Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Life as of Lately

  Man, I have had so much anxiety lately! Life is the same as it's been for a while: Institute (When I get up in time!), Work (Which I LOVE!),  FHE @ church, or whatever I have planned for the evening, Home, eat, watch TV, Facebook, eat, and go to bed.. after 3 hours of surfing the web and filling my brain with all the knowledge I can.

  It's not like I have a big stressor in my life or anything.. I'm just stressed! Everything seems harder than it's been in the recent past.

  My Bishop stopped paying for therapy, group, and my dietitian at the end of January. I also just switched wards, so he couldn't help if he wanted to, as he is no longer my bishop. I think this is what's making it hard for me. I feel like I don't have any support, I feel lonely and a little betrayed. My therapist hasn't even bothered to email me and see how I'm doing. All of my old therapists would help me through it and help me find a way. I thought I had a close connection with Cheryl (therapist), but apparently not. I don't know what's going on with that.

  My dietitian did check up on me to see what was going on, so that helped.. Just knowing someone remembered about me and still wanted to help, even though I'm not currently paying her to. She's so great.. And she's 8 1/2 months preggo! She's awesome! I'm planning to see her next Thursday, even though it's super expensive. I realized my recovery and health are more important than my money. I really need help, so I'm so happy I can see her before she has her baby boy! ..That is, if he doesn't decide to pop out and make an arrival early! Hehe :)

  I'm struggling. It's hard for me to admit it, but I need to. It's hard for me to eat because of my high stress levels I think. Food just doesn't look appetizing at all to me. I know it's most likely psychological, but it's still a reality for me.. An annoying one, at that. I feel nauseous when I eat a lot of the time now. It's so difficult! I feel like I've been losing weight because of it, but I don't actually know. I hope not! I need to keep my weight up so I can be healthy, and therefore more happy!

  My boss pulled me aside the other day. She said she was concerned about me. She said I've been shaking (which I haven't noticed), I'm pale, I'm more spacey than usual, and I look like I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't realize you could tell at all, but she could. Estephanie (My boss) even talked to her boss (So my bosses boss, AKA the vice principal), because she (vice principal) said she'd noticed as well. The next day the pulled me aside into Jana(Vice principal)'s office, and spoke with me. They let me know they were concerned, and wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help me out, and how they could support me.

  Though there's really not much they can do, it really helped me to know there were people who cared, who were there to support me. I almost cried because I had been feeling so alone, and then someone cared. I'm kind of a crier, though. I try not to, but when I'm in a situation that's stressful, I get teary eyed from being so over-anxious. Ah, well.

  It's actually a bit easier now that I feel like there are people there to support me and help me if I need it. Tonight (Tues) I'm meeting with my bishop. I'm SUPER scared to do it, but I really need to talk to him about my situation and see if he can help out at all.

  I've been trying to go to a cheaper group @ LDS fam services on Wednesdays, but it's hard for me to part with the money I so badly need to pay off my debt! Again, I just keep telling myself that my well-being is more important than silly money.

  In other, unrelated news, I'm making cute clothes now! I just barely started, but I'm super excited. I'm hoping it will be a good outlet for relieving my stress! I'll put a picture up soon. It's adorable.

  Okay, the end.
 In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN! :P
 Hehe ;)


firefly said...

Mary Lynn: Sounds like things are hard for you right now. Change is a constant stressor and I know all about trying to get the bills paid. Hang in there. Do you give the kids snacks during program hours? It might be good for you to have snack with them. It's showing them good role modeling and for me it has been easier to say yes when the kids are insistant you eat with them. Hang in there and keep fighting!!!

Anonymous said...

I know my responce is super late. I would still love to wrap you up in a big huge! And it's ok if you get teary eyed. Im known for it myself.
The stress of money for bills vs therapy is always a really hard one! I have had to often go without paying a bill just to attend therapy. I see it as that bill can sit there as long as it needs till it gets paid. But I can't. When I need help I need it now. Im worth more then to put getting help off. Plus if I dont put the $50 -$100 towards myself now, it's going to turn into thousands for treatment again, or worse.... death.
It's a step in the right direction that you can now recognize when you are having a hard time and can admit it. It's hard and uncomfotable. I know we are just getting to know each other and it can be scary. Know that I am here for you. We are here for each other. :)
Thank you for your honesty in your blog!

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