Tuesday, May 10, 2011


    Nov 4, 2009
-Inpatient at CFC-

I sit on the couch and ponder. I feel sad today, scared of what the future holds.
I'm uncertain of who I am, of what I need to survive.

Sometimes I'm okay, but more often I'm not.
Even though he's gone now,
the memories are stuck with me-
controlling my head, my thoughts, my life.
Do I know who I am anymore?
I've always been the girl with the smile, the girl joking around and laughing.
But none of it seems real now. I just feel like that scared little girl I see so clearly in my mind. I want to break free, I want to just be ME.
..But how is this possible when I'm in that fear?

I can't ever sleep at night. I'm afraid of the dreams that come. This is killing me. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've asked one too many times.

Monday, May 2, 2011


I'm in a writing mode. I think it's because I forgot to take my meds this morning, as I'm always so much more creative & expressive when I'm not on them. They're most definitely a necessity for me, but it's nice to let myself go every now and then, get it all out.
I'm sorry my thought are a bit scattered here. It's 5:00am, and I have yet to sleep. I couldn't.. My brain just wanted to erupt, so I'm finally just letting it.

Things are going pretty well right now.
It's hard for me to live in such a structured way, though. I'm too free spirited, I need to be running ad exploring the world. I need to express myself. I need to run wild until I can't anymore, then do it again. I'm not built for structure. But I handle it.

  When I'm not at work or anything, I just want to do anything and everything I can. It's kind of a catch 22, though.. Whatever that means.  I have such social anxiety, it's hard for me to get out unless I'm with someone else. I have yet to find someone who will chase the air with me, just because we can. And so I am trapped by my own fears. It's odd, actually. I don't really fear anything. I can do anything, I want to do EVERYTHING! Go bungee jumping, sky diving, mountain climbing.. None of these things make me feel afraid. Except.. People. Rejection. Isolation. Ridicule.
I'm not controlled by my mind- I'm controlled by my emotions.

  I was a really weird kid, I wasn't liked at all. I was home schooled at first, which was GREAT. I was way ahead of the class in most areas (other than math.. UGH). I loved being home-schooled, and it obviously taught me a LOT. However, it did not teach me social skills.

  I didn't know what was socially acceptable, and what wasn't.  I didn't understand that you were supposed to dress in a similar fashion as others. I didn't understand what was appropriate and what wasn't. I didn't understand that some things made people uncomfortable, it just didn't make sense.
I was so agonizingly scared & shy that I couldn't even raise my hand to talk to the teacher. I would walk up to her quietly and tug on her shirt a bit. I was awkward, and no one really liked me much. I never really fit in until high school. Because of this, my biggest fear is.. You guessed it. REJECTION. It's so hard for me. Even the slightest rejection makes me want to cry. It's a little annoying to me, actually.. Lol.

  I digress.

ANYway.. I have this strong urge to just blow this joint and escape the country for a while, though.. No particular reason, I just want to experience something else, something other than what I think as norm for me. It's really weird to have such a sudden strong urge! Not sure why I told you that, but I did.
Other than my odd 'cravings,' life is pretty good. I'm in love with the kids I work with- they're SO great! They make me so happy. :)
It's great to have kind co-workers as well! Well, mostly. There's one who is kind of rude to me when others aren't around or aren't really paying attention. Just little things, but she's quite belittling. I hate working with her, but you get what you get! The rest of them are awesome! Story of my life... Lol.

  I'm doing well with my ED. My dietitian is on maternity leave, so I guess I'm not sure if I'm doing well weight-wise, but I think I am. I'm going to see her.. This Saturday? Next? I'm forget. Sometime soon. I see my therapist about twice a month now. I simply don't need her as much. It's odd, really- but good. A year and a half ago, I was so bad that I had to see a dietitian once a week, an ED specialist Doctor once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist TWICE a week- though she wanted to get me in for three times a week. Now  I'm seeing my dietitian roughly 1-2x/mo, my therapist 1-2x/mo, my MD every other month if that, and my psychiatrist once every six months or so.
I never thought this possible.. Or at least not so soon. I've been struggling with this for so long.. 11 years, for heaven's sake! In & out of hospitals, not able to go to school, not even able to hold down a job.. My life taken over by this THING. Then along comes CFC. THREE MONTHS. That's it. That's how long it took to get me well on my way to recovery. That's what saved my life. Three. Freaking. Months.
It's just amazing how different I am now. How much healthier I am.. How much HAPPIER I am!
Life. Confusing? yes. Hard? hell yes. Frustrating- as much as it could be. And Good?
YES. Life is so good.

Remember that.