One month

Oh my goodness, I haven't posted in like FOREVER! Okay, so here's just the last MONTH of life:
My mom got married!! AND sold my childhood home (not loving that part). AANNDD she, Faith, and Dave (her new HUSBAND) moved to Bountiful! It's been so crazy and hectic! And Faith Anne went to Boston with our dad and Elisabeth for the summer! And.. school's out! I miss my kids so so much!! I'm working at a low income school for the summer program (which ends tomorrow! Oh no!), and it's been very challenging. Most of my students are refugees from different countries. I have students from Somalia, Ethiopia, India, Afghanistan, China, and then three from Mexico. I don't have any white kids, lol! Most of them are sufficient in English, but I have two who know almost nothing. One is a quiet but VERY stubborn boy from China (who likes to hit), and the most challenging is the little girl from Afghanistan. She knows her alphabet & can count pretty high. Other than that, she only knows a few words. She can say water, bathroom, shut up, hit, mean, go, good, teacher, class, me, you, no, sit, stop, okay, and a few body parts. Other than that, nothing- though she's very good at mimicking, which is a great skill when you're learning a language! Anyway.. The communication barrier makes doing everything SO difficult! Oh, and just because she knows the words "no," and "stop," doesn't means she cares that I'm saying them to her.

I just applied for another job working with kids at a daycare near Liberty Park. I'm excited, the schedule would work perfectly around working at the school, and I really need the extra income! Anyway, life over here feels pretty crazy right now. I'm just glad I have a therapist! Hehe!

Loves! MaryLynn

Eruptions

I'm in a writing mode. I think it's because I forgot to take my meds this morning, as I'm always so much more creative & expressive when I'm not on them. They're most definitely a necessity for me, but it's nice to let myself go every now and then, get it all out.
I'm sorry my thought are a bit scattered here. It's 5:00am, and I have yet to sleep. I couldn't.. My brain just wanted to erupt, so I'm finally just letting it.

Things are going pretty well right now.
It's hard for me to live in such a structured way, though. I'm too free spirited, I need to be running ad exploring the world. I need to express myself. I need to run wild until I can't anymore, then do it again. I'm not built for structure. But I handle it.

  When I'm not at work or anything, I just want to do anything and everything I can. It's kind of a catch 22, though.. Whatever that means.  I have such social anxiety, it's hard for me to get out unless I'm with someone else. I have yet to find someone who will chase the air with me, just because we can. And so I am trapped by my own fears. It's odd, actually. I don't really fear anything. I can do anything, I want to do EVERYTHING! Go bungee jumping, sky diving, mountain climbing.. None of these things make me feel afraid. Except.. People. Rejection. Isolation. Ridicule.
I'm not controlled by my mind- I'm controlled by my emotions.

  I was a really weird kid, I wasn't liked at all. I was home schooled at first, which was GREAT. I was way ahead of the class in most areas (other than math.. UGH). I loved being home-schooled, and it obviously taught me a LOT. However, it did not teach me social skills.

  I didn't know what was socially acceptable, and what wasn't.  I didn't understand that you were supposed to dress in a similar fashion as others. I didn't understand what was appropriate and what wasn't. I didn't understand that some things made people uncomfortable, it just didn't make sense.
I was so agonizingly scared & shy that I couldn't even raise my hand to talk to the teacher. I would walk up to her quietly and tug on her shirt a bit. I was awkward, and no one really liked me much. I never really fit in until high school. Because of this, my biggest fear is.. You guessed it. REJECTION. It's so hard for me. Even the slightest rejection makes me want to cry. It's a little annoying to me, actually.. Lol.

  I digress.

ANYway.. I have this strong urge to just blow this joint and escape the country for a while, though.. No particular reason, I just want to experience something else, something other than what I think as norm for me. It's really weird to have such a sudden strong urge! Not sure why I told you that, but I did.
Other than my odd 'cravings,' life is pretty good. I'm in love with the kids I work with- they're SO great! They make me so happy. :)
It's great to have kind co-workers as well! Well, mostly. There's one who is kind of rude to me when others aren't around or aren't really paying attention. Just little things, but she's quite belittling. I hate working with her, but you get what you get! The rest of them are awesome! Story of my life... Lol.

  I'm doing well with my ED. My dietitian is on maternity leave, so I guess I'm not sure if I'm doing well weight-wise, but I think I am. I'm going to see her.. This Saturday? Next? I'm forget. Sometime soon. I see my therapist about twice a month now. I simply don't need her as much. It's odd, really- but good. A year and a half ago, I was so bad that I had to see a dietitian once a week, an ED specialist Doctor once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist TWICE a week- though she wanted to get me in for three times a week. Now  I'm seeing my dietitian roughly 1-2x/mo, my therapist 1-2x/mo, my MD every other month if that, and my psychiatrist once every six months or so.
I never thought this possible.. Or at least not so soon. I've been struggling with this for so long.. 11 years, for heaven's sake! In & out of hospitals, not able to go to school, not even able to hold down a job.. My life taken over by this THING. Then along comes CFC. THREE MONTHS. That's it. That's how long it took to get me well on my way to recovery. That's what saved my life. Three. Freaking. Months.
It's just amazing how different I am now. How much healthier I am.. How much HAPPIER I am!
Life. Confusing? yes. Hard? hell yes. Frustrating- as much as it could be. And Good?
YES. Life is so good.

Remember that.

Life as of Lately

  Man, I have had so much anxiety lately! Life is the same as it's been for a while: Institute (When I get up in time!), Work (Which I LOVE!),  FHE @ church, or whatever I have planned for the evening, Home, eat, watch TV, Facebook, eat, and go to bed.. after 3 hours of surfing the web and filling my brain with all the knowledge I can.

  It's not like I have a big stressor in my life or anything.. I'm just stressed! Everything seems harder than it's been in the recent past.

  My Bishop stopped paying for therapy, group, and my dietitian at the end of January. I also just switched wards, so he couldn't help if he wanted to, as he is no longer my bishop. I think this is what's making it hard for me. I feel like I don't have any support, I feel lonely and a little betrayed. My therapist hasn't even bothered to email me and see how I'm doing. All of my old therapists would help me through it and help me find a way. I thought I had a close connection with Cheryl (therapist), but apparently not. I don't know what's going on with that.

  My dietitian did check up on me to see what was going on, so that helped.. Just knowing someone remembered about me and still wanted to help, even though I'm not currently paying her to. She's so great.. And she's 8 1/2 months preggo! She's awesome! I'm planning to see her next Thursday, even though it's super expensive. I realized my recovery and health are more important than my money. I really need help, so I'm so happy I can see her before she has her baby boy! ..That is, if he doesn't decide to pop out and make an arrival early! Hehe :)

  I'm struggling. It's hard for me to admit it, but I need to. It's hard for me to eat because of my high stress levels I think. Food just doesn't look appetizing at all to me. I know it's most likely psychological, but it's still a reality for me.. An annoying one, at that. I feel nauseous when I eat a lot of the time now. It's so difficult! I feel like I've been losing weight because of it, but I don't actually know. I hope not! I need to keep my weight up so I can be healthy, and therefore more happy!

  My boss pulled me aside the other day. She said she was concerned about me. She said I've been shaking (which I haven't noticed), I'm pale, I'm more spacey than usual, and I look like I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't realize you could tell at all, but she could. Estephanie (My boss) even talked to her boss (So my bosses boss, AKA the vice principal), because she (vice principal) said she'd noticed as well. The next day the pulled me aside into Jana(Vice principal)'s office, and spoke with me. They let me know they were concerned, and wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help me out, and how they could support me.

  Though there's really not much they can do, it really helped me to know there were people who cared, who were there to support me. I almost cried because I had been feeling so alone, and then someone cared. I'm kind of a crier, though. I try not to, but when I'm in a situation that's stressful, I get teary eyed from being so over-anxious. Ah, well.

  It's actually a bit easier now that I feel like there are people there to support me and help me if I need it. Tonight (Tues) I'm meeting with my bishop. I'm SUPER scared to do it, but I really need to talk to him about my situation and see if he can help out at all.

  I've been trying to go to a cheaper group @ LDS fam services on Wednesdays, but it's hard for me to part with the money I so badly need to pay off my debt! Again, I just keep telling myself that my well-being is more important than silly money.

  In other, unrelated news, I'm making cute clothes now! I just barely started, but I'm super excited. I'm hoping it will be a good outlet for relieving my stress! I'll put a picture up soon. It's adorable.

  Okay, the end.
 In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN! :P
 Hehe ;)

Missing my little 'Cougars' and 'Cheetahs'...

Writhing in misery.. I'm no longer allowed to go to work until I get a signed note from my neurologist stating that, with my epilepsy, it's safe for me to be working with children. This is a bunch of crap! I LOVE work, I'm seriously in physical pain and feel like I'm gonna barf (Not purposefully..) because it makes me so sick to have to be away from my kids. I've been crying for hours, now. Did you know that it takes 6-8 months on average to get an apt with a given neurologist? Luckily, it looks like getting a not only takes a few weeks.. Which I started trying to get a few weeks ago. Hopefully soon.. Then, on TOP of that, they're sending me a bunch of paperwork to fill out and want me to release my medical records for them. I can't release my medical records, and they can't make me! Pretty sure that's against the ADA. Normally I wouldn't care, but I've been in the psych ward more times than I can count (literally) for my Eating Disorder, and I feel like once they see how many times I've been admitted to Psych wards, they'll think I'm unstable, and therefore not suitable to work with children. Doesn't matter that it was just because of an ED, it's still a psych ward. I can't release that information to them, and I don't have to.. What the heck is this crap? I mean, I'm grateful that I'm still getting paid while all this drama is going on, but I don't care. I'd rather go to work and not get paid than not go to work and get paid for it. I just want to go to work. I want my kids back.

Jackson Jump?

So my coordinator at work, Estephanie, got an email from the district office a few days ago.. Apparently they want me to start a jump team at Jackson Elem! Exciting, right?
It'll be hard starting w/ new kids (they don't have experience, so they can't help others), but It can be done!

It sounds like we're going to be able to have auditions for it (thank goodness!), but only kids currently in the after-school program can try out. Not sure how I feel about that vs what I'm used to.
At Magna Elem, all 3-6 graders could try out, so we could really pick and choose the best ones- and there were older, more experienced kids, who could help out the newer ones. I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing, I feel like they may have these huge expectations of me.. What if I can't live up to those? What if there aren't enough kids in there with rhythm and potential talent? What if we don't find good speed ropes and can't do it? What if, for some reason, the whole thing fails miserably?

Geez, I can get myself so worked up over these things! I've done JT for five years. I've been missing it a lot. I LOVE coaching JT. Why am I so nervous, then??
Probably because it's different. Though I've done it before, it's new. It's change.
I've found a pattern in myself, which I've been telling myself I want to change. I tend to shy away from almost anything and everything involving change (Probably the reason I haven't worked on this pattern; that would involve changing!).
Why? Who in the heck knows.

Mary Lynn, you're a big kid. You can do this. You can deal with change. You've made a lot of changes in the past year, and you've managed to survive. No need to panic, ML. No need to freak out.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
CHILL.