Confused

I'm so confused.... I'm feeling like-- How can God love me, if I can't even love MYSELF? .. But I KNOW that he DOES, no matter what-- and now it's MY turn! And I really AM blessed, just to KNOW that god really IS there, and really DOES love me! I don't know WHERE I would be, not knowing that-- but it definitely wouldn't be where I am today. Actually, I probably wouldn't even be alive. But I AM! And I'm so blessed to be! I'm a daughter of god... I'm a daughter of God. I, MARY LYNN BENNETT, AM A DAUGHTER OF GOD!

I say these things, and I truly DO believe them for a fleeting moment-- but then it always goes away. I wish I could just ALWAYS remember! Like, no matter WHAT! I don't WANT to forget who I am-- yet I always seem to, anyway...
I feel like I'm wearing a mask
A mask of confidence, surety, and happiness, for the world to see
But deep inside of me
All my hopes & dreams have been long gone, smashed to the floor
but I have to be perfect on the outside
for the world to see..
And I really AM happy
And I DO love life!
..I just have those days, that everyone really has..
but I even mask those days-
it doesn't matter if it's the best day of my life
or if i just want to fall down & die, right then & there
No one can tell
..Because it's all the same...

You know what I mean? I don't know.. Maybe it's just me

..But it's not like I'm a friggin' drone or something
Because I'm ALWAYS being stupid & silly & crazy- and DIFFERENT than ANY body else! - Only sometimes I just CAN'T DO IT anymore- and I really DO just want to fall down & die- but I DON'T
I just keep going
like a never ending, bottomless hole..
..I can't ever stop..
I WON'T..
story of my life...