Make it stop

I don't know what to do. Right now I want to cry. I want to throw my hands up in the air and just yell 'I'M DONE. I give up.' I can't do this anymore! I just can't. I'm not strong enough, and Ed is TOO strong. I'm quickly losing my will to fight this, and Ed is hurriedly taking over everything for me. Ed keeps getting stronger, and he's sucking the life right out of me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm shutting down. I can hardly even think straight. I know I need to FIGHT Ed... But a good 3/5 of me is happy going along with Ed- and the remaining 2/5 is just so tired of fighting, it wants to give up. It's ready to switch sides in an instant.

I can't fight this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. How am I supposed to fight Ed when he is so strong I can't even think for myself? Plus,I'm starting to think- why do I even WANT to fight? I am so scared of gaining weight.. and while I know it's not just about that, That really is like my biggest fear. I'm scared of recovering. Who will I be without Ed? Will I like me as just plain old me? I'm not so sure I want to find out. Ed makes me feel so secure. Ed takes care of my life for me, but leaves me in control. Or, at least leaves me FEELING in control. But which is better- Being technically 'in control' and feeling so out of control you can't imagine.. Or being out of control, but feeling safe and in control?

I don't want Ed to take over.. But I feel like he already has. I don't want to go back to the hospital AGAIN. I want to be okay. I'm so tired of wearing a mask of lies- always pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm a normal person.
You know what? I'M NOT. I'm not normal in any way, shape, or form. I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. And I am NOT okay. I'm so tired of hiding everything! I can't think straight, I'm dizzy, My stomach is constantly in agonizing pain, I can't concentrate, I don't have any energy left, my throat hurts so bad I can't even explain- I'm purging my freaking guts out and it just keeps going and going and going and I JUST CAN'T STOP. I need a break!



I don't want to go to the doctor. I was supposed to go to get weighed & vitals every two weeks, and to get an EKG and blood work done every month. Last time I saw him, we decided it wasn't necessary for me to come in so often, so we decided to just come in once a month for all four. It's been a month. I am supposed to see him tomorrow (Monday). This is the first time it has been a month instead of two weeks. I'm thinking about just skipping out on it. Stupid doctors. They don't realize that I have small bones, so my weight is actually way too high for me already. My whole family is skinny, I'm the only chubby one. This is ridiculous. My 24 year old sister weighs NINE effing lbs less than I do. EFF. I want to swear I'm so mad. Well, I guess mad wouldn't be the appropriate term.. I am disappointed in myself. I am PISSED at myself. I am so gross!

I want to scream, and if my throat and head didn't hurt so dang bad, I would.
STUPID ED.
I HATE THIS.
I hate ME.
I need help.

The Parade

Today has been an exhausting day.. and it's only 1:00! I'm POOPED!This morning it was my assignment to wake up everyone. In CASE you didn't notice, it's a weekend. That means more chillun' ('children', kids, siblings, kin.. whatever you call them..) in the house!
That is correct, MORE chillun'. Every other weekend, we have:
Glenn(22?), Scott(21), Me(18), Andrew(18), James(17), Victoria(16), Elisabeth(13..tomorrow!), Nicholas(12), Summer(10), Faith Anne(9), and Forrest(5)
..And, of course, Mom(46) and Gary(old). (Whew!)
I promise you, this is no easy task. NO ONE wants to wake up at 7:00AM in the middle of the summer.
After that, we all had to get ready to go to the American Fork Parade.. or, as the Bakers call it, the "CANDY Parade!".


We all piled in the suburban and were on our way. five minutes and 103 degrees later, we remembered why we hardly use the suburban. Here are the top ten reasons!:
1. The cooler/air conditioning.. well, there isn't one.
2. The seats are torn up, giving children access to yellow fuzzy stuffing for throwing.
3.IT SMELLS.
4.The clock is broken, as well as the radio.
5. It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to drive/steer.
6. Half of the seat belts don't work.
7. One word: GAS.
8.There is no key. (at ALL)
9. Everything is sticky from a soda can explosion a few months ago.
10. We have to use a screwdriver to start the car.

As if thats not enough, there are not quite enough seats.

45 minutes later, we arrived at our destination.. Only to realize we are a full 45 minutes EARLY.
So we sat in the sun on the sidewalk for another hour, until it started (yes, it started late... don't they all?)
The parade was very slow moving, but still enjoyable. There were like four or five bands playing, along with their drill teams, cheerleaders, and "twisters" as they so called themselves.



Victoria was in the best one- American Fork High School Marching Band, that is. They number one in state! :)
She is one of the lovely trumpet players.
Of course (and all too conveniently) the AFHS Marching Band was the last band.. lol
But the chillun sure got a lot of candy at least!

I suppose that's why they call it the CANDY Parade... haha



And they gave me some! mmm.....
We left American Fork with two fewer people than we went with. Phew! Byebye Scott and Forrest- They stayed home with their mom this time. We then asked EVERYONE to please USE THE RESTROOM before we leave, as there will be no stops.
After about five minutes of driving, we realized that we still had their foldable chairs in the back... So we had to head right back again.
Ten minutes later, we are on the road again!
Only THIS time it smells even nicer. We have a billion sweaty children and teenagers in the car, squished together. YUM.
We finally think all is well and good, when we hear Elisabeth yell
"I have to go PPPEEEEEEEE!"

..Lovely.

Scared

I'm scared to let go
Yet scared to hang on
I'm scared to be here
But scared to to be gone
I'm scared to feel
I'm scared to not
I'm scared to be still
And scared to walk

I'm scared of tomorrow
I'm scared of today
I'm scared of losing yesterday

I'm scared to fail
Yet scared to succeed
I'm scared to starve
But more scared to eat

I'm scared to live
I'm scared to die
I'm scared to fall
And scared to fly

I'm scared to be normal
Yet scared to be unique
I'm scared to fight
But scared to sink
I'm scared to doubt
I'm scared to believe
I'm scared to change
I'm scared to be me.

The Fourth of July

So,
Yesterday was a VERY eventful and exciting day!
I woke up in the morning and had the house to myself, as the family had all gone on a hike (I was feeling sick the night before, so they didn't want to wake me). It was quite enjoyable.

When they got back, we hung out for a bit, then I retreated to the loft for a bit, leaving my cell phone on the table. When I went back in to the house, I found that my cell phone was no longer on the table.
...or anywhere else, for that matter. I looked for a couple of hours, but to no avail.

After I gave up searching for a while, Leelou (my big sister, who was in town from Cali.) and I decided to attempt to make an album cover for our band, 'Aspen'. ..Oh, yes- We are a band now. Awesome possum, I know. So, we did that for like an hour..or three...
We got Elisabeth (our little sister) to take the photos. She is now our official photographer/videoagrapher

(sp?).
Then we recorded one of our songs, ..okay, our only song.. (for now), 'Blank Paper', ..terribly. Oh, well. We are definitely too lazy to re-record it. :P
We then proceeded to create a myspace music profile. Again, awesome possum, I know. :)

When Faith realized that the three of us were doing something together and she wasn't, She was noticeably upset.
Plus, even if it wasn't noticeable, she informed us of her frustration.
Needless to say, she is our designing consultant. She has good taste, anyway. :)

I proceeded to put some of the pictures we liked on the computer, Facebook, and Myspace, while Leelou got some much needed rest.
When I finished, I continued the search for my cellular device. I even dumped out EVERY trash can and searched through the nasties, as my family is well known to pull pranks on each other.. and often forget they even did it... And trust me, digging through the trash was NO laughing matter.. especially when it came to the bathroom trash! I men, Gag! That was the most DISGUSTING thing I have experienced in YEARS!
..And I STILL did not find my cell phone. Needless to say, I was getting PRETTY pissed.
...And pissed is an understatement.

We tried to wait around for James, Andrew, and Glenn to get back home for the fireworks.. but we are just an impatient family! I went inside and called them as mom and the girls started outside- luckily, they said it was fine to start without them.
We DID start.. but then, so did the fireworks show, just a few blocks north west of our house.
We put our wimpy fireworks on hold, and headed to the roof to watch.
Well, most of us, anyway. I missed most of it, searching for my phone, again (I didn't want the battery to die before I found it, or it'd be twice as hard to find).
After the 'grand finale', we noticed the sky LIT up, glowing a BRIGHT orange.
We then got a call from my brothers.
"We were ALMOST home, when we noticed the sky glowing. Then, out of nowhere, we are suddenly driving by this HUGE fire! We HAD to stop! You guys gotta get over here! It's awesome!"
We were all VERY psyched by this point, and piled in the car.
We drove for a whole of about one minute before we could see the blazing fire. Awesome Possum!! It was AMAZING!! We stood there on Glenn's car and watched for about half an hour, before the fire had burned so far east it was now behind the trees. We walked to the edge of the highway to see it better.. when *BAM!!*
No, our heads didn't explode from excitement!

Car crash! RIGHT in front of us! They weren't paying attention to the road, as they we obviously entranced by the fire.
Not sure if anyone was hurt.. but I know there was a baby in one of the cars :( How scary!

We continued to the edge of the freeway (or highway? IDK.) and watched the fire for another good hour or two, before the cops told us to leave for about the billionth time.. but seemed serious this time.
So, we left. We walked all the way back to the car (which seemed like forever, as I was in heels the entire time), and I drove us all home.
Mom and Faith Anne left early to go to bed, but the rest of us stayed up in the front room talking when we got home. We all fell asleep in there (yes, all six of us) at about 2:30 AM. Leelou slept on top of me on the little love seat. ..Not the most comfortable night's sleep, I must say...
Leelou got up at four, though, as she had a plane to catch.
When I awoke this morning, She was gone, Glenn had left to work, Andrew had been dropped off back at Lorraine's, James was on his computer, Mom was at the store, beth was on her computer, and Faith was watching TV in the den.
Oh.. and I still can't find my cell phone.

What an eventful day.

Recovery Reasons

Why do I want to recover? I find myself fighting with wanting recovery & not EVERY day- and I want to put an end to it! I DO want recovery!! Why? I made myself a list, so I can look at it whenever I need to- and NOT pertaining to doing it for others. I'm not doing it for others.. I'm doing it for MYSELF.

MY reasons for recovery:

1. So I can love myself
2. So I can be able to play basketball without feeling faint
3. So I can be happy!
4. So I will NEVER have to lie again!
5. So I have more energy!
6. So I can be a better coach for my kids!
7. So I can go out with my friends, party & eat, and feel only JOY from it!
8. So I can love others more fully.
9. So I can play my Cello without getting tired!
10. So I can ACT in theater, and not get dizzy!
11. So the pain really CAN end!
12. So I can LIVE LIFE!!

"Woe is LIFE"

"Woe is me."
My unwanted, yet so familiar, phrase of the day.
'Woe is me."..
What terrible way to look at life.
Thinking about it, I guess 'Woe is LIFE' would be a more appropriate phrase for me. I don't feel like it 'sucks to be me' (for lack of better termiage), it's more of a 'LIFE sucks.' I suppose everyone has those days, though.

The Mystical Abyss we call "LIFE"

I am eighteen. An "adult". Finished with High School. Out of Young Womens, to be placed with the ladies of Relief Society. Oh, how I will miss Young Womens. And my leaders! They are so amazing, they have helped me through SO much, I can't even express their phenomenality!

I am planning to start college soon.
I want to be a music therapist. That is my eventual goal; My career of choice.
But.. can I handle it?
Will I actually go through with it? Or will I give up.. will I fail, like I seem to do so well, in every situation I am faced with, every obstacle I come to.. I sometimes wish THAT could be a profession. I am REALLY good at being a failure! I bet you couldn't find anyone better. But, then again, I would probably fail at that, too. Is it possible to be such a failure that you actually fail at being a failure? If it is, I bet you I could do it.
But I digress..
I truly do want to be a music therapist- with every ounce of my heart, I do. More than anything...
But then I wonder.. Am I good enough? Will I EVER be good enough? I suppose not. I always seem to fall just an inch short of even okay.
I will do my best. That's all I CAN do... But I'm still so scared I'm just not enough..

I realize I have been forced into a new phase of life. I am suddenly an adult.. a college student.. a woman of the Relief Society.. an independent individual.
There are so many choices I must make, so many paths I can take.. I am so overwhelmed and confused.. I just don't know..
Where do I go? What should I do? What choices will I make? Which one is the RIGHT? What is OF my life now? Where AM I? Where SHOULD I be? Who will I become? .. More importantly.. WHO AM I??
I just don't know right now...

Strength

The strength to rise from the pain,
To continue at all cost,
The strength to prolong all the shame,
Knowing that you've lost,
The strength to smile, when all you feel is anger,
To substitute bad days, for the best ones you can remember
The strength to say 'I'm lost’, when pride has blocked your sight,
To say 'please love me', though you've never done it right,
The strength to say you love them, knowing there may be no reply,
To stay by their side at times, when all they do is cry
The strength to try again, after many times of failing,
To finally open up after many years of waiting,
The strength to fall in love, though sacrificing your heart,
To keep a loved one close while knowing you've grown apart,
The strength to say ' I love you' when all else has gone wrong,
To keep on waiting for that something... Regardless of how long.

Nothing but a Dream

Dancing in the rain
Feeling the cold drops on my face
Washing all the pain and hurt and sadness away
Filling me with a new strength and a new peace
A sense of calm and tranquility among the thunder
Washing away the tears of sadness

Big drops of rain
Falling onto my upturned face
The beauty and strength of the storm
Rush through me
Making me believe
In charity,
In hope..
In myself
Making me believe
That one day
The sun will come out
And this will be
Nothing but a dream.

Dear God..

Dear God,
Sometimes I wonder if you still hear me, If I'm still important, if my prayers are even heard, because... well... God, I do things that hurt me. I do things that I know are not your will,-and yet, I still do them.
Today I feel lonely, Lord. I feel like hiding. How can I hurt so much and yet feel so numb? God, these tears running down my face are real. I AM REAL. I am NOT just an eating disorder! I am a real person, and I really need you,-and so do so many others out there. Please, remind us, that we are your children, that we are God's delight!!! Please wrap us in a blanket of love and cradle us tight. Please reveal the beauty in each of us, to OURSELVES. Please show us how to love ourselves the way we know others love us. Teach us God- we really do want to learn.
And, in the meantime, please let each girl know, that all the way up in heaven, there's a father who's loving her, even when she can't love herself.

Newspaper Writings

Hope for Mary Lynn: a cello and a scholarship

CAPTION:
The Granite Education Foundation presented Cyprus High student Mary Lynn Bennett with a cello last week, giving her hope for a career as a music therapist. Left to right: Principal John Welburn, GEF Executive Director Scott Whipple, Mary Lynn Bennett, Cyprus Instrumental Music Director John McCallister.

By Colin B. Douglas
News Editor

"It gives me hope," Mary Lynn Bennett said.

Last Thursday, Scott Whipple, executive director of the Granite Education Foundation, presented Mary Lynn with a cello at the Cyprus High School office.

Mary Lynn, daughter of Sheri and Stephen Bennett, moved to Magna with her mother and five of her siblings about ten years ago. She started on the cello in fifth grade, at Magna Elementary School. Private lessons were beyond her family's means, but with musically inclined father, She picked up music easily. With instruction from her elementary school teachers and later from junior high teacher, she achieved a degree of proficiency that got her a place in the Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra in only the ninth grade.

Meanwhile, she also learned drums, Irish penny whistle, piano, Bassoon, xylophone/bells, Bass, and Violin.

"I enrolled in orchestra at Cyprus as a sophomore, but I have been unable to since then," she said. "I've always rented school instruments, but there haven't always been enough cellos to go around, now."

Mary Lynn is planning on going to school to be a music therapist.

"This gives me hope," she said. "I didn't have the means to afford such an instrument, and it can really help me on my way to becoming a music therapist."

Whipple said that the GEF is also giving Mary Lynn a scholarship to get her started at SLCC.

Whipple explained that the GEF gives scholarships to give a chance to worthy students, recommended by school officials, who otherwise would not have such an opportunity.

"The GEF consists of 33 board member who focus on helping kids and teachers in the classroom," Whipple said.

The GEF is funded by private donations and fund raising activities, including auctions.

Memories of Childhood..

I can feel the rain
Gently sprinkling on my face
The rain is calm and peaceful
I take a deep breath
..And inhale memories of childhood
..Playing in the rain
Splashing in every puddle
..The faint scent of wet rocks..
I would hold them in my hands
And savor that blessed smell

I wiggle my nose, in an attempt to keep ii warm
Brrr... I love the cold

I start to slowly twirl
My arms, reaching out
I tilt back my head
And stick out my tongue
I want to catch the rain
..Feel that familiar coolness on my tongue

I laugh, as I fall back, into the grass
I stare up at the sky..
I see a dragon
Floating on his way...
A dog.. Barking from the heavens

I can see one big cloud,
Brighter than all the rest
Lit up, by the hiding sun
I look at it for a moment, and think..
"I imagine that is heaven.."
I wonder what it's like..
Maybe that was Jesus' dog, barking...
I hope he's a nice dog..

I suddenly realize I'm laying...
...In a puddle of mud.
This makes me smile.
I feel all "Gooey".. and happy.
The thick mud slowly slips through my fingers,
As I begin to coat my feet with it..
They look like Indian feet, now..

I reach for more mud..
And smear thick stripes on my face
I find a dandelion
and place it behind my ear.
I am an Indian princess..
..My long hair, flowing in the wind..
I feel like the most beautiful girl
In the world.
I don't care what anyone else says..
I will be who I WISH to be..
...And as I sit and think..
I realize that I wish..
To be none other than
ME.