then is
Do you jump?
Do you have enough "fuel" to swing to the next balloon?
Do you have the confidence, self-love, and strength
To take a leap of faith?

If not, you fall back to the ground 
And start over.
You do not pass "Go".
You do not collect $200.

But
If you do have what it takes to jump..
You jump.
You take your leap of faith, and hope for the best..

You catch another balloon.
You balloon skip.
Until you reach the clouds-
Until you reach safety.
The point where you can finally say the word "recovered"
without feeling fear,
guilt,
or shame.
That moment when you become independent 
and live your own life without therapists,
dietitians, doctors, and hospitals surrounding you, 
making your load feel heavier under all of the pressure
.
That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief 
And know that YOU have just won the battle.

..But not the war. 
You will inevitably slip
Through the safety of the clouds
At one point or another.
You will fall.
And if you can't catch a balloon on the way down,
You hit the ground.  
HARD.

And it WILL take more than one balloon to reach the top.
And you WILL fall.
But not necessarily to the bottom.
Just enough to realize the difference between sick, stuck, recovering, and recovered.
 
Each balloon is filled with something different.
The first is filled with what was mentioned above.
But the ones after are filled of all different kinds of things. 
I couldn't tell you what they're all filled with,
Even if I wanted to. 
It depends upon which balloon you grasp
And how heavy the load you carry is.
Each balloon is a different color.
Each color is something different..
That's the excitement of balloon skipping.
 
You learn and gain new things with each balloon,
and you never know exactly what you'll be learning next
until you're there.

So, where am I at?
I know you're likely wondering..

I would give you an answer..
But I can't.
I suppose, if I have to say,
I am on a balloon pretty high up there
Grasping on to that balloon's frail string.

My balloon is most definitely running out of helium.
I'm losing my ground.
I'm very slowly getting further from the clouds
And slightly closer to the ground.

I need a balloon. I need someone, something,
To help me find one.
My glasses are foggy,
I can't make out the balloons
Floating right by me
Passing me by.
 
I don't care if I can see them.
I need one.
I get ready to take the leap.

When another balloon passes me by
Can I make it? 
We'll have to see.
There is no answer for that until it has arrived.

I will admit,
I'm scared to jump..
Especially with my newly- fogged glasses.
I like my current balloon.
What if the next one is different?
Where is my next journey?
What parts of the myself,
Even, of the sky,
Will I be sent to explore next?
I guess I'll have to go on an adventure
and see where it takes me.

It may be scary, 
but I can't be recovered with only learning about one part of myself.
I must learn all there is to know in the  mind, body, and soul
of ME, of Mary Lynn,
to truly and fully recover.

Gang McDonald

So, last week I went to group- And there were only three of us! I love it when it's like that.. it makes it cozy  :)
 
  Anyway, after group the three of us decided to head to McDonald's. As we were sitting there munching on our fries, some gangsa looking black guys came up to us and started majorly hitting on us..

"Hey, ladies. Mind if we sit with you? What're your names?"
Kiera: "...I'm Danny."
Danielle(A little taken off-guard with Kiera using a name so similar to hers): "D..err..  Danielle."
Mary Lynn: "I'm Mary Lynn."


 Gangsta #1 (G1):"Well helloo, I'm Gangsta#1." (Okay, so maybe I forgot his name a little..)

Gangsta 2: "I'm G2"

G3: "I'm G3..."
..(ETC)

..Anyway, they start up a convo with us, G1 being the obviously more outspoken and most interested one of the group.

G1: "Hey, you ladies from around here?"

US: "Yep. Just hangin' out."

G1: "Well, we all from Chicago- how about you ladies show us around?"

Kiera: "Well, I actually have to get back to my husband and son, soon." (Which is true.)

G1: Oh, y'all married with a kid at 24? Daang, girl."

ME *Drawing attention to her wedding ring*: Yeah, isn't that the most gorgeous ring you've ever seen??" (So he doesn't get offended and think she's lying.)

G1(to Danielle): "How about you, you married, boyfriend..?"

Danielle: "Yep. I live with my boyfriend and my six year old daughter." (Also true.)

G1(to me): "How about you, babe?"

Me: "..Nope. No boyfriend. No husband. No kids."

G1: "Well how 'bout YOU show us around town, then? Maybe we could make it a night, get something to eat.. Our hotel is just around the corner.."

Me: "Uhm, no thanks."

G1: "Why's that? We just need someone showing us around, where all the good places to be are."

ML: " Nope. That's pretty weird."

G1: "Weird? How's that weird? What's a guy gotta do to get a date with you?"

ML: "Well, I kinda have to know him, not just meet him and his posse randomly at McDonalds. That's pretty creeper, I'm not gonna lie. That's like a classic date rape set-up goin' on there, straight up. Sorry, no offense, but seriously. It's a scene straight from Law & Order waiting to happen."

G1: "Wha? You think I'm weird?"

ML: "No, not necessarily you, just the concept of you. I don't know you, dude."

G1: " Well, How's about I get your number, & we can get to know each other?"

ML: "Uhm, Stranger Danger! Not happening. Sorry, dude. Also, I'm on crutches. How am I supposed to show you around town?I mean seriously. Think ahead, here. Anyway, we need to go. It's getting late, and 'Danny' and Danielle need to put their kids to bed. Later."

G1 (still laughing a bit): "Alright.. You sure you don't want to give me your number?"

ML:"Yep. Sorry, dude."


..Uhm, yeah. Can I just say how freaking GOOD that felt, to just tell him what was goin' on, straight up? To not be making lame excuses so as to not hurt their feelngs, just announcing what was going to happen straight up, in a kind manner?

Uhm. That was epic. I felt so empowered!! Wahoo!!

I know, that was a long (and likely boring) story, but I just had to share!
Guess what, world? I'm BOLD and BEAUTIFUL!!!
       Suck. On. THAT.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Three Years in the Making (& some good news!!)



  (Scratch that last post!!! Ed found a job, he's not going to move in with us, after all!! WAHOOO!! Oh, happy day!!!)


  

  In other news,  I think this whole "eating" thing is working well for me. I just feel so good about life!

  Here, we have a picture of me, a little less than three years ago. This was about four months before I was so engulfed in my ED that I was finally admitted into the ICU.  (Oops.)

  Now, notice the very puffy cheeks. Normally, you'd think someone with Anorexia would have a very sunken in face, right?   Wrong. Not if they throw up twenty times a day, even if all they've had is water. The stomach acids are very erosive, causing your cheeks to swell a lot.. It was all I could do to smile, and you can kinda tell. I also notice how colorless my eyes look..



This next photo was taken yesterday. My cheeks aren't puffy, as I haven't purged since I was barely admitted to CFC. Over all, I've been doing fairly well with eating, too. And guess what? I feel HAPPY now! My skin is brighter- and so much CLEARER! Granted, one pic is indoors, one is out.. But that's because I was too depressed to leave my room at all. Another difference! My hair is lighter, which happens when I'm eating healthier and am outside in the sun more! (My hair is SUPER sun-sensitive, and people who are malnourished's hair color quite often turns fades to something more dull)

  So, here's the difference three years and a bit of food and help makes (Do the scrolling from one to the next thing, you can really tell the difference!) :


This makes me feel good about all the work I've been doing. YAY for being the HEALTHY Mary Lynn!! I like her better, anyway. SO. THERE!! :D


PS- Neither of these pictures are edited.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Uncomfortable, to say the least

  So, there's this guy who I don't know very well. My mother is very good friends with him, and has been for a very long time!  Anyway, he's always given me the creeps. I don't know why, and I guess there's no valid reason for me feeling this way- but still, I always feel VERY uncomfortable around him. Luckily, it's very rare that I even see him. His name is Ed. No, I don't mean my Eating Disorder "Ed"- This one is a real dude. 

  Now, Ed is currently jobless. My mother talked to him, and.. He's going to be living with us now, for "at least a few months". IN. OUR. HOUSE.  I am NOT comfortable with this, I'm overflowing with anxiety, and I don't know what to do! I suppose there's nothing I CAN do, but that doesn't change my obviously messed up radar from going HAYWIRE on me! I just feel this fear I can't explain. I seriously have no reason to feel this way. I'm going crazy just thinking about it. I'm not okay with it, I wish someone could just understand the intense emotions I'm feeling, whether valid or not! Just UNDERSTAND that this is too much for me! I'm seriously starting to cry right now. I've never been a crier- but recently, I've gotten quite emotional over certain things.. I'm not sure why this is included in my emotional section, but it is. Why? I have no idea.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Good times, good times...

Tonight I've been playing scrabble with James. Playing Scrabble with the two of us always gets pretty interesting...

James: "Is 'zooerotica' a word? As in erotica, with animals? I'm going to Google it."

James (three minutes later): "Well, it's not a word, but there are PLENTY of websites for it..." :/

Later-

James: "What about '
queerotica'- is that a word? ... As in 'queer' and 'erotica'?"

MaryLynn: "...Go Google it."

 


Friday, April 9, 2010

New LIFE-SAVING methods!!!

     'Let's eat Grandma!!'

 or

   'Let's eat, Grandma!'

...

  Punctuation saves lives.

......................

**Please, warn your children about the dangers 
of improper grammar. Statistics show that the 
number of grammar-related deaths
this past year alone has been skyrocketing. 
Don't become a statistic.
Teach your  family. Teach your children. Save a life.
Together, we CAN make a difference!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

One week at a time..

I am having a really crappy week. First, my therapist, Ali, had her baby 3 weeks earlier than expected- which is totally great for her! A beautiful, healthy baby girl named Claire! I know- Precious!! However, for ME, this means that I no longer have a therapist. Like, AT ALL. IDK what I'm going to do, I'm supposed to be seeing one twice a week, not none 0 times a week. 'Fer Reelz.
Then, of course, today I lost my dietitian, Lauren. She won't see me anymore because I've lost weight the past few weeks- not meaningfully, though! So this week I kicked my own ass into gear and TOTALLY followed that meal plan! I did get my weight back to where Lauren isn't going to freak out... but that doesn't matter, Apparently, during the week, the OP Tx team had a meeting, and decided that I'm not good enough to be seeing Lauren, anymore. Lauren says she sees that I'm trying, and would love to continue seeing me, but it isn't her call. Who's call is it? A group of people who have never even SEEN me in their entire lives. SERIOUSLY?!!?!  Plus I've had a migraine headache for what has to be like a month or something by now,  And I'm pretty sure my mono has flared up again, so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow- orrr.. technically, today. I'm so tired ALL of the time. It's ridic! And I've had the hiccups for at least a week, now.. THAT'S not normal.. Silly, Mary Lynn-  Trix are for kids!  Also, as Ali is MIA for a while, Group has been moved to Wednesday nights.. Which I can't do.

So, to wrap it all up: No Therapist. No Dietitian. No more Tues night group. Having trouble gaining weight. Fate determined by strangers. Migraine headache for month+.  Hiccups for weeks. Can't stay awake- AKA can't function normally. Had a fever today. I'm kind of depressed now.. Oh, and for the grand finale- I can only chew on one side of my mouth, as I have to get a root canal soon. Oh, happy day...

Life is bliss.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Seriously?

 
  Today I took a test on Facebook, which rated my level of English grammar. Now, we all know that I'm a grammar Nazi, yet it claims I missed one! I went through and took the test four more times, but it insists I missed one!! They messed up. I quadruple checked, and all of my answers were definitely correct. Also, they used improper...... grammar in most of the questions. I'm seriously upset by this, what has this world come to?

  I understand that it's just a silly Facebook quiz, but it's testing grammar, which the maker very obviously doesn't know. I can also understand that people make mistakes. I make mistakes, that's for sure! The difference is that I KNOW it, and try my best to use it.. They seriously think it's proper grammar. This is extremely upsetting to me! What have we come to?? Are we back to the cavemen days? Should we all just forget about proper speech and go back to grunting and drawing pictures on walls to communicate? This is ridiculous.

  Now, I don't mean to say that we are all a bunch of hillbillies- We aren't. I'm a cluts. I've fallen down stair more times than you could imagine! But guess what? I know how to walk. I know how to effectively get down a flight of stairs. I mess up, but I do my best. Also,  I don't always play my instruments perfectly..  Yet I know how. I've taken probably at least hundreds of hours working on it. It's something very important for me, so I've taken the time to learn it. Communication is naturally an important piece of everyone's life- Please, take the time to learn it!




 "Our Modern Day Geniuses"





  This one, I don't even want to talk about. This cat claims to have proper English skills, but in the few sentences written, it already displays the ignorance of mankind. It's missing the comma between "numbered," and "humans."
Our days are not numbered humans. They are numbered, and the sentence is directed toward humans. Grr! In simply trying to find an image displaying proper English, I've only run across the opposite. Yet another example of our civilization going down the drain...

That is all.

......................

**Please, warn your children about the dangers 
of improper grammar. The number of grammar related deaths,
this past year alone, has been skyrocketing. 
Don't become a statistic.
Teach your  family. Teach your children. Save a life.
Together, we CAN make a difference!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Jacksonian!

This is my cousin's son, Jackson- Or, as I like to call him, Jacksonian. He's currently in Preschool. Oh, did I mention he's a GENIUS? He's at at about an end-of-first-grade reading level- and I'd say about mid first grade math level. I was seriously blown away by him! Anyway, I thought I'd share this. Don't forget to scroll to the bottom of this page and turn off the music so you can hear him!


Friday, March 26, 2010

Sara

I was recently told by my cousin, Sara, that her life was lacking fulfillment because of my lack of blogging lately (Okay, so maybe you just said you get bored not having more to read... but I like my wording better!), so I decided to make a new post. Of what, you ask? I have no idea. I'm too lazy to actually write about something meaningful, so I'm not going to. Plus I'm too off-of-my-meds to be able to think straight, so anything other than nonsense would just be.. Well, nonsensical! Soo.. This nonsense is for you.



A frog, chillaxin' on a lily pad. 





An Apple-Butter-Fly.




a pear, made of various fruits.




...And this.




Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Simply too amazingly AWESOME to pass up! Yes. It's epic, I know. :)
 





<3 Mel

Thursday, March 4, 2010

ASL :)

(Please turn off the music at the bottom of this page to listen!) :)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Letter of Hope

This is my letter of hope- It's a letter we write to the present and future girls at CFC when we are leaving the Center. I just thought I'd share mine:

When I first began my journey at the Center, I was terrified, to say the least. I was afraid that they'd take away the only life I knew. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of succeeding. I was afraid of the unknown.. And most of all, I was afraid that I'd never find myself again- that my soul had already died, and even if I tried my hardest, I'd still be powerless against this monster.

This is one of the things I had to learn for myself. Over time, I've come to realize that though sometimes it feels as if our very entity is wasting away, our souls are still stronger than we think. The worth and importance of us- of you, of your soul, is immeasurable.
And so it never dies.

When I look at each one of you, I see a perfect world shining your eyes. I only wish you could see it in yourselves, as well. If we only find the love within ourselves, then anywhere we go, we're home. Though sometimes it seems impossible to imagine, we CAN get through the darkness and find our way. Love will find a way. Happiness will find a way. Hope will find a way.

So, if you aren't happy with the direction you're going in, change the direction you're going in. If things aren't going the way you want, fight for the change you do want.

You are the one in charge of your own destiny. It's up to you to make the things happen in your life that you want to have happen. Happiness is found from within yourself and those choices that you make.

I've personally learned that if you aren't sure what to do, the best thing to do is to get down on your knees and ask for help. Your higher power is always there and willing to help, as long as you are willing to let him. (or her!)

It's tough, but with patience and a willingness to work, the pain will ease. I know each of us has endured many seemingly unfair trials and given more pain than we feel it possible to handle in our lives- but each one of us has remained standing strong through the storm. We don't always understand the why's, but with time- and if we are willing- we can learn from each one. If we choose to learn from those and hold on to those fond memories of the happy times in life, life will once again be all you can imagine and MORE.

So, if you're going to doubt something, doubt your limits.. Because you are truly limitless.

I have confidence in all of you and your capabilities, and I hope you can, too.

As I finish writing this, I realize that it's a bit scattered.. and that's okay. We aren't striving for perfection.. Just for love and hope that it will get better.

And it will.


♥ Mary Lynn Bennett