Recovery

Recovery is like a helium balloon.

First, you, your balloon of recovery, 

gets slowly filled up.

But instead of being filled of air,

You are filled with potential confidence,

epiphanies,

and the tools you need

to be able to build self-love.. Your helium.

(Oh, and not to mention, food.) (;

You hold onto your balloon of recovery for dear life

As it begins to raise you into the air..
Your arms aren't strong enough.

You begin to lose your grip.
You slip, and fall to the ground. 

HARD.
You relapse.

 

You try re-filling your balloon

It takes less time than before.
It still has some helium left in it.
A kick start,

A boost.

 

You begin floating up, again. 

This time you're prepared for a slip

..This time you've tied a knot to hang on to.

You stay in the air for a long time.
You start getting so tired
Your hands are sweaty
One slips.
Both slip.
You fall.
You relapse.

Third try.
You're getting the hang of it.

Again, youstart flying up.

Up, up, and away..

You are in the air for a very long time.

Longer than you thought possible.

Until....

You start to run low on helium.

You run low on all those things you were filled with.

You stop going up.
You've tried so hard

Prepared so much

Hung tightly on for so long..
And you fail.

 

You hold onto your balloon for a time
Staying right where you are.
No progression
Just heart ache at your fail

And confusion.


You notice you're moving, again.
You get excited.

And then you begin to fall.

How long will you fall for?
How far off the ground are you?
How much do you have to lose?
You don't know.


You soon realize there are other balloons
Floating upward, nearby.
You know what you have to do to stay up.

The question then is
Do you jump?

Do you have enough "fuel" to swing to the next balloon?

Do you have the confidence, self-love, and strength
To take a leap of faith?

If not, you fall back to the ground 

And start over.
You do not pass "Go".
You do not collect $200.

But

If you do have what it takes to jump..

You jump.
You take your leap of faith, and hope for the best..

You catch another balloon.

You balloon skip.

Until you reach the clouds-

Until you reach safety.

The point where you can finally say the word "recovered"

without feeling fear,

guilt,

or shame.

That moment when you become independent 

and live your own life without therapists,

dietitians, doctors, and hospitals surrounding you, 

making your load feel heavier under all of the pressure

.

That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief 

And know that YOU have just won the battle.

..But not the war. 

You will inevitably slip

Through the safety of the clouds
At one point or another.
You will fall.
And if you can't catch a balloon on the way down,
You hit the ground.  

HARD.

And it WILL take more than one balloon to reach the top.

And you WILL fall.

But not necessarily to the bottom.

Just enough to realize the difference between sick, stuck, recovering, and recovered.

 

Each balloon is filled with something different.

The first is filled with what was mentioned above.

But the ones after are filled of all different kinds of things. 

I couldn't tell you what they're all filled with,
Even if I wanted to. 

It depends upon which balloon you grasp

And how heavy the load you carry is.

Each balloon is a different color.

Each color is something different..

That's the excitement of balloon skipping.

 

You learn and gain new things with each balloon,

and you never know exactly what you'll be learning next

until you're there.

So, where am I at?
I know you're likely wondering..

I would give you an answer..
But I can't.
I suppose, if I have to say,
I am on a balloon pretty high up there
Grasping on to that balloon's frail string.

My balloon is most definitely running out of helium.
I'm losing my ground.
I'm very slowly getting further from the clouds
And slightly closer to the ground.

I need a balloon. I need someone, something,
To help me find one.
My glasses are foggy,
I can't make out the balloons
Floating right by me
Passing me by.

 

I don't care if I can see them.
I need one.

I get ready to take the leap.

When another balloon passes me by

Can I make it? 

We'll have to see.

There is no answer for that until it has arrived.

I will admit,

I'm scared to jump..
Especially with my newly- fogged glasses.

I like my current balloon.

What if the next one is different?

Where is my next journey?

What parts of the myself,
Even, of the sky,

Will I be sent to explore next?

I guess I'll have to go on an adventure
and see where it takes me.

It may be scary, 

but I can't be recovered with only learning about one part of myself.

I must learn all there is to know in the  mind, body, and soul
of ME, of Mary Lynn,

to truly and fully recover.