Center For Change

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.