I went to see my MD today. I originally made an apt for July 9th- the soonest she had available. Then yesterday I got a call from her office- She wanted to see me the very next day. So I set up an apt for the next day- this morning.
Now usually I have to wait forever to be called back from the waiting room (Seriously- it was over an hour last time!). Not this time though! Within five minutes my name was called. (& yes, I felt like a little school girl being chosen from the class:). Anyway, we started with the usual- Temperature, vitals, getting in a gown to check my weight (I know- how dare they not trust me to not mischievously hide heavy things in my pockets & bra or put sand in my shoes so I appear to have gained weight? I've only done that like THREE times!). :P
Anyway, after all of that shenanigans I usually have to wait another 20-30 minutes before Dr. Cooper finally graces me with her presence. Not this time! Oh boy, do I feel important. She came right in after I was dressed again. I know she has the results from my long & tedious 'MRI w/contrast' scan, so I figure she just wants to give me the results and get me outta there.. However, when she entered the room she looked overly concerned- making me even more suspicious that she had actually turned into a quick-moving alien-lizard-shape-shifter, who only wanted to see me so quickly so she could devour me. Wait.. Wrong story. Oh yes- I mean making me even more suspicious that something was seriously up. I soon realized something WAS indeed up. The doctor gave me some slightly less-than-ideal news:
I have something wrong in my head (Okay, we all already knew THAT one!).
What I mean to say, is that there's a very minuscule growth in there. Uh-oh.
I have to go in to the neurosurgery center at the U hospital to try to figure out if it's benign or malignant, if it's growing at all, and if it's causing pressure on my brain. I hope not, 'cause I like to think that I use that more times than not. Okay, maybe not THAT much, but I do use it once in a while! :P
Anyway.. My blood work came back less-than-ideal as well. There's like some chemical thing that's ridiculously high, and I have to see another specialist for that. Also, they're concerned about the seizure activity in my brain (I know, again with this darn brain!), so I have to have even MORE tests for that. So I'm getting to be put through test after test for the next few months. I'm so excited!! Or not. I'm pretty sure I have the right to say that- THIS. SUCKS. I'm pretending to not be a little frightened about this, and I'd like to think I'm doing a good job at it. But what do I know, my brain is on the fritz.
In conclusion, I'd like to thank the following for making this all possible:
God, for giving me a seizure/blackout causing a car accident w/head injury, making them initially scan my brain. Also, for my Eating Disorder (As much as I hate it), for making me be already seeing a great doctor regularly who wanted to look further into my brain to make sure everything was alright, and who ordered a brain MRI with contrast, revealing the brain stuff- and for stealing my precious blood, only to find out it's damaged goods. & Last (but certainly not least!), for my friend BJ, who gave me a blessing right before the accident- setting all of this in motion. Thanks, BJ!
The only thing I have to say is..
Thank God for health insurance.
Oh yeah, and a friend of mine sent me this song. I absolutely love it, and wanted to share it with you. (& turn the blog music off at the bottom of the page!)
Love you.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Life: Roller Coaster Style.
So heres the deal: I've been uber stressed lately. The whole no-weight-loss-methods thing is very hard for me. I've depended on them so heavily for so many years. It's almost like a druggie stopping taking their drug of choice. Okay, maybe it's not THAT bad, as mine aren't actually physically addicting.. But they're MENTALLY addicting. It's SO HARD to not have those to turn to when I need to. I've definitely been freaking out from that- but still haven't gotten any more or taken any since I rid of them! I did find a piece of weight loss gum that had slipped away.. And right when I needed gum, too. I was leaving the house and in desperate need of gum, and it was just sitting there. Waiting for me to take it and release the precious weight loss meds into my body as I chew my minty love.. I took it out of the package.. Then got SO frustrated with myself- RAN out to the big dumpster and chucked it right in there. Stupid gum..
Anyway, STRESS. Like no other.
Now, I'm seeing my new dietitian. Whom I love. She's so great- she's the same one I saw all seven(?) times I've been inpatient at uni. she helped me out so much, I feel so lucky to be able to work with her. BUT (There's always a but!) she pushes my limits. A LOT. Too much. It's SO HARD to follow her meal plan! I have to have TWO servings of fruit, TWO servings of dairy, TWENTY almonds, AND a multivitamin. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like, as in, all of that in ONE DAY. I've been keeping up with it, but not without- FREAKING. OUT. Seriously, it's AWFUL. I feel like I'm going to die. This food is going to kill me. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I'm just not handling all of this very well. I seriously have this unrealistic belief that this food is going to kill me. I don't want ANYTHING in my body. NOTHING, please! However, that is even MORE unrealistic (or so I've been told). So my stomach has been killing me. It isn't used to all of this food. It's being stretched and it HURTS. LIKE. *%$#&?$%. SERIOUSLY. OWW.
Now Elena (Dietitian) won't let me weigh myself either. It isn't unusual for me to wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because I need to weigh myself. I usually weigh myself multiple times a day, but Elena won't let me do it even ONCE! I broke my scale anyway.. but my mother still has one. It like to taunt me when I go downstairs. It's truly an EVIL scale. Of. The. Devil. Not being able to weigh myself is a HUGE deal for me. SO STRESSFUL!!
Now, on Thursday I had this big interview I was totally freaking out about, right? My friend BJ offered to give me a blessing before the interview because I was SO. SCARED. I want this job so badly, and I just couldn't get over my nerves! My Alex was going to let me practice drawing blood on him right before the interview as well, so I could feel more confident about it. So I leave BJs house after he gives me an amazing blessing. I'm driving, and I suddenly feel really weird.. Next thing I know, glass is shattering in on me. The car door is smashing against my arm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPENING. I'M SO SCARED. After a little while, I noticed the car had stopped. After sitting there WHO KNOWS how long, I realize I need to put the car in park. I can't think straight. I feel confused. And terrified. After sitting there for- again- WHO KNOWS how long, I grab my cell. I try to call BJ. I don't have his number in my new phone. I call my friend Cindy, BJs mom. No answer. I call my Alex. FINALLY an answer. I don't know what to say. "I just got in a car crash. I'm scared. Call the interview people. PLEASE. Call the interview people. Bye." I never even thought to call for help. I was just so confused.. and my head hurt so bad. My phone is ringing- It's Cindy. THANK. GOD. I tell her I just crashed. By the church by their house. GET. BJ.
I sat there, unable to think. I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening.. I felt blood rushing down from my head. I think nothing of it. BJ arrived quickly. He tried to open my car door. It wont open. It's smashed beyond smashed. I just sit there. Staring. At nothing. Not thinking. Just sitting. Terrified.
Another lady and a child are suddenly there. She keeps asking me stupid questions. I just wanted to sleep. She kept telling me to keep eye contact with her and NOT close my eyes. I don't know how I did, I just remember I was upset. Stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep! Seriously.. Suddenly there's a neck brace on me. Where did that come from? I have no idea. I'm being put on a hard board. Strapped in. I can't move. They're taking me away. My back hurts. I'm laying on mass amounts of sharp glass. My head hurts and there's blood getting in my eye. I think. I'm not sure, I'm so confused. They just wouldn't let me sleep. I want to tell them to fix it, but I suddenly can't remember how to tell them that. I ask for BJ. I'm scared. Why did he leave?
I realize I'm suddenly in a hospital room. I'm being moved from the hard board to a soft hospital bed. I like this. I tell the doctor I want BJ. He pages the front and BJ was in my room within minutes. I'm not as scared. I'm not as confused. I was in a car accident. But how? They take my vitals and put me on oxygen. BJ says I should call my mom. I agree. I find the number in my phone, but promptly give the phone to him. No answer. I remember the Elementary's number, and dial it. Then give the phone back to BJ. I tell to ask for Sheri Bennett and tell them her daughter's been in a car accident (Or else they'll just say she's in school right now, you can't talk to her). After speaking with her, he hangs up. Someone comes in and takes me to get some sort of brain scan. CAT scan perhaps? I don't know.
Cindy gets off work and comes to the ER with us. I'm feeling more myself-like. The nurse/doctor/dude comes in to take my blood. I ask to take it myself. To all of our surprise (& after assuring him I'm a certified phlebotomist), he allowed me to do it myself. I did it like a pro. No problem. SWEET.
I think BJ got overly embarrassed when they were sticking the heart monitors on me. It was funny. They wash the blood from my forehead to find that it's actually not too bad. GOOD! At some point my mother, Gary, and Faith Anne show up. I'm happy to see them, not feeling so alone. Then Alex shows up. I feel so loved. So motivated. So happy so many people care about me. <3 The doctor proceeded to inject morphine and some other thing into my IV line.. Ahh. And the loopyness (Yes. New word.) returns! I think I was quite interesting at that point.. haha :) Anyway.. apparently I had a stress related seizure whilst driving.. Oops. I need to stop being so STRESSED about everything!! Luckily no other cars were involved!! The doctor kindly wrote it up as an isolated incident, so I get to keep my license. THANK YOU! I'm so stressed I missed that interview. Have to reschedule a new one. NNOOO!!! And I totaled our only car. And my head hasn't stopped hurting since then. Luckily it's only mild, and Tylenol has become my new best friend. And I'm still uber stressed about the first things I talked about. Awesome. MORE stress. Just what I need!! I'm happier and more energetic with the food in my body.. Sadly, that has no effect on my massive amounts of stress. Darn. I hope I can keep this up. I'm tough. I can do this. Fall down seven times- Stand up EIGHT.
..And for the grand finale..
I call this one "Mary Lynn with a head injury and on butloads of morphine"
Anyway, STRESS. Like no other.
Now, I'm seeing my new dietitian. Whom I love. She's so great- she's the same one I saw all seven(?) times I've been inpatient at uni. she helped me out so much, I feel so lucky to be able to work with her. BUT (There's always a but!) she pushes my limits. A LOT. Too much. It's SO HARD to follow her meal plan! I have to have TWO servings of fruit, TWO servings of dairy, TWENTY almonds, AND a multivitamin. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like, as in, all of that in ONE DAY. I've been keeping up with it, but not without- FREAKING. OUT. Seriously, it's AWFUL. I feel like I'm going to die. This food is going to kill me. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I'm just not handling all of this very well. I seriously have this unrealistic belief that this food is going to kill me. I don't want ANYTHING in my body. NOTHING, please! However, that is even MORE unrealistic (or so I've been told). So my stomach has been killing me. It isn't used to all of this food. It's being stretched and it HURTS. LIKE. *%$#&?$%. SERIOUSLY. OWW.
Now Elena (Dietitian) won't let me weigh myself either. It isn't unusual for me to wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because I need to weigh myself. I usually weigh myself multiple times a day, but Elena won't let me do it even ONCE! I broke my scale anyway.. but my mother still has one. It like to taunt me when I go downstairs. It's truly an EVIL scale. Of. The. Devil. Not being able to weigh myself is a HUGE deal for me. SO STRESSFUL!!
Now, on Thursday I had this big interview I was totally freaking out about, right? My friend BJ offered to give me a blessing before the interview because I was SO. SCARED. I want this job so badly, and I just couldn't get over my nerves! My Alex was going to let me practice drawing blood on him right before the interview as well, so I could feel more confident about it. So I leave BJs house after he gives me an amazing blessing. I'm driving, and I suddenly feel really weird.. Next thing I know, glass is shattering in on me. The car door is smashing against my arm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPENING. I'M SO SCARED. After a little while, I noticed the car had stopped. After sitting there WHO KNOWS how long, I realize I need to put the car in park. I can't think straight. I feel confused. And terrified. After sitting there for- again- WHO KNOWS how long, I grab my cell. I try to call BJ. I don't have his number in my new phone. I call my friend Cindy, BJs mom. No answer. I call my Alex. FINALLY an answer. I don't know what to say. "I just got in a car crash. I'm scared. Call the interview people. PLEASE. Call the interview people. Bye." I never even thought to call for help. I was just so confused.. and my head hurt so bad. My phone is ringing- It's Cindy. THANK. GOD. I tell her I just crashed. By the church by their house. GET. BJ.
I sat there, unable to think. I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening.. I felt blood rushing down from my head. I think nothing of it. BJ arrived quickly. He tried to open my car door. It wont open. It's smashed beyond smashed. I just sit there. Staring. At nothing. Not thinking. Just sitting. Terrified.
Another lady and a child are suddenly there. She keeps asking me stupid questions. I just wanted to sleep. She kept telling me to keep eye contact with her and NOT close my eyes. I don't know how I did, I just remember I was upset. Stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep! Seriously.. Suddenly there's a neck brace on me. Where did that come from? I have no idea. I'm being put on a hard board. Strapped in. I can't move. They're taking me away. My back hurts. I'm laying on mass amounts of sharp glass. My head hurts and there's blood getting in my eye. I think. I'm not sure, I'm so confused. They just wouldn't let me sleep. I want to tell them to fix it, but I suddenly can't remember how to tell them that. I ask for BJ. I'm scared. Why did he leave?
I realize I'm suddenly in a hospital room. I'm being moved from the hard board to a soft hospital bed. I like this. I tell the doctor I want BJ. He pages the front and BJ was in my room within minutes. I'm not as scared. I'm not as confused. I was in a car accident. But how? They take my vitals and put me on oxygen. BJ says I should call my mom. I agree. I find the number in my phone, but promptly give the phone to him. No answer. I remember the Elementary's number, and dial it. Then give the phone back to BJ. I tell to ask for Sheri Bennett and tell them her daughter's been in a car accident (Or else they'll just say she's in school right now, you can't talk to her). After speaking with her, he hangs up. Someone comes in and takes me to get some sort of brain scan. CAT scan perhaps? I don't know.
Cindy gets off work and comes to the ER with us. I'm feeling more myself-like. The nurse/doctor/dude comes in to take my blood. I ask to take it myself. To all of our surprise (& after assuring him I'm a certified phlebotomist), he allowed me to do it myself. I did it like a pro. No problem. SWEET.
I think BJ got overly embarrassed when they were sticking the heart monitors on me. It was funny. They wash the blood from my forehead to find that it's actually not too bad. GOOD! At some point my mother, Gary, and Faith Anne show up. I'm happy to see them, not feeling so alone. Then Alex shows up. I feel so loved. So motivated. So happy so many people care about me. <3 The doctor proceeded to inject morphine and some other thing into my IV line.. Ahh. And the loopyness (Yes. New word.) returns! I think I was quite interesting at that point.. haha :) Anyway.. apparently I had a stress related seizure whilst driving.. Oops. I need to stop being so STRESSED about everything!! Luckily no other cars were involved!! The doctor kindly wrote it up as an isolated incident, so I get to keep my license. THANK YOU! I'm so stressed I missed that interview. Have to reschedule a new one. NNOOO!!! And I totaled our only car. And my head hasn't stopped hurting since then. Luckily it's only mild, and Tylenol has become my new best friend. And I'm still uber stressed about the first things I talked about. Awesome. MORE stress. Just what I need!! I'm happier and more energetic with the food in my body.. Sadly, that has no effect on my massive amounts of stress. Darn. I hope I can keep this up. I'm tough. I can do this. Fall down seven times- Stand up EIGHT.
..And for the grand finale..
I call this one "Mary Lynn with a head injury and on butloads of morphine"
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