Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Center for Change!!!!! AH!!! :D

I'm headed into CFC ED treatment center TODAY!! It's about time, we've been trying to get me in there for THREE YEARS!! I'm so excited for this amazing opportunity!! To be honest, I'm also QUITE scared.. But if I believe I can do it, I can! And I know I can! I'll be there for a few months:) Snail mail is our friend, so if you wanna write me (And I know you DO!) ♥

"Center for Change-
Mary Lynn Bennett,
1790 North State Street,
Orem, Utah 84057"

(Or just click the title of this post and it'll take you to the CFC website!)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Center For Change

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Happy & Proud!

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just never felt the moment was right to write.

First off are my medical updates:

I've finally been diagnosed with Epilepsy. If it's not one thing, it's another. It DOES explain a LOT though!! I hate this though. I'm not allowed to take baths- If I have an epileptic episode, I'll quickly breath in the water and die. I HATE showers. I always take baths. I think it's a family thing- my big sis Leelou will only take baths, as well as my father. I've still been taking baths. I know it's very dangerous, and it scares me very much- but I just can't do showers- they freak me out.

Also, I'm not allowed to drive within three months of having an epileptic episode. What am I supposed to do without a car?!!? It's okay, I'll drive anyway.
However, it scares me to death every time I drive now. I'm in this panic state, it's awful even thinking about it.

I've recently had the great opportunity to start meeting with a great dietitian, Elena. She's been helping me SO much!! She even got me in to see a psychologist named Wendy. Both Elena and Wendy are Eating Disorder specialists. I'm also going to continue seeing my Social Worker, Miriam and my great doctor (who also specializes in EDs), Lesli. I finally have my support team in place!! Not to mention Alesia, my Psychiatrist. And my Alex! He is SO supportive and helpful! I finally feel like I can do this. I can conquer this time!! 18th time's a charm, right? ha
I've been doing so well in recovery, despite everything that's coming my way! I'm actually proud of myself. I've never liked myself enough to be proud. I can always do better, there's no reason to be proud of myself for being second rate.

I'm not second rate. I'm Mary Lynn. I'm whoever I wish to be. I'm not second rate.
And you know what? For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself.
I can do this.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

You'd BETTER.. ;)

It's long overdue, but here's a video thin I put together of when Alex and I went to see the American Idol Live Tour! ..And you'd better watch it, I just took hours putting this together for you!! And you'll easily be able to tell- Danny Gokey is my FAVORITE!

(A few of the clips are from someone else's camera- for different views:D )

The video isn't working, so just click on the title of this post.


We had a blast!!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Don't ask.. ;)

In a previous post I mentioned how I was very upset about my little pink card holder being stolen at a health fair where my JT girls performed. My mother had given it to me for my nineteenth birthday, and my initials were engraved on it. I loved it, and it was seemingly lost forever. Well a few weeks ago, I got a voice mail from the SouthTowne Mall Security, stating they had a small 'purse' belonging to a MaryLynn Bennett, and that they've had it for a few month- if it wasn't picked up within ten days, the contents would be destroyed. OMG!!! I'm so bemused. I forget EVERYTHING! I left it at a store, probably Wet Seal. Haha, I rock at this. Anyway, I've reconnected to my beautiful Card holder!! I'm so happy! Thar' she blows!:

In other news, my kitty Alecia is HILARIOUS! She always has to be the center of attention. If we are trying to get something done, she will undoubtedly sit right in the middle of what you're doing. Its hard to play board games, because she decides that right in the middle of the game is the optimal place to sit and begin licking her butt. Good kitty. I have a couple examples of it for you:

Faith Anne was doing homework, and needed the rest of it from the bin.. Alecia had other plans.

And here we have Elisabeth drawing a large picture.. Or attempting to, at least!

She's definitely a hilarious kitty!

My next random thought- Sometimes I miss my beautiful long hair.

...But I still love it short!!!

I'm going to be late for my therapy appointment, better jet!!
I all too conveniently have a picture of my therapist and me on the desktop, so here we are:


Saturday, July 25, 2009


It's raining outside. Do you ever just want to go outside in the rain... and just lay there on the sidewalk? I do. Especially in the night, when it's only me and the world. It's so calming, so serene. It just makes me want to smile and breath the whole world in. It makes me stop and think about beauty- every kind. ...Which, as always, reminds me of part of a song.. "When you see, see the beauty- all around and in yourself". That's what I do in the rain. I see beauty.
I love rain.

Now on to reality- I've been feeling overwhelmed a bit. I'm ready to stop being sick now, thanks! Can't I catch a single break here? I mean COME ON. What genius was put in charge of my health and messed up so badly?? Okay, so some of that may or may not be my fault (ED-related), but the REST of it...

So I sit at home, doing nothing. Being nothing. No job. No school. No anything. I suppose it's a good thing I haven't had a job the past few months, since I've been so sick and had so many doctors apts, I probably would've been fired by now. Still, I can't really feel like a good person if all I'm doing is sitting like a bump on a log, not contributing to our society. I want to do something now. I want to be someone.

I'm going for a great job right now though, hoping I have a chance of getting it. It's a phlebotomy job, and on the same week as Alex. I hope I get it so badly! I love drawing blood, I really want to do this. Also, I'm trying to get in the nursing program at SLCC! I've always wanted to be a nurse- I'd like to do pediatric oncology or be a psychiatric nurse. Eventually :)

In other news, I've been doing fairly well in this whole recovery thing. It's really amazing what a difference a dietitian can make! Seriously, she's so great :)
I'm being a good kid and following our meal plan :) It gives me so much energy!!
I think a lot of the reason I'm doing so much better is my Alex. He's such an amazing support for me. He even comes to my apts with Elena (my dietitian) to help me out. He really is a great guy, I'm lucky to have him :)
We're a great match. I think we're going on five months, but you'd have to ask him. He's programmed it into his phone. CUTE, huh? Yep.

Last weekend I had a great time at Bear Lake. We (and by we, I mean Gary) have a cabin up in Bear Lake West. It's a huge one, three floors! It's placed perfectly on the mountain for an amazing view of the lake. Not too far from it, either. I was able to go up with my family- My big sis, her boyfriend/my step brother (Long story.. INCEST!! I swear I'm not related. It's disgusting),my younger bro (I have to say younger, because he's definitely taller than I!), my 'younger' sis (Again.. Taller than I at only 14!), my (other) little sis, my freaking DAD (Who was here for a few days from Boston! Yeah!), My mother, Her BF Gary, My Best friend Ashley, And my boyfriend Alex. What a great part-ay!! It was so much fun- especially at the beach!! And it was a 4 hour road trip to (and from!) the cabin with just Alex, Ashley & me! Fun stuff :)

Here are a few pictures of our great adventures!
There are a good few, so bear with me!

On our way to the beach!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Another taken on the way to the beach :)

We're in Idaho and Utah at the same time!! If we break the Idaho beach rules.. We'll just run back to Utah!!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My lover boy and me. lol ;)

Leelou said to sexy it up. So we did ;)

And there they are, hanging at the beach
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Venturing into the unknown..
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

It was cold! You can't make me get out! Alex was brave enough to.
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Even mother got in for a bit :)

It wasn't the best sand in the world, but we managed..

My gorgeous younger sister.

My best friend, Ashley.

I think I did well. For clarification, those are shells covering!!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

"The couple from the black lagoon!"

His beard is in good form here.
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My mother and eldest sister :)

My mamma is so beautiful!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My dad & siblings at the cabin

Our castle kingdom.

My model sis.

My dad and my mothers boyfriend :)

& Last, but not least- The family on a hike. I was feeling sick the whole weekend, so Alex stayed behind with me. Ashie took the picture :)

That's all, folks!! Leave comments, they make me happy ;)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thank the heavens for health insurance...

I went to see my MD today. I originally made an apt for July 9th- the soonest she had available. Then yesterday I got a call from her office- She wanted to see me the very next day. So I set up an apt for the next day- this morning.

Now usually I have to wait forever to be called back from the waiting room (Seriously- it was over an hour last time!). Not this time though! Within five minutes my name was called. (& yes, I felt like a little school girl being chosen from the class:). Anyway, we started with the usual- Temperature, vitals, getting in a gown to check my weight (I know- how dare they not trust me to not mischievously hide heavy things in my pockets & bra or put sand in my shoes so I appear to have gained weight? I've only done that like THREE times!). :P

Anyway, after all of that shenanigans I usually have to wait another 20-30 minutes before Dr. Cooper finally graces me with her presence. Not this time! Oh boy, do I feel important. She came right in after I was dressed again. I know she has the results from my long & tedious 'MRI w/contrast' scan, so I figure she just wants to give me the results and get me outta there.. However, when she entered the room she looked overly concerned- making me even more suspicious that she had actually turned into a quick-moving alien-lizard-shape-shifter, who only wanted to see me so quickly so she could devour me. Wait.. Wrong story. Oh yes- I mean making me even more suspicious that something was seriously up. I soon realized something WAS indeed up. The doctor gave me some slightly less-than-ideal news:

I have something wrong in my head (Okay, we all already knew THAT one!).
What I mean to say, is that there's a very minuscule growth in there. Uh-oh.
I have to go in to the neurosurgery center at the U hospital to try to figure out if it's benign or malignant, if it's growing at all, and if it's causing pressure on my brain. I hope not, 'cause I like to think that I use that more times than not. Okay, maybe not THAT much, but I do use it once in a while! :P

Anyway.. My blood work came back less-than-ideal as well. There's like some chemical thing that's ridiculously high, and I have to see another specialist for that. Also, they're concerned about the seizure activity in my brain (I know, again with this darn brain!), so I have to have even MORE tests for that. So I'm getting to be put through test after test for the next few months. I'm so excited!! Or not. I'm pretty sure I have the right to say that- THIS. SUCKS. I'm pretending to not be a little frightened about this, and I'd like to think I'm doing a good job at it. But what do I know, my brain is on the fritz.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank the following for making this all possible:
God, for giving me a seizure/blackout causing a car accident w/head injury, making them initially scan my brain. Also, for my Eating Disorder (As much as I hate it), for making me be already seeing a great doctor regularly who wanted to look further into my brain to make sure everything was alright, and who ordered a brain MRI with contrast, revealing the brain stuff- and for stealing my precious blood, only to find out it's damaged goods. & Last (but certainly not least!), for my friend BJ, who gave me a blessing right before the accident- setting all of this in motion. Thanks, BJ!

The only thing I have to say is..
Thank God for health insurance.

Oh yeah, and a friend of mine sent me this song. I absolutely love it, and wanted to share it with you. (& turn the blog music off at the bottom of the page!)
Love you.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Life: Roller Coaster Style.

So heres the deal: I've been uber stressed lately. The whole no-weight-loss-methods thing is very hard for me. I've depended on them so heavily for so many years. It's almost like a druggie stopping taking their drug of choice. Okay, maybe it's not THAT bad, as mine aren't actually physically addicting.. But they're MENTALLY addicting. It's SO HARD to not have those to turn to when I need to. I've definitely been freaking out from that- but still haven't gotten any more or taken any since I rid of them! I did find a piece of weight loss gum that had slipped away.. And right when I needed gum, too. I was leaving the house and in desperate need of gum, and it was just sitting there. Waiting for me to take it and release the precious weight loss meds into my body as I chew my minty love.. I took it out of the package.. Then got SO frustrated with myself- RAN out to the big dumpster and chucked it right in there. Stupid gum..
Anyway, STRESS. Like no other.

Now, I'm seeing my new dietitian. Whom I love. She's so great- she's the same one I saw all seven(?) times I've been inpatient at uni. she helped me out so much, I feel so lucky to be able to work with her. BUT (There's always a but!) she pushes my limits. A LOT. Too much. It's SO HARD to follow her meal plan! I have to have TWO servings of fruit, TWO servings of dairy, TWENTY almonds, AND a multivitamin. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like, as in, all of that in ONE DAY. I've been keeping up with it, but not without- FREAKING. OUT. Seriously, it's AWFUL. I feel like I'm going to die. This food is going to kill me. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I'm just not handling all of this very well. I seriously have this unrealistic belief that this food is going to kill me. I don't want ANYTHING in my body. NOTHING, please! However, that is even MORE unrealistic (or so I've been told). So my stomach has been killing me. It isn't used to all of this food. It's being stretched and it HURTS. LIKE. *%$#&?$%. SERIOUSLY. OWW.

Now Elena (Dietitian) won't let me weigh myself either. It isn't unusual for me to wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because I need to weigh myself. I usually weigh myself multiple times a day, but Elena won't let me do it even ONCE! I broke my scale anyway.. but my mother still has one. It like to taunt me when I go downstairs. It's truly an EVIL scale. Of. The. Devil. Not being able to weigh myself is a HUGE deal for me. SO STRESSFUL!!

Now, on Thursday I had this big interview I was totally freaking out about, right? My friend BJ offered to give me a blessing before the interview because I was SO. SCARED. I want this job so badly, and I just couldn't get over my nerves! My Alex was going to let me practice drawing blood on him right before the interview as well, so I could feel more confident about it. So I leave BJs house after he gives me an amazing blessing. I'm driving, and I suddenly feel really weird.. Next thing I know, glass is shattering in on me. The car door is smashing against my arm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPENING. I'M SO SCARED. After a little while, I noticed the car had stopped. After sitting there WHO KNOWS how long, I realize I need to put the car in park. I can't think straight. I feel confused. And terrified. After sitting there for- again- WHO KNOWS how long, I grab my cell. I try to call BJ. I don't have his number in my new phone. I call my friend Cindy, BJs mom. No answer. I call my Alex. FINALLY an answer. I don't know what to say. "I just got in a car crash. I'm scared. Call the interview people. PLEASE. Call the interview people. Bye." I never even thought to call for help. I was just so confused.. and my head hurt so bad. My phone is ringing- It's Cindy. THANK. GOD. I tell her I just crashed. By the church by their house. GET. BJ.
I sat there, unable to think. I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening.. I felt blood rushing down from my head. I think nothing of it. BJ arrived quickly. He tried to open my car door. It wont open. It's smashed beyond smashed. I just sit there. Staring. At nothing. Not thinking. Just sitting. Terrified.

Another lady and a child are suddenly there. She keeps asking me stupid questions. I just wanted to sleep. She kept telling me to keep eye contact with her and NOT close my eyes. I don't know how I did, I just remember I was upset. Stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep! Seriously.. Suddenly there's a neck brace on me. Where did that come from? I have no idea. I'm being put on a hard board. Strapped in. I can't move. They're taking me away. My back hurts. I'm laying on mass amounts of sharp glass. My head hurts and there's blood getting in my eye. I think. I'm not sure, I'm so confused. They just wouldn't let me sleep. I want to tell them to fix it, but I suddenly can't remember how to tell them that. I ask for BJ. I'm scared. Why did he leave?

I realize I'm suddenly in a hospital room. I'm being moved from the hard board to a soft hospital bed. I like this. I tell the doctor I want BJ. He pages the front and BJ was in my room within minutes. I'm not as scared. I'm not as confused. I was in a car accident. But how? They take my vitals and put me on oxygen. BJ says I should call my mom. I agree. I find the number in my phone, but promptly give the phone to him. No answer. I remember the Elementary's number, and dial it. Then give the phone back to BJ. I tell to ask for Sheri Bennett and tell them her daughter's been in a car accident (Or else they'll just say she's in school right now, you can't talk to her). After speaking with her, he hangs up. Someone comes in and takes me to get some sort of brain scan. CAT scan perhaps? I don't know.

Cindy gets off work and comes to the ER with us. I'm feeling more myself-like. The nurse/doctor/dude comes in to take my blood. I ask to take it myself. To all of our surprise (& after assuring him I'm a certified phlebotomist), he allowed me to do it myself. I did it like a pro. No problem. SWEET.

I think BJ got overly embarrassed when they were sticking the heart monitors on me. It was funny. They wash the blood from my forehead to find that it's actually not too bad. GOOD! At some point my mother, Gary, and Faith Anne show up. I'm happy to see them, not feeling so alone. Then Alex shows up. I feel so loved. So motivated. So happy so many people care about me. <3 The doctor proceeded to inject morphine and some other thing into my IV line.. Ahh. And the loopyness (Yes. New word.) returns! I think I was quite interesting at that point.. haha :) Anyway.. apparently I had a stress related seizure whilst driving.. Oops. I need to stop being so STRESSED about everything!! Luckily no other cars were involved!! The doctor kindly wrote it up as an isolated incident, so I get to keep my license. THANK YOU! I'm so stressed I missed that interview. Have to reschedule a new one. NNOOO!!! And I totaled our only car. And my head hasn't stopped hurting since then. Luckily it's only mild, and Tylenol has become my new best friend. And I'm still uber stressed about the first things I talked about. Awesome. MORE stress. Just what I need!! I'm happier and more energetic with the food in my body.. Sadly, that has no effect on my massive amounts of stress. Darn. I hope I can keep this up. I'm tough. I can do this. Fall down seven times- Stand up EIGHT.

..And for the grand finale..
I call this one "Mary Lynn with a head injury and on butloads of morphine"

Saturday, May 30, 2009

"Going to" being the operative word..

Today was going to be a boring day. One of those days where there's nothing to do but sit around in the heat, wishing your cooler would work properly, and wishing you CAR cooling would work at ALL. With no one home but your youngest sister watching cartoons all day, so you can't leave if you even had anything to do. Which you don't. And everyone else in the family are currently spread out in other states- Massachusetts, New Hampshire, & Idaho to be exact. Yeah- it's one of THOSE days. Plus I forgot to take my anti-bipolar anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety meds before falling into my unrestful slumber last night.Needless to say, I was prepared for the worst today.Figured I'd do some cleaning- but I deep cleaned like EVERYTHING last week. Nothing left really. So I'm switching off playing piano and my guitar, figuring I'll just have a quiet relaxing "me" day. After all, I've been being bugged about just having a Mary Lynn day for quite a while. Today's as good a day as any!

So there I am, hangin' out in my loftage & strumming on my guitar.. When BAANG!! BANG!! BAANG!! I hear three loud gunshots. Within no time, ambulances, police, and fire trucks arrive outside. SOMETHING'S going on.. Something exciting! No news reporters there though.. so I'm thinking maybe suicidal people? Only IDK how they would get THREE shots off. That sounds unlikely. Hmm. I must figure this out! And to think I thought today would be boring!
and props to the ice cream man for his PERFECT timing. All the kids left their saturday cartoons & whatnot to see the big cool fire trucks and "police monsters". I think that ice cream man tripled his profits for the day from that. Kudos to you, Mr. Ice cream. KUDOS. TO. YOU.

Now THIS is why I love Magna. Never a dull moment. :)

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My girls.

As you may or may not know, I coach an elementary jump rope team. Yes, you read right. I coach JUMP ROPE. It's actually a pretty amazing job. I LOVE IT.
Anyway, they just had their last performance of the year. I wanted to share with you what I do, and the final result.
Here is a short video of a select few. The three girls in green are on my team, the one in red is my sister Faith Anne (who is on the other team).
Be sure you have speakers or it's not even HALF as cool. ;)

This started filming too soon, so the routine actually starts 30 seconds in.
Give it a sec to load for best quality!

Also- after the video is finished, there should be some thumbnails on the little screen. Feel free to click them and watch us perform other routines!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

At least it was eventful?

SO, as I may or may not have told you (probably the latter), My jump team kids were in a parade and performed at the Health fair on Saturday... Well, they were SUPPOSED to be in a parade.. but we got rained out. SO sad, since we've been working on two routines especially for the parade and the parade alone for quite some time. Luckily, I think they were more happy about not having to jump rope in a parade in the rain and less sad about not getting to perform the parade routines. :)

That was the LEAST of my worries. After my kids performed, I was talking with Kiera and these girls came up asking if we'd give them a dollar for some charitable health thing (or something of the sort). So I go back to the room we had been given for jump team to set up & practice in to get a dollar from my cute little pink wallet I keep in my purse, right?
WRONG. It's not there!! My purse was OPEN, and my wallet nowhere to be found. I've been wallet jacked. No worries though. It only had my debit card, my MOTHER'S debit card, my insurance card, my ID, my Drivers License, my Thespian card, my social security card, my old high school student cards, and my sister's safe children card. It's not like anything IMPORTANT was in there..

In other, equally interesting, but less important-to-Mary Lynn- news, I went to my doctor today. BAD idea. Doctors are NEVER up to any good. The ninja-quick "I'll-die-before-I'll-let-you-see-your-weight" MA wasn't there to bother me. I got a nice one who seemed to not realize the reason I was there. I, being the polite person we all know I am, didn't want to be rude and burst her bubble. Instead, I just stepped right on that scale without hesitation (A first for me, as I'm pretty good at putting up a long drawn-out fight), and she wrote it down & didn't think twice. No worries- I thought about it WAY more than twice, making up for her lack thereof. Again, just being a good person..
So that was, of course, freaking me out to no end. Not that I didn't weigh myself on four different scales at the lovely health fair or anything, but THIS one was going on RECORD. So I figure the worst is over, right? I go in the exam room, get my blood pressure done sitting, laying down, and standing up. Then I get an EKG. Two, actually. The MA left the room to ask Dr. VanHala if the results were acceptable- apparently they were not. After the second one, and finally an approval for the EKG results, the doctor finally came in. Wearing a wicked-cool duck mask (She's 8 months pregnant, so taking protective procedures against getting sick working in a doctors office). & if you're wondering- no, that had nothing to do with my story.

So continuing- She proceeds to ask me about how my ED has been doing, what new meds I'm on, if I ever saw a dietitian.. Ya know, the regular stuff. Then she feels my stomach to make sure nothing's going rotten in there, and listens to my happy healthy lungs. Then, of course, comes the listening to my heart. Now THIS she does for an unusually long time- listening, then rearranging, listening, rearranging. Finally, with a concerned look on her face, she re-checks my blood pressure, pulse, and heartbeat while I've been sitting, laying down, and standing for two minutes each. Hmm.. Fishy..

Finally, she sits me down to talk.. And informs me that my heart doesn't seem to be working very well at all. Just GREAT. The jerk. I'd rather just not know and keep going as if everything's going to be okay, ThankYouVeryMuch. Anyway, I had about a billion blood tests done, and now I have to wear a stupid 24-hour heart monitor. Oh, and I've been referred to a cardiologist to be seen 'asap'. Wicked. JERK.

Now, as a testament to the whole "when it rains, it pours"-
My cell phone is broken. As in BROKEN. Beyond compare. It won't even turn on, I feel like I've lost all contact with the outside world. Then I conveniently realized something else.. The cardiologist was supposed to contact me to tell me where to pick up my heart monitor (Which I'm SUPPOSED to be wearing at this moment) and set up my appointment. I have no idea who the cardiologist is. I have no idea where he or she works. I have no idea how to contact them. I would call my doctor, but I no longer have the number, as it was in my non-working phone. Plus, my doctor had the MA contact some other lady, who then took my EKG and medical info and electronically sent it to an unknown-to-me cardiology unit in an unknown-to-me hospital, where they reviewed the records and chose an appropriate cardiologist to take me on. How in the heck do I get through THAT chain? Hole E. Crap.
I called Tmobile, and apparently my coverage on the phone ran out two months ago. I have to buy a new one or I'm SOL. Only my debit card is gone. And my mother's debit card is gone. And I'm going to die now. Talk about a double whammy..

To make everything just THAT MUCH better, I'm driving home from therapy when.. BOOM!!! The car four cars in front of me BLOWS UP. I sh*t you not. BLEW THE HECK RIGHT UP. Exploded. Spontaneously combusted. As in. POOF. BOOM. BANG. POW! Fire and everything. Well, maybe that really DID make things a bit better! I felt much more happy after that wicked AWESOME sight. Not that it was fun to witness- it was actually pretty terrifying and made me want to explode myself, thinking of the person(s) in that car.. But I believe the whole commotion of it raised my endorphin levels, making me more excitable. And terrified. I think at least one person died- there's no way someone could have survived that. So so so so sad.

Uhm.. And they all lived happily ever after (except for the ones who didn't).
The End.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Art Class

This morning as I was driving my mother and youngest sister to school, we noticed a little something-something on our garage door...
Oh yes. You know what's coming.. We've been graffitied!
We used to be so proud that we've lived here for eleven years and are the only one of our neighbors that had never been graffitied. Darn... We lose.
It was a good run though, you've got to admit it. Our neighbors were all graffitied multiple times, so for us to skip out on it for so long.. Well, it was bound to happen.

Now for my REAL beef about it..
The graffiti sucks! It's not even cool looking. These guys SERIOUSLY need to take an ART CLASS or something. Their gang signs look so mundane without actual art. I'm contemplating challenging them by painting BETTER graffiti OVER it.. I'll show 'em how it's done! Psht.. Those pansies..
Here's their poor quality graffiti:

See? SO lame. They need to work on their skillz if they're ever going to go anywhere in that profession. SERIOUSLY.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Shinanigans. & Other stuff too. :)

Firstly, I'd like you to pause for a moment and take a gander at THIS:

I know, it's a small poor quality picture of some weird piece of paper, right?
WRONG! That is a diploma stating that I, Mary Lynn Bennett, have officially graduated from USP and am now a Certified Phlebotomist in the State of Utah. OH YES. Take THAT.

In other news, do you know this man?:

What? NO?? Well let me fill you in then.. This is Alex. The sweetest, most caring, most hilarious, most sensitive, most loving, most AMAZING guy you've ever not met. He's also my boyfriend (Sorry ladies!). Anyway, We've been dating for about a month, but I've known him for a year and a half. He really is such a great guy. And on Monday night, he told me he loved me for the first time. It wasn't one of those passing moments where you just say it to say it either. I had been having a rough time and started breaking out in tears despite my efforts to conceal my anguish. He just hugged me, said to just let it all out, and held me until I had. After I calmed down and we talked through it a bit, He paused- looked right into my eyes and said
"Mary Lynn?"
"I love you."
It totally just made my heart melt in two. I love this man.
I love my Alex.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I met the President!!!

Next up on our list of crazies is LUCY. Lucy is a.. Fifty-something? Dare I say sixty-something? .. year old woman. Lucy is usually quite quiet and reserved. However, she definitely has her moments.
Med time, for example. EVERY time it's time for meds, she throws a fit. "No, I don't need any &^$%$ Meds! Doctor says I'm going home in an hour, don't need 'em anymore."
"Uhm.. Lucy, you're still on observation. You haven't even met with your doctor yet..."
"I know, but he just told me to not take my meds anymore because I'm going home in an hour. Bye guys, sorry."
..Yeah. Lucy wasn't going ANYWHERE. By the end of the fit, she always agrees to take them. "Since I'm leaving anyway.."

Also, Lucy has QUITE the resume. APPARENTLY, Lucy is:
President of the FBI.
President of the CIA.
Vice-President of the FBI
Vice-President of the CIA (Apparently the original vice-pres. weren't doing their jobs, so Lucy fired them and decided to do it herself. What a woman!)
President of the Food & Drug Administration
THE Las Vegas Comedian.
Elvis Presley's CURRENT seamstress. (That's right. He only died for a minute. The news forgot to cover that he came back alive again. Oops!) (Also, did I mention Hilary Clinton is apparently a clone? The real one died whilst her husband was in office! It's a good thing she didn't become our president... Can't have those darn clone-presidents running everything.. Not AGAIN...)
A Supreme Court Judge.
The MOTHER of a supreme court judge.
The old governor of UTAH.
When she was ONE year old, she was adopted into the US, and had to SUPPORT her family. ..So she went to work! She bacame a cowgirl, training horses for a living. YES. At ONE year old. I know. AMAZING.
THEN, as a '1-2' yr. old, she got a job at the local convenience store. Sadly, the owner didn't know how to manage a business.. But luckily, this great one year old he hired DOES! Being the kind person we all know she is, she decided to teach him how. (I know. GENEROUS.)
Then she noticed in order to get around in their cars, people needed gas.. So she built a gas station next door and single-handedly installed those gas pumps.

If THAT doesn't make lucy meet the criteria for my most interesting people, I don't know what does!
Plus, she has a wicked awesome wannabe 'stache-beard. ..And you thought only MEN grew facial hair!

Now, for the grand finale:
Lucy is also... You heard it...
That's right. Obama is a cover-up for her. Isn't that kind of him to do for her??
I thought so, too.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 2)

Next up, we have Flora! Okay, so I can't actually remember her name (Bad Mary Lynn!), but I'm sure it's something like that. Flora makes a good old person name anyway.
SO- Flora. Flora is a sixty-something year old woman. My first rommie, actually. At first glance, there's really nothing wrong with Flora, aside from being a bit old and forgetful. At second glance, there's really nothing wrong with Flora. At third glance, ..Well, you get the picture. So what in the world is wrong with Flora? Well, I'm sure there are lots of things. After all, they don't put you in there unless you are crazy or trying to kill yourself (Whether that be suicide, drug addictions, or Eating Disorder). .. So why is she there? Well, I did finally figure out one reason. Flora has a strong english accent. -A very cute one at that! The only problem is.. She's from Boston. Born & raised. Are her parents from England? No. Relatives? No. Friends? No.
Nope. She definitely should not have an english accent. ..And she seemed a bit confused when asked where she grew up, etc. HA! Poor Flora. Poor. HILARIOUS. Flora.

More Later. Again. I need to pack- We're leaving to Boston in the morning, and I haven't even begun! Oops.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 1)

I said I'd write about the... 'interesting'.. people I met IP, so here goes:
(I'm only going to put a few, as I'm a bit crunched on time. More later.)

First off, we have 'JohnDowers'. His first name is John, Last name 'Dowers' (Last name has been changed for obvious privacy reasons). We weren't supposed to say last names, but he just never got it. ..

John: "Hi, I'm JohnDowers. You're MaryLou?"
Mary Lynn: "It's Mary Lynn.. And remember we aren't supposed to use last names, John."
John: "Not John. JohnDowers."
Mary Lynn: "I know, But we are supposed to keep last names to ourselves, remember?"
John: "Alright. Just call me Mr. Dowers then."
Mary Lynn: "That's still your last name"
John: "Okay, just call me John then. Thanks for reminding me, MaryEllen."
Mary Lynn: "You're welcome, John."
John: "The name's JohnDowers."

John is a fifty-something year old alcoholic with.. SOME kind of mental fluke. It's hard to tell which one with some folks. When he first came in, he was drunk (Or so we suspected). I meet him walking from my room to the day room.
John: (Looking me up & down) "You're lookin' sharp. Yes sir, very sharp. I wish you were my wife. I'm already married though, sorry it can't happen. ..Very sharp, very sharp. You should be my wife. What's your name?"
Mary Lynn: "Uhh.. It's Mary Lynn. What was yours?"
John: "JohnDowers. Nice to meet you, MaryBeth."
*A psych Tech walks up, noticing how uncomfortable I am with him talking to me*
Simon: "Hi John. I'm Simon, I'm one of the psych techs tonight."
John: "I'm JohnDowers. This is my wife MaryAnne."
Simon: "Oh? I don't think Mary LYNN is married though."
John. : "She's not, she's my wife."
Simon: "Oooooohh..."
..Right. Talk about hilarious! (And moderately horrifying..)

Next up, we have Clark. More appropriately, we have Clark/Slayer/Annie/Brennan.
Oh yes, it's multiple personalities. Clark is a sweet kind of quiet eighteen year old boy. However, he switched to other people frequently.
Mary Lynn: "Hey Clark, how old are you?"
Clark: "Eighteen."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, okay. Can I talk to slayer?"
Clark: "Sure."
Slayer: "HELLO."
Mary Lynn: Hey. How old are ya, bro?"
Slayer: " ..INFINITE."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, cool. That's pretty old, man."
Slayer: "YESSS. IT ISSS"
Mary Lynn: Hey, so can I talk to Annie?"
Slayer: "INDEED. Later, duuude."
Annie: "Oh, hi! How are you?"
Mary Lynn: "Hey Annie. I'm good, how about yourself?"
Annie: "I'm doing just fine, thank you for asking."
Mary Lynn: "Hey, so question- how old are you?"
Annie: "Hmm... Actually, I'm not quite sure."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, alright. Well can I talk to Brennan?"
Annie: "Oh, sure!"
Brennan: "Hey!!"
Mary Lynn: "Heya Brennan! Whatcha been up to?"
Brennan: "Nothing. Just.. Ya know, sitting here being bored and stuff."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe we can play a game later. Hey, can I ask you a question?"
Brennan: "Yep."
Mary Lynn: "How old are you?"
Brennan: "Oh. I'm nine and a half ALMOST ten!"
Mary Lynn: "That's exciting! When's your birthday?"
Brennen: "Uhm.. I can't really remember. Ask my mom."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, okay. Can I talk to Clark again?"
Brennan: "But I'm bored."
Mary Lynn:"Please?"
Brennan: "Okay..."
Clark: "Hey MaryLee."
Mary Lynn: "Hey Clark. Wanna do a puzzle?"
Clark: "Sure."

So there's 'JohnDowers' and Clark for ya.
Comment if you wish! :P
More later.

Monday, March 23, 2009


"What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals. And not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality. because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others. Fantasies have to be unrealistic, because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore. In order to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the ‘it’ that you want, it’s the fantasy of ‘it’. We are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. This is why we say: the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or: be careful what you wish for - not because you’ll get it: because you’re doomed not to want it once you do. Living by your wants will never make you happy."

-Someone who is not me. :)

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.
(Chinese Proverb)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Aww, my baby sister got glasses. Isn't she just the cutest thing?? I think she looks chique.
(..Though I suppose my baby sister isn't a baby anymore! Oh no!)
Anyway, here's a picture of her and me the day she got her glasses (about a week ago).

(click the image to make it bigger if you so please.)

Sunday, January 25, 2009


Now this is what we call "CLUMSY", kids!

If you can't tell, I definitely dislocated my knee. Talk about OUCH.
..And now I'm stuck in THIS contraption for three weeks! Oh no!

Monday, January 19, 2009


I hate that I can't ever depend on my father. Then when I mention anything about it, he gets all pissed off and starts calling me a liar, then usually hangs up on me. It just makes me so mad. I love him, I want desperately to be able to trust him. He is the funniest guy I've ever met, and a REALLY good person. He just isn't dependable. He gets all pissed at me and says I just announce to the world that he is undependable. I have NEVER done such a thing. Except for NOW. Now I am blogging about it, but you aren't the world. My blog is for me. I write how I feel, and this is how I feel.
Sometimes I just wish I could know him better- After all, he is my father.
But then sometimes I just wish I never have to see him again, never have to put up with his crap again, never have to be disappointed by a father who just won't come through.
I feel distraught right now. I feel distraught whenever I think of him.
I love him with all of my heart, I think he is amazing, fun, and hilarious- but I can't possibly respect a man whom I would have cut out of my life long ago if he weren't in my family. I can't fully respect a man who takes his children wherever he wishes as if money is not an issue, and tells his children stories of how he is really a great person and how nothing is ever his fault, makes promises of visiting more, taking his children places THEY want to go, getting them birthday or christmas presents- then goes back to his real life with his new wife at the other side of the country and forgets the promises he's made or twists them- and can't even pay child support so his old family can just get by.
I wonder if I even really know the guy. After all, I know I change when I'm around him. I try not to, but I just can't be myself when I'm around him. I'm not sure I know him anymore.
I suppose I'm wishing for a perfect father, but then again I suppose everyone wishes they had a perfect father.
I know, I'm complaining. For this I apologize.
I'm just overly frustrated at this moment. No, at every moment.
I just need to take a chill pill.
..But It still makes me sad to think about..

Saturday, January 17, 2009

It's going to be alright after all.

I am so blessed to be able to be in this beautiful world God has created for us.
This wonderful world in which we can smile, laugh, play, & cry tears of joy- in which we can mourn, cry, hurt, get lost & stuck- yet we don't lose sight of the truth that everything will be alright. Some time, somehow, some way- It's going to be alright. We will get through it. It may take longer than we want, it may be in a different way than we had hoped- but all in all..
It's going to be alright.

The Glory of Life

I stole this from Shelly's Blog- Thanks, chika!

1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal or blog or whatevs.

1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say: "Let it be. "
2) How would you describe yourself? "Hero" (Wow, I think highly of myself!)
3) What do you like in a girl/guy? "Homeless" (Well HOPEFULLY not!)
4) How do you feel today? "Ordinary Day." (That works well.)
5) What is your life's purpose? "Don't let the sun go down on me" (Interesting.. ish)
6) What is your motto? "Dream Big" (You KNOW it!)
7) What do you friends think of you? "Calling you"
8) What do you think of your parents?"Moments.." (Well.. They DO have their moments!)
9) What do you think about very often? "States & Capitals" (..because I have it on my ipod for some reason..) :D
10) What is 2+2? "Everything."
11) What do you think of your best friend? "God only cries for the living" (oh how sad!)
12) What do you think of the person you like? "A woman's heart" ('s maybe?)
13) What is your life story? "Battle" (And don't I KNOW it!)
14) What do you want to be when you grow up? "Child of Light" (Wow. Definitely.)
15) What do you think of when you see the person you like? "Kiss me" (how absurdly appropriate.. lol)
16) What will you dance to at your wedding? "Call Me When You're Sober" (Sounds like SOMEBODY is going to need some counseling..)
17) What will they play at your funeral? "Follow the light" (AAHA! That is the funniest thing I've heard all day!!)
18) What is your hobby/interest? "Relaxation" (Well I do like to be able to relax now and then..)
19) What is your biggest fear? "I miss you" (Well I guess I'm scared of loved ones dying?)
20) What is your biggest secret? "He Came for Me" (Aww, that shouldn't be a secret!)
21) What do you think of your friends? "Walk tall, you're a daughter of God" (Lots of church music- only the best!)
22) What song would you play during your first kiss? "Why do birds suddenly appear.." (that works.. ish.)
23) What will you post this as?"The Glory of Life"
(That's a good title.)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dear God,

Dear God,
I feel so alone.
I feel invisible.
Abandoned. Cold. Afraid.

Dear God,
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am in a tunnel of darkness.
And I do not see the light.
The light you promised me

Dear God,
I am frozen with fear.
I am paralyzed in my steps.
I am a girl who cries
When all the world wants to see is a smile

Dear God,
I feel numb. Listless. Unaware.
All warmth has fled
And I chill to the bone.
..I feel so utterly alone.

Dear God,
My heart aches for love
The love I lack so much.
I feel empty inside
--a wide gaping hole--
..a void that waits to be filled.

Dear God,
I want my friends back.
I want my life back.
I want myself back again.
--The girl I once knew--
..She has long been forgotten.

Dear God,
I need rescue.
Perhaps your rescue is best
I need to be recaptured by this wonderful thing called

Dear God,
take me by the hand.
Carry me on your shoulders.
I know I have become too weak to do this on my own.
I need a friend. Please, God; be my friend.

Dear God,
I am at a loss of words now.
There's not much else for me to say.
My thoughts and feelings..
They have evaporated me now..
I'm tired and sick
and sick and tired of being sick.

Dear God,
I feel alone.
Perhaps a gentle reminder
From you that I am not..
Is well-needed now

Dear God.
Please help me.

"Have mercy upon me, oh Lord God, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak...
...I am a dread to my friends---
--those on the street flee form me.
I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery, a broken vessel
For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side.....
...But I trust in You, oh Lord;
Thou art my God
My times are in thy hands.."

---Psalm 31:9-15--