Fighting

I'm fighting
Fighting myself
Fighting this demon, inside of me
I need to get rid of him
He's making me weak
This monster is all I can see

I'm getting so sick
..He's killing me
This sadness engulfs me..
Come set me FREE!

I never wanted it to go this far
And now I am stuck
Behind these inner bars

I'm trapped in these walls
Of Iron, of Steel
I want to get out
I just want to FEEL!

I'm fighting for freedom
Each and every day
This monster inside me
Will NEVER get his way

I'm fighting for freedom
I'm fighting for Strife
I'm lighting for love
..I'm fighting for LIFE.

"Life makes you Bolder, Children get older.. I'm getting older, too.."

SO
Today is my friend, Jessica,'s birthday.
She is eighteen!
And she is the first of my close friends to turn eighteen. (The rest of us all have our birthdays within the next 2-3 months, now- all in a row) (lol)
Anyway.. It kind of makes me stop and think
Time really flies by so quickly
I mean.. It's my senor year in HS. As soon as this year is over, I'm done. Like, FINISHED. Thrown into the world.
That is SO scary
And I'm going to be eighteen in two months. Can you believe that? EIGHTEEN.
Like, as in, an adult. OFFICIALLY. Like, as in, no longer a young woman. I mean, I can still attend YW's, 'till the end of the school year- but I'm not going to actually BE a YW. THAT is SCARY.
Also, no Medical insurance, once I turn 18. My insurance is for children, only. THAT is NOT going to be good!
Gosh, I just feel like I'm growing up too fast! It is FREAKING me OUT!
And once I graduate, all my friends.. what will happen to them? What will happen to US? How do I know I'll ever see them again? How can I be sure we'll remember to keep in touch?
And all the guys will be leaving on missions. What then? No guys, for two years?
And what about college? I have no money, for that! I'm not especially good at anything, or at least, not good enough for scholarship.. so what in the world am I supposed to do?
And I have to move out. What? Move out? WHERE to? NO clue! How frightening!
And how am I supposed to pay for any medical bills? I can't!
We only have so long to live, and it's slipping away, like sand through our fingers..
I feel like I just want to go back to being a little kid, again. No worries.. Not a care, in the world.
WHEN did I grow up? When did I cross the line from being a child?
WHEN did THIS happen? I never agreed to ANY of it!
Give me my childhood back! I'm not ready to grow up, yet.
I feel like I'm a child from Peter Pan "I'll NEVER grow up!"
And yet, I must.

... but why does it have to be so soon?

What ever happened to my two- weeks notice?

My View on Pity

Alright, so today, in my daily conversations, someone mentioned how they feel so sorry for someone else, and it just made me think...
We ALL have our trials and obstacles, whether obvious or not, physical, mental, spiritual, or even financial- it's still the same. I think that we, as people, should not take pity on another OR ourselves. If there is a situation you can help, then help! If there is a situation you can fix, fix it! If there is nothing you can do but show your love, then, by all means, show love!! But that is still no reason for pity. Pity just makes people feel bad, and look at the negatives. Oh, so sad for this person, so sad for that animal, so sad for perhaps even yourself.
But where does that get us, as a community?
Where does that get us, as people?
HOW can that help ANYONE?
Helping is great, giving is great, loving is great-
But PITY is not. :)

...Just a thought...
-Mary Lynn

Dad

When I was only eight years old,
My daddy went away.
He swore he'd always love me,
But said he couldn't stay.

Days turned into weeks
And weeks turned into years.
I hardly saw my father,
He never saw my tears.

He never read me bedtime stories
Or tucked me in at night.
He didn't showed up for my birthdays,
Though I always hoped he might.

He missed my first day of school
And all of my school plays.
He doesn't know how much I miss him,
Each and every day.

It's almost time for college now,
The years go by so fast.
I'm looking forward to my future,
But trapped within my past.

I guess I'll never understand
Why it has to be so sad
My parents didn't get along
But why did I lose my dad?

Sunshine

The world gives me reasons
To shout, scream and cry
But the Sunshine always
Make my worries go by

The Sunshine is like an angel
It touches my very Soul
It gives me a reason to smile
Makes me complete and whole

The Sunshine is like a sound
It synchronizes the music in me
I get great cause to celebrate
As it sets my spirit free

No matter whether day or night
The Sunshine's always there
Making the cruel world all around
Look so pretty and fair

My Sunshine is soft and gentle
It's snug and soothing, too
It takes my sorrows off of me
My Sunshine, Lord, is you!

Random cookie baking

So
I was in a particularly happy and joyous mood today, and decided to make my family chocolate chip cookies! (Those are a favorite here!)
So, I'm spending all day making ALL these cookies, right?
I even had to stop & run to the store for baking soda (we were completely out!).
So, I'm finishing up the last batch, right?
..And these ones look a little funny, for some reason (I think I put too much baking soda in, since people were picking at the dough the whole time, while I was gone!)
ANYway,
I mention something about it to my mother, who just happened to be walking past.
I think I said something like "The cookies look.. disfigured. I hope they don't taste different!"
And do you KNOW what my mom said!?
"Maybe they're disfigured 'cause they take after YOU. And it doesn't matter if they taste gross- you'll be throwing them up afterward, anyway!!"

OH.
MY.
GOSH.

I can't believe she said that!
I just stared at her for a minute.
then she was like "You have that look on your face that faith (my 8 year old sister) gets when she isn't sure if I'm joking or serious."
.. and then she walked away.
I am SO pissed right now!
Like, I can't even put into words how I feel.
It is just so AWFUL!

Aauugghh
I just don't know what to do!


....
..THIS is NOT helping me in recovery.
It's pushing me back

I'm so upset.


Oh, man.. I have the WORST headache you could IMAGINE
..for the fifteenth time, this WEEK.

UGH.

Back from EFY!

I'm back from EFY!
I must say, it was single-handedly, the most spiritual, learning, and amazing experience ever. I am just so humbled, right now.
My testimony has grown SO much, this week.
I love you all so much!
And, guess what?
I KNOW this church is true. And I sure hope YOU do, too.
WE are children of God. Do you realize how amazing that it? We are SO blessed!
We need to stay together- unify- we are SO strong. We are an ARMY.
We aren't marching into battle..
We are already fighting, on the front line.
Do you realize this? We are LITERALLY, in the middle of the greatest battle of ALL time.
It's OUR time to stand up, it's OUR time to SHINE.
There is power in number...
There is POWER IN PURITY.


Here are some lovely quotes that I jotted down, while I was there. They are really good!

"The chief cause of failure of happiness is trading what you want MOST, for what you want at the moment."

"If you ever have a problem, all you need to do is ask TWO questions:
1. Have I prayed about it? 2. Am I reading my scriptures?"

"Life is a mission, not a career!"

"Forget yourself, and get to work (helping others come to the church)"

"If there is something you want, you must take initiative!"

"We are WASTING our time if all we do is come here, sit, listen, read, and WAIT to be inspired! We need to reach inside our souls, and FIND it!"

"If you don't know where you're going, then ANY road you take, you'll get there!"

"Where there is no vision, people will perish."

"Don't be fooled into thinking that you are LESS than you really ARE."

"We have promises to keep, and MILES to go, before we can sleep"

"It's hard to wander away when you're on your knees!"

"The greatest gift-- the greatest POWER we have, today, is the POWER of PURITY."

"Don't settle for less than what you ARE!"

"What we are is more important than what we've been. What we can become is more important than what we are."

"Just because you aren't in a perfect situation, or don't come from a perfect family, doesn't mean YOU can't be perfect!"

"Answers WILL come.. Testimony WILL grow... Strength WILL enlarge."

"Let your heart not be troubled, neither be afraid."

"I WANT an added power, to make me WANT to obey!"

"EVERY problem we may have, every trial, every question, is ANSWERED, in the scriptures."

"FORGIVE, and you WILL be blessed."



Remember who you are.
Always.

Mirror

I'm looking in my mirror
There's a girl in there tonight
Shes breaking apart so quickly
And nothing can make it alright

Her eyes are red and swollen
Mascara bleeding down her face
She'll never let them know
That shes feeling out of place

She asks
'Mirror, on the wall
Who is
The biggest fool of all'

Maybe it's the girl
Crying her life away
Or maybe its the boy
Who's mind has been lead astray

There's this girl in my mirror
With tears she can no longer hide
She can't pretend any longer
Because nothing is alright.

Youth Conference

I'm back from Youth Conference/ Camp!!
YAY! It was SO SO SO much fun!
Haha- so, we are almost there, and this huge truck/ trailer gets stuck three feet in the mud! Needless to say, we had to sit at a(n outdoor) rest stop for three & a half hours, in the BLAZING hot sun! Finally we get the okay to go, and we head up (in a different car, since the lady driving us decided to drop us off and leave :P), and the road still has some mudslide remains (There were like six of them). Also needless to say, the SUV we were in just about slid right off the canyon road.. twice!
So, we are ALMOST there, and it suddenly starts to rain. Did I say rain? I meant POUR!
Luckily, the guys that had gotten up there ahead of the truck had set up our tents for us (PHEW!)
... But that didn't help my poor pillow! It got SOAKED! Eeek!
So, that day was kinda shot... But it was such an adventure- I LOVED it!!
The next day went great! Got a little sunburned, but it was just a BLAST! I can't even TELL you the fun we had!
So, this morning, we're coming home, right? And this BEAR walks out, right in front of the car! It just walks across the road, and swings on the road's railing, on its way down. It was CRAZY! And so cute! It was a baby bear, maybe 4- 4 1/2 feet tall. LOVED it!

Any, that's the story! GOTTA love it!!
:D



-Mary Lynn!!

The Son

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
It's hard to understand
How all of this is real.

A smile from every laugh
Yet a frown from every tear.
I don't know which I've benefited
From most this year.

There's been nights that I have mourned
Nights that I have cried
But the feelings that I've felt
These feelings deep inside,

They remind me who I am
And remind me why I fight.
For at the end of each dark tunnel
There is a light.

If I set aside my pain
And put aside my sorrow
There's a lesson to be learned
Which will help with life tomorrow.

There's always a battle to be fought,
And always a struggle to be won.
But if I turn to the light,
..I'll find it is The Son.

If I give Him my whole heart,
And reach with all my might,
He'll embrace me in His arms,
And forever hold me tight.

There's so much that I think,
And so much that I feel.
So I turn to He who loves me,
And know my happiness is real.

Now I know what I've benefited from most this year
It's the times that have been hard.
The times that without Him,
my life would have been left scarred.

I know His love is real.
I know His words are true.
And if you turn to Him,
He will gladly comfort you.

The Way Life is

Maybe I'll never know why..
Perhaps I'll never have the clarity to see..
Or the capability of understanding such things..
I might sit here crying now, unaware of the uncertainties.
How many times can a soul be broken..
Until it's rendered useless..
..'Til it has no more room to love and trust any longer?..
I may go on clinging to a hope that fails to even exist..
Maybe I can still hold on to a friendship I hold so dear..
..Though much time has been lost...
Why, oh why, does this sadness engulf me now, like a monsoon,..
..Drowning me beneath the bitter cold waters of loneliness?..
How will I ever comprehend the actions or thoughts or feeling of others..
..If I can't even recognize MY OWN?!..
When will this painstaking yet numbing sensation subside..
..And leave my side, so that I can bask in the rays of joy again?
Perhaps, inferiority, paranoia, & insecurity have taken a hold of me now..
What can I do when I'm left to underestimate the loved ones in my life..
..Who have all but seemingly put up the walls that sever our ties??..
Maybe, I'm being punished and subtly blamed for all the backs I have turned many a time before, myself.
How many times can I whisper and shout, before they just stop caring..
How long and how far can I go on trying to win them back and hold again, what we once had??
Well, I suppose God only knows..
..Perhaps... This is just the way life is..

Living Life

...I'm just a daughter of God simply trying to live this life He's blessed me with, to the fullest..... Some days i feel like I'm just making it by with what i have, surviving, existing..But then there are those days when i know there's a purpose to why I'm here..... Quite random and fickle, i like to find smiles and giggles in even the smallest of things..... Life's too short, and sometimes i forget that..... I don't follow status quo or the 'normal' life whatever normal is......Sometimes a wallflower, and then at times a social butterfly,....... I'll laugh or cry without notice........I long to love and be loved everyday even in the littlest ways.......I step each step of faith beside the one who LOVES me best, Jesus Christ... Just an average girl who evolves herself around different people, whether broken or mended... I can talk and read and write and pray with abandon, just because that's what i like to do... Friends have come and have gone away, and I've treasured the ones who've stuck by my side on my good days and in the rain... I enjoy long conversations over coffee and a newspaper... I never care if i get caught in the rain... I know God's transforming me into that beautiful butterfly, because right now I'm pretty much that caterpillar in its cocoon... I'm the girl who will think too much and just need to slow down and know that everything will be okay because God cares,
because
God is Love.

What is Happiness?

It has come to my awareness lately,
That I have forgotten what happiness is.
I have forgotten what it's like to smile in the midst of great pain and struggle...
I have forgotten how it feels to laugh in times that wouldn't normally call for laughter...
I have lost touch of those times I used to crack up laughing..
at the stupidest, silliest things that surrounded me...

And let it be known----I miss laughter.
I miss the smiles and the joy...
I reminisce on simpler times of childhood and the freedom I once truly felt..
I long for the days--again--to be the girl who was called the "class clown"..
and the "all-time goof ball"...
I don't know what happened to her...

Somehow, caught in the middle of an all-consuming eating disorder and the torment it has created,
I have stopped laughing..
stopped smiling--… TRULY smiling..
Have ceased to tell a good joke over McDonalds french fries with ketchup and a soda with friends...
-----Because, truth be known.. such things would only give panic attacks now..
...BUT I WANT THINGS TO BE DIFFERENT ...
..& I'll be darned if I get stuck in this torrential downpour any longer..
...Leaving me without room to breathe..
---And with room to LAUGH AGAIN..
So dang it.. Here I go again with the humor.

--contrary what others may say or think-- how it may look .. I WILL CHOOSE TO LAUGH---
--------------no matter how stupid I look &/or sound-------


I think sometimes doctors just need to STOP dispensing Rx's like freakin' candy..& start prescribing laughter.
THAT may just solve the worlds problems.

Mirror, Mirror

I look in the mirror, to see a false perception.
What have you done to me?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder..
Mirror Mirror...
You have broken me...
Crimson red finds a clear view.
A tale of a girl and her broken mirror...
Life beyond reflecting its hate.
Mirror Mirror...
My hate has escaped.
Crimson red covers me in despair...
What have you done to me?
My false perception has fooled the loved
And spoiled the hated.
Mirror Mirror...
I part to see my evil twin,
In which you have left me
To gaze upon for so long.
Mirror Mirror...
Your false perception has fooled me..
I was the wrong doer who found
Myself gazing at you from a new point of view.

Confused

I'm so confused.... I'm feeling like-- How can God love me, if I can't even love MYSELF? .. But I KNOW that he DOES, no matter what-- and now it's MY turn! And I really AM blessed, just to KNOW that god really IS there, and really DOES love me! I don't know WHERE I would be, not knowing that-- but it definitely wouldn't be where I am today. Actually, I probably wouldn't even be alive. But I AM! And I'm so blessed to be! I'm a daughter of god... I'm a daughter of God. I, MARY LYNN BENNETT, AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD!

I say these things, and I truly DO believe them for a fleeting moment-- but then it always goes away. I wish I could just ALWAYS remember! Like, no matter WHAT! I don't WANT to forget who I am-- yet I always seem to, anyway...
I feel like I'm wearing a mask
A mask of confidence, surety, and happiness, for the world to see
But deep inside of me
All my hopes & dreams have been long gone, smashed to the floor
but I have to be perfect on the outside
for the world to see..
And I really AM happy
And I DO love life!
..I just have those days, that everyone really has..
but I even mask those days-
it doesn't matter if it's the best day of my life
or if i just want to fall down & die, right then & there
No one can tell
..Because it's all the same...

You know what I mean? I don't know.. Maybe it's just me

..But it's not like I'm a friggin' drone or something
Because I'm ALWAYS being stupid & silly & crazy- and DIFFERENT than ANY body else! - Only sometimes I just CAN'T DO IT anymore- and I really DO just want to fall down & die- but I DON'T
I just keep going
like a never ending, bottomless hole..
..I can't ever stop..
I WON'T..
story of my life...

His Love

I see the clouds gather
The rain begins to fall
I cry into the wind
I rejoice in it all

The water splashing across my face
Reminds me of the light
That guides the world, in all it does
I know its might

Moving all the heavenly spheres
On their eternal courses
Bringing the weather and the seasons
I see the forces

The rain falling gently
Each drop, a gift from above
Giving life to all
I feel HIS love.